Getting over the sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-06-2003
Getting over the sex
9
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 6:45pm
I 've had a hard enough time missing his friendship, BUT, also, I'm having a hard time getting over the sex too.

This is my new thing. As many of us have experienced, sex in an A is the most passionate, intense sex of a lifetime (at least it was for me). I have completely accepted that the A is over, but I still think about sex with him way too often. Am I the only one?

I wonder if I will EVER be able to experience a sexual relationship that intense again, and if not, damn am I going to miss it. I mean, usually in the beginning stages of relationships the sex is exciting, new, intense, but nothing in my past can even come close to the level of excitement and passion I felt with him.

It’s like giving up chocolate for the rest of your life! I don't know...I rarely see sex discussed here. I'm wondering if this is common in the ending-an-affair-process.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 7:40pm
Hiya happy,

Missing the sex is VERY normal. You may not see it posted much here, but it could be because some of the paople here may not have gotten to experience it as often as others, so it is more of an emotional effect that they have. Everything that they miss about their A will be more of what happened based on emotional situations. But it doesnt mean that it is any less normal to miss the great sex.

Of course it was more passionate than anything you have experienced, it is because it was also the most dangerous and risk taking sex you will ever have depending on if you get in another A. When in other typical normal relationships, you dont have to hide or hurry. You have no risk of getting caught. If you do get caught, hell its ok because it isnt an A. Try harder not to miss the sex (easy to say) and just be happy that you were able to experience it. Some people go through life and never know what it feels like to have that kind of sexual experience. And you never know, maybe in your next relationship, normal as it may be, you could try to find some of that passion inside of yourself again, and try to let it resurface a little.

Everything you are feeling is normal, and its ok. Time will make a big difference.

Best wishes

H2H

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 8:48pm
Hi Happy,

I totally agree with all that H2H said about the sex part of the A. I will also add that from my own experience of an A for three years that the first year the sex was absolutely wonderful and more passionate than I had known for years, but then I found that due to our limitations in being able to meet, (ex OM and I were both married), due to these limitations, the experiences became somewhat predictable, still exciting but predictable. Then the last few months before I ended the A, it was like it was almost routine.

I don't know how long your A lasted, but my point is that if it goes on for very long, you do lose some of the passion.

As H2H said, just be glad that we were able to experience it at all and hopefully you will find it with a partner again. I have tried hard to bring some of that excitement and passion back to my marriage and it has worked and my h is very surprised but happy. Thank goodness, he has no idea what triggered it, but it is good.

Just my own thoughts on the subject and hopefully it can help you a bit.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:50pm
OMG Happy I TOTALLY know what you are talking about - infact AS MUCH AS I loved my MM and felt a connection emotionally - there were alot of emotional/mental/spiritual, etc. things that I didn't see between us... but physically - HE WAS IT! EVERYTHING about him was what I want... and I've been with enough guys to know the difference to KNOW it isn't ALWAYS like that - even my past little flings (purely sexual ofcourse *blushing* ) or my last SERIOUS relationship that started out with ALL THAT passion was NOTHING compared to the passion MM and I shared - the way he looked into my eyes and I felt like he was READING my soul - how we moved together - and how he touched me and watched me get pleasure from HIM! OMG I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO afraid of never feeling that again! And I'm afraid should it be available to me again someday in the distant future, even when I *think* I've moved past him and am happy with MY life (and even more fearful - MARRIED) that ONE look at him will make me fall victim to that body and the pleasure I will NEVER forget!

so... yeah... with alittle too much detail I know exactly what you mean!

HOW do we get past it!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 9:23am
I also know exactly how you feel. I was involved in A that last about a year and the sex was incredible, very intense, and passionate. When it ended I resigned myself to the fact that I would probably never experience that again, at least not with my wife. Its just one of those things that I'll have to learn to live without. The A has been over for 5 years, but I still remember the passion as if it were yesterday and miss it tremendously.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 10:31am
OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE YOU SAID THE WAY WE LOOKED IN EACH OTHERS EYES THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT WAS ABOUT BETWEEN ME AND THE OW..THE DIRTY TALK THE CHANCE OF GETTING CAUGHT...WE LOVED EACH OTHER VERY MUCH AND AFTER TWO YEARS THE SEX STARTED TO BECOME NORMAL..WE WOULD EVEN TALKED ABOUT WHAT IT WOULD BE LIKE IF WE WERE MARRIED AMD HAD CHILDERN WE KNEW IT WOULDNT STAY THE SAME..WHEN WE WOULD BREAK UP SHE WOULD SAY THE SEX WASNT ANYTHING WITH THE PARTNERS SHE WAS WITH..WE WERE EACH OTHERS BEST EVER AND WE BOTH HAD AN NUMBER OF PARTNERS..BUT YES I DO MISS THAT THE MOST NO DOUBT IT WAS TO DIE FOR..IT EVEN BOTHERS ME THAT SHE MIGHT HAVE THAT KIND OF SEX WITH HER NEW PARTNER AND IM JEALOUS I KNOW ILL NEVER HAVE IT AGAIN..MY WIFE AND I WERE NEVER LIKE THAT AND I HAVE MENTIONED SOME OF THE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO DO WITH HER TAHT I DID WITH MY OW AND SHE DOESNT ACT INTRESTED...

AND NO SHE DIDNT KNOW WHERE THE IDEA CAME FROM..I HOPE I TOO CAN GET OVER THIS SOMEDAY..

T.W.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Fri, 08-20-2004 - 3:54pm
Hell, yeah, I know what you mean!!! Sex with my XMM was mind-blowing! I agree with the first poster that the circumstances of an A lend themselves to an intensified sexual experience, but I know with me and XMM it was more than that. There was an incredible connection, physically and spiritually, that I can't seem to have with my DH (I don't think I ever did). However, as great as the sex was, it doesn't a relationship make. I decided that the positive feelings between me and my DH - we connect on a spiritual level in so many other areas - far outweighed the spiritual connection with XMM during sex. And yes, I do still miss it. I'm glad I didn't know when we were doing it for the last time that it was going to be the last time, otherwise I probably would have cried thru the entire thing!

I'm having a difficult time rekindling my sex life with my DH. Sometimes its good, sometimes its not. In rebuilding our marriage I know the sex is an important element, but I'm trying not to focus too hard on it because its probably the ONLY area that isn't coming together for us, and I don't want to sabatoge (sp?) the whole relationship over sex. JMHO. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 11:31pm
It's been 10 months for me since I last communicated with the OM and I've been reading the boards to try to cope with these feelings of despair and lonliness. I miss him more than words could describe and reading these last posts just brought it all back. Maybe I was trying to fool myself that what we shared was more than sex. For almost three years I thought we had become friends too but the passion and the intensity was unbeliveable. This was my first and only A and I've been married a very long time, but I've never experienced anything like this with my H. I've tried to bring some of it into my marriage but he's really not interested in doing anything different or exciting, and so I've told myself that there is more to a good M than just the sex and rather than risk losing it all I left the A.

These have been the most difficult months of my life; I literally wake up and go to sleep in tears knowing that I'll probably never experience that closeness an almost oneness with another human being again. Doing the right thing isn't all that easy, but my H deserves that much. I actually try not to think much about the sex anymore, it's way too painful. I'm not sure I can appreciate having experienced it knowing that I will never again. Maybe I'm more comfortable with the belief...you can't miss something you never had in the first place. I tell myself that the guilt from the A is the price I will pay for the rest of my life and possibly the guilt from the great sex is a part of that steep price. Maybe one day I can look back on this time in my life and forgive myself for the A, but right now I'm really not sure how I'll get through the rest of this year.

g

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 4:04pm
No I just want to let you know that is a definite problem. I don't know what it is about that sex during an A but its one of the most powerful experiences that I have ever encountered. Its for that reason alone that I can't stop seeing OM! I think it had to do with the fact that its so exciting and dangerous making it more intense and passionate. All I know is that I think about it all the time. And its so hard because I try to just improve the sex with my boyfriend hoping that if I could successfully accomplish that my OM would fade away, but over the time I feel like I have become addicted to him in some way, probably sexually. All I know for sure is that I have a problem!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2004
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 1:34am
Yep, yep, yep. Sex was best ever. Now it's gone. My H has nothin' on XMM. Was wondering if it was the secretiveness that made it exciting but I think for me, at least, it was that I had so much in common with him and I LIKED him and enjoyed his company so very much. I don't know if I ever liked H because it was such a different, normal relationship beginning, and I was worried like all people do when they start in a relationship that is not forbidden. But I didn't care if XMM liked me, because I was going to be myself and if he didn't like it, well, who cares? I already had a backup at home! And I got to try new stuff with XMM because H is a stick in the mud. I loved the way he freaked out when I suggested some fun in the park on a weekend afternoon (no kids were around - if kids are around, I would never - no way!). He couldn't go thru with it but I was just testing him anyway. I am not a public sex person anyway but I was trying to see what his limits were (talk vs. action). Later, he really opened up with me physically and we became so comfortable. I really miss that. I also loved the way whenever I said "I have an idea....", he would say "oh boy, I better buckle up!" I loved that because he made me feel alive and that he enjoyed my company.

P.S. Today is the first day I didn't cry over XMM. I finally got to talk to him yesterday to find out why he MIA'd on me. He said he was sorry, and that he was feeling guilty because he had a piece of paper that said he wasn't supposed to cheat. I said thank you - finally - for being brave enough to admit part of what I kinda already suspected. And what am I supposed to do, tell him, "it's OK to cheat?". No. I wished him well. It was so nice to not cry today. Awesome day. I think I'm clearing a hurdle. But yeah, I miss the sex. H turned me down again tonite. I wonder why I bother to keep asking him? I don't like sex with him. He chews Copenhagen and smokes too. Oh well, I guess it keeps me looking like a good wife.