I just can't stop
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| Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:51am |
So now I'm dating a new guy. A great guy, so amazing I can't believe I am so lucky. But even before he got underway, I cheated on him once. Not with the guy I always went to, but with one of the other guys I had cheated on Chris with. But as soon as Brendan (new guy ) got underway, and Nick came back, there I was again, with him.
I really think that Brendan is what I need in my life. I know I have self-esteem issues, I also have been raped twice, which he knows about, and he is so supportive of everything I do or want to do, he isn't controlling, he isn't jealous that I have guy friends, he is just awesome. But I'm cheating on him. Thank God Nick got underway yesterday. Also, the last night he was here, he asked if I wanted to come back to his place (we were at a bar), and I said NO. It's not something to be proud of, but I was SO proud of myself for not going. I just don't know why I can't control myself.
I recently told my best friend Christie about EVERYTHING, and she is looking out for me, making sure that I don't go and do something stupid when we're out, but I know it's up to me to end this thing with Nick. And not to start anything up with anything else. I don't like the fact that I am 20 years old, and I need my 19 year old best friend to play babysitter because I can't say no. It's ridiculous.
Thanks for letting me vent. I feel a little better now, actually.
<3 Beckah <3

I suppose you will no longer need a babysitter once you get your emotions out of your middle school mind set. Do you like this person you have become? Disloyal to every guy you date or see? How do you keep it all straight in your head?
Sweetie, you really need to back off from the dating scene, just long enough to figure out what it is that makes it "OK" for you to go around lying and cheating and possibly hurting every man you come across. Who are you really trying to get back at? A parent? Who has hurt you so deep?
I think you need to talk to someone professionally who can help you sort out your destructive behavior before someone really gets hurt, and I'm talking about a physical pain here. People do not like being played by someone with no book of rules. Also, I would suggest that you drop the names of people when you write here. Use BF for boyfriend, or XBF for ex-boyfriend, etc. You just never know who may find this board and recognize you.
True
Oh, I changed the names, I'm stupid, but I'm not an idiot. Those are nothing like the real names, there was 3 people I figured the easiest way was to give them names.
I know I am messed up in the head. I'm just so embarrassed, I really don't want to go to a Military Psychologist and tell them about this stuff. I can't go to a normal shrink, I'm in Japan.
I watched as my mother brought home a guy that was not my daddy when I was younger, like 8-10, while he was deployed. I'm not going to blame her, but I can't help thinking that somehow that has made me shrug it off as acceptable, even though I know it isn't.
I haven't done this to every boyfriend I've had, it's not like that. It's only been the last two. And no, I am incredibly disappointed in who I have become. This isn't what I want.
I know I can do this, and I want to. I'm just so stupid, or stubborn, or something, and it's really pissing me off.
Beckah
Edited 8/3/2004 1:04 pm ET ET by beckahgem
Edited 8/3/2004 1:05 pm ET ET by beckahgem
Beckah,
Don't ever think badly of yourself. Just coming here asking for advice shows that you want to change this behavior, but I still feel there are some deep rooted issues that you need to confront. I wish you luck in this endeavor.
I have a daughter that is your age. She just finished college and has moved back to our city, and is now sharing a home with a girlfriend of hers. So, my heart goes out to you and I can only hope that you think highly enough of yourself to be careful in your choices, especially when it comes to men.
Good luck,
True
-Beckah