Can "Limited Contact" work?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Can "Limited Contact" work?
8
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 2:40pm
Help. Five days ago the OW and I agreed that the A was over. We had a torrid 5 mo. affair and loved every minute together. She is getting divorced, I am rebuilding a previously good marriage of 21 years. Because we live in a small town and our social circles cross over, I have seen her three times since then. We ended up being alone on Sat., and the feelings and emotions were at a fever pitch. I am proud to say that we were able to control ourselves and not get physical. We exchanged letters which we needed to help with the closure process, and I went home to my wife. My question is this, is it possible to have limited contact i.e. a phone call every 2-3 weeks, a birthday card, etc. and not reinstitute the A? Besides being lovers, we became best friends. I want to be there for her if she needs someone while she goes through her divorce, and there will be times when I might want to hear her opinions when I am struggling with my life. Have any of you been successful with limited contact (LC) or is NC the only way to go?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 4:58pm
Oh hon...NO!!!!! LC does not work! I tried it with XMM. Our story is very similar. It worked for a while (a couple of months), BUT, hear me when I say that those feelings and emotions will get the best of you. Please, please don't...especially if she is getting divorced (I am divorcing my H as well, again, our stories sound similar and I know you MUST let her be. It is what is BEST for her). Please allow her to move on. You made your choice...your marriage. Now get in there and work on it and please leave her be. You will NOT be helping her; you will only be keeping her in an emotionally confused and stunted state.

I KNOW how difficult it is (XMM was my lover...the most incredible lover of my life, AND became my best friend as well), but I'm telling you...let her GO! Please hear me...if you REALLY care about her you'll let her GO.

Keep posting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 5:38pm
I have to ditto everything happygal says. Been There,Done That, it doesn't work.

Not to say that SOMEDAY you won't be able to get to that point, but unless you give her time to heal, you are just prolonging the inevitable and holding her back from moving on with her life. Please don't do that to her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:27pm
I agree with everyone here. If you would have asked me a few months ago I would not of though. I would have said keep in touch to see if you can help out but there is no point in that if you really want to end the A. A line was crossed as friends and I do not think that it is possible to go back to the way things were.

I know that I was extremely hurt for months after xMM stopped talking to me. I lost my best friend. He was my biggest supporter. I turned to him for everything. Looking at it now though, the A would have kept starting over and over had we kept talking. If you want to save your marriage, you must devote everything you have to your wife. Sure, it will not be easy to forget about OW, but in time it does get easier.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 7:53pm

My xMM and I are deeply in love with eachother.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 8:37pm
Nuts

Listen to what these women are telling you, THERE TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, if you want to rebuild your M, the AP has to 100 percent GO, if your wife finds out your still in contact with the OW you can kiss your marriage goodbye, to her it will be like a second betryal.

You CAN NOT HAVE BOTH YOUR CAKE AND EAT IT TO.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 11:52am
Well let's see here, I've got 5 people telling me that NC is the only solution, and 0 people telling me that LC will work. I guess I knew in the back of my mind that NC is the only real answer, but I am having trouble accepting that. Logically, the facts supporting my decision to stay with my W of 21 years and rebuild are strong and obvious. So why is it that I am willing to throw it all away after just a 5 mo. A with a woman with two young children, and a somewhat checkered past? What in the hell is wrong with me? Why can't my old pragmatic, logical way of thinking return? I do appreciate all of your help. It's lonely here....
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 12:48pm
You aren't thinking logically because you are caught up in a fantasy world. An affair can be like a drug, and it is SO easy to become addicted. The AP can make you feel high, and you go through withdrawal when you're not with that person. More than likely it is the way the person makes you FEEL that you love, moreso than the person his/herself. That is something you won't be able to see until you have had time away to gain perspective. Anyway, having Limited Contact would be like a drug addict trying to go back to being a casual user. Too much temptation, you will find yourself constantly fighting the craving for the highs of the affair.

You are smart to be ending this after only 5 months. I know what you mean about feeling lonely right now, but you're not alone. I have felt exactly as you feel, and many others of us have also. Feeling like your affair partner is your best friend is not unique, and is for many of us the hardest thing to get over losing. But you are lucky that you have a wife who appears ready to stand by you despite the A, and she should be your best friend!!! Please do think hard about how she would feel about the Limited Contact idea.

I promise you, if you concentrate on your marriage and fight the temptation to remain connected to this person, you will get over this and be a much happier man. Just give it some time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 1:50pm
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Edited 9/14/2004 8:37 am ET ET by lostnhim