Been Here Before

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2003
Been Here Before
Thu, 08-05-2004 - 10:24pm
I've posted on this board and I'm mainly posting to get my feelings out. Feel free to respond if you'd like, but this is really just for me to vent because I have no one to talk to about it.

I'm finally taking action towards ending the A. He's the MM and I'm the single OW....he's 15 years older. Just after about 6 months into the A, his W was diagnosed with MS. He ignored me for awhile and then finally told me. He said he didn't want to stop seeing me, but he wanted to be able to talk to me about it...which of course, he rarely did. He finally started to open up to me and we got closer. Once he knew he had me, his calls would come less and less. The visits would be less frequent, sometimes only once a month, even though we work together and bump into each other often. Recently, the calls became more frequent and we found ourselves in the same work circle. Then, I found myself relying on him for work (he's pretty high up in the company and I was in a position where I needed a new project). He went away on business last week and we haven't spoke since. We've bumped into each other of course and I've called & emailed, but no response from him. I've had friends in town up until today, so it's been difficult to get together and when I was free he wasn't.

I've reached a point where I'm tired of the cat and mouse game. I'm tired of being his last priority. I'm tired of such little communication. I'm tired of wondering where I stand with him. I'm tired of hoping that circumstances will change. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of looking like this sad little girl vying for his attention. I've been here before and I hope this is the last time I get fed up. I'm a beautiful girl with a huge heart and I deserve so much more. I wish I hadn't wasted a year and half on such a sad figure. I've told myself this time and again and sometimes I get really strong, but then time passes and the feelings of sadness go away. I know these feelings will go away and I'll be happy to hear from him and want to call him again, but I'm tired of the down times. I'm tired of crying myself to sleep and feeling so bad about myself for getting involved with another woman's husband. One thing I'll NEVER do again.

I have 2 interviews out of town next week. I hope I land one of the jobs so I can pack up and go. Yes, I'm running away, but that's it seems like it's the onlly way out right now.

I would've never guessed it could feel this way. It just plain sucks and I'm sure it will go away in time, but not soon enough.