Please help me...........(m)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Please help me...........(m)
4
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:15pm
This might be long. But I really need to talk to someone and I am resorting to this. I need to get this all out. I am ending an affair that started almost 3 years ago. To me it was the minute I saw him I was in love. I have thought about him every day for four years. The 1st time we met he felt really guilty and ended it before it really started. I was heart-broken - only for him to meet with me again a few months later. At which time, he also said he was too guilt-ridden to continue. The guilt thing has been an issue all along. From what I know, his marraige isnt good. They fight a lot and seem to not like each other very much. Have heard that the police are at their house a lot (because of loud yelling) And he was always telling me he didnt like her very much. He has always made it clear that our relationship was only about sex. Except we never HAD actual sex until about 2 months ago. We had both been drinking... but regardless it was going to happen anyway. I am now divorced. NOt because of the affair. This was long coming and since I had sex with MM I have been through a lot. I quit drinking. Am selling my house and got divorced. I was out on disability from work because of all this I have lost weight and I am just generally a mess. Recently I saw MM and was trying to see if we still had it going on. It was hard for me to determine from the small amounts of time I saw him and the small talk we had. So, I called him the other day. I told him what I had been going through. I asked him when I would see him again and he told me it wasnt a good idea. My heart sank I felt like he was breaking up with me. Except we didnt really have a relationship. We had only been together about 10 times in the past 3 years. He always felt too guilty to meet with me. He told me the other day that he didnt want to hurt his wife. This devastates me. I never thought I would feel this way. I thought I had it all under control. I never envied her(his wife) Tonight I saw her. She has no idea - she talked with me about my house and what was going on in my life - I had a hard time looking at her. Not out of guilt - out of jealousy. I can't get over the feeling that he should have ended up with me. It isnt fair. I feel terrible. I cant eat or sleep and have trouble concentrating. I didnt want to know it was over. I dont like thinking I can never be with him again. And it is very difficult hearing the things that he is doing with her.

I dont know what to do. I feel extremely depressed. How will I ever get over this.

Thanks for listening...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Thu, 08-12-2004 - 10:28pm
Hi there! Welcome, and I'm glad you found this board. I noticed in your opening remarks that you said that you had to "resort to this," meaning the cyberworld. Don't feel badly about that - you stumbled onto a really good thing! If you lurked for a while first, you've probably noticed that this is a loving and caring community, no judgment or criticism, we're all in this together.

Me, I ended my A about 6 months ago and don't come here too often. I just happened to be checking in tonight just about the time you posted and I wanted to send you some hugs and positive thoughts. I know it doesn't seem it to you right now, but you will be okay. If this A of yours is truly over, you'll be okay.

One thing that struck me in reading your post, it might be a good idea to look closely into exactly what you were getting from this relationship. It seems that your contact with XMM was pretty limited. Of course, that's not to underestimate your feelings, just to suggest that maybe he was filling some fantasy need for you. After I ended my A, I spent alot of time discovering just what void my XMM filled for me. Turns out I was in love with the drama, excitement, sneakiness, etc. I've been addressing my "need" for these emotions in my life ever since.

Oh yeah, one other thing...congrats on quitting drinking. I'm an addict in recovery. If you're struggling at all with this decision, you might want to check out some meetings. Sometimes after we give up our drugs of choice and our thinking doesn't get better and our lives don't get more manageable, we realize that the drinking was only the tip of the iceberg, if you know what I mean. JMHO, I certainly don't mean to preach.

Hang in there, honey. It will all get better, I promise. Love and hugs, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sat, 08-14-2004 - 10:37pm
Hi Favorite,

You sound like a strong person to me, making lots of major changes in your life at one time and although I don't know you, it sure sounds like you can find someone more deserving of your strength and of the good things you have to offer than this OM who has the police at his house and who seems to k not like his wife much but yet chooses to remain with her and yet leads you on somethimes.

I also have just ended my A of about three years and although there is sadness on my part and I miss some things about it, basically, I can say that I know now, I deserve much better than just a parttime lover and his actions since I ended things between us, are making me begin to not like him very much.

As for some practical advice, I would try to avoid any contact with your ex OM and his wife. It probably only brings you pain and they say here that the longer you go without contact, the easier it gets. Just keep posting here and reading. And know that everyone of us here has been through or is going through these same emotions.

Take care of yourself first of all. No man is worth ruining your mental or physical health over. Reach out for the help you may need. Either here with this board, or with some counseling if you think it can be beneficial for you.

Come on, girl, stay strong.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 12:39am
Thank you - the 1st paragraph of your post painted the ugliest picture or my relationship with my MM. I am glad I got to see it that way.

It was nice to hear that you think I have strength. I wouldn't have listed that as one of my better qualities. I wanted MM to be the transitional guy for me ( I know that is selfish but hey aren't all affairs?) but it was like pulling teeth to get him to meet with me.

I am upset every day by this. I wish I could just move on. I am in couseling. It helps very little when it comes to this topic. Easy for the counselor to say "just forget him"

Thanks for the response..........

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sun, 08-15-2004 - 4:40pm
Hi Favorite,

The reason I say you seem like you have strength is that you have made it through so many changes, divorce, selling your house, quiting drinking. These are all life changing decisions and they take strength of will and of character to initiate and to follow through with. Don't let the OM get in your way of making a better future for yourself.

If you can, spend time in activities with family and friends to keep yourself busy. Concentrate on you. Do things to pamper yourself occasionally and think of the simple things in life that can bring you pleasure.

It just doesn't sound to me like your OM or ex OM is or ever would be good for you. YOu know you can do better.

Hang in there.

IP