Do you ever wonder .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Do you ever wonder .....
5
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:21pm
Hi Everyone:

I have been reading this board for six months. My EMA was almost 7 years 2 being an LDEMA because he had to relocate for business. We still talk alot and I just know he has met another woman and became very friendly with her at work. We had a great A, best friend, soulmates of course we had our ups and downs but we always were there for each other. We knew it had to end last summer when it was becoming harder and harder to get together. I can deal with that. But how do these men move on so quickly to another. I am still in love with him and always will be. I guess I am just hurt that he could move on so quickly after 7 years. I am very down tonight and a little angry. I would hate to think what we had was fake. Sometimes I fell like calling her and telling her about us. Stupid I know. Need advice on how to get out of the mode? All I can think of is him with her and it makes me sick. Any advice would be appreciated to help me past this.

Lex

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:10pm
Lexy,

I don't think they just forget about us but are different than us in that men don't obssess the way women do. They just move on but i'm sure he thinks about you all time but it's his way of dealing with it. A lot of times i just go out with other men (just as friends) just to forget MM and tell him too, just to make him jealous but trust me i always would have preferred to have him there but never tell him. So he used to always tell me that he thought i was this way with all men and he always thought i had found a new boyfriend.

So don't sit there and think that he forgot you but that's probably his way of dealing with it. After seven years, no one forgets someone that quickly.

Take care of yourself and time will heal everything

twilight

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:27pm
You seem less available to him. You may not realize how painful it is for him to love someone so much and not being able to be with her. I'm in the same boat. Believe me, none of it is fake, he cares for you. It's possible he moved on to protect himself from being hurt and feeling so much pain because he can't be with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 2:41pm
Friend once told me "no matter who he is, no matter how long you were together, no matter how good or bad it was, guaranteed, he'll be dating someone else within six weeks. It's just how they are; you just have to accept that." Realizing she was a little bit bitter, I still think it might help to assume that he'll be with someone else within six weeks. Makes it easier to accept if it turns out to be true.

Lexy, he's not over you yet. He's trying to get over you; he thinks being with her will help him get there. It's a way of avoiding having to deal with his feelings; a way to avoid thinking about them. It's easier to "replace" people than to grieve for the loss of them. It's not healthier, but it's easier. It's unfair to the new girlfriend, that he's trying to fit her into your role in his life, and it may also be cowardly to approach a loss that way instead of facing the grief. Everybody makes their own bargain. His shortcomings are not your fault and they are not your problem. You should not be punished for them; you should not punish yourself for them.

It's easier said than done, but it's good advice: my mom would say "bless him and let him go." If only we all could do that!!

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Fri, 08-13-2004 - 7:45pm
Grace

Thanks os much for your reply. I hope he didn't get over me that quickly. I agree she is only a source to help him cope. But it bothers me deeply. It so hard to have NC after so many years. I still love him and always will. I appreciate your kind words it helps so much to be able to share your feelings here. I also wish I could follow your Mom's advice.

Lex

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 11:32am
Lexy,

That's one of the more infuriating things about Moms, isn't it? They have great advice but it's really hard to follow it.

He's not over you. He's just not as strong as you are. You deserve someone strong enough to admit what he needs and make real and difficult changes in his life to get it. It's something all of us were willing to do. You deserve someone strong enough to be good for you. Men are credited with being the stronger sex, but I've seen very little evidence of that.

Those men of character and strength must be out there somewhere. We mothers are raising them, so they should be there! And if they're not, then we'll be each other's safety nets. We're strong enough for that.

It is hard. It's disappointing mostly. We see so much potential in them, and we invest everything we've got, and then they fail. They just fail. And they're too weak to be accountable for it. But it's not your weakness, Lexy. It's his. You are strong; we are all strong, even when we feel weak. And we can be strong for each other.

Grace