a day at a time
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a day at a time
| Thu, 08-19-2004 - 9:16pm |
Just an update of how things are going with my coworker/ex OM. As some of you may have read a few weeks ago, I received some medical news regarding my husband which finally made me put my A in prospective as a very minor superficial selfish part of my life and I told my ex OM that we would not be together in the way we had been. I told him that I wanted us to still be the friends we had been for years and he agreed that he wanted to preserve the friendship too and was okay with my decision.
However, during the past three weeks, he has put me through every emotion imaginable. He has some days when he is friendly and funny as I am used to seeing him, then other days when he is cold and sarcastic to me. Other days, he boasts about how well he and his W are getting along to make me jealous I think. He has tried to be sexual, touching and all that and I have had to remind him to back off. That has all served to make me generally angry with him. He has always manipulated our relationship, and he is sure trying to still do so, but this time it is not succeeding.
I know that the NC theory would work better and would honestly be easier on both of us. As has been said by others, time heals, but seeing the ex every day doesn't allow for a lot of healing. I think it causes more wounds.
Things are going very well for my H. We have gotten some better medical reports than at first, so we are grateful, but it is still an issue to be dealt with in future years and has made me fully appreciate every day and not want to waste it with the A which was ready to be ended anyway.
Has anyone else dealt with this situation of having to see the ex on a daily basis? "true", I know you gave me your experience and I grately appreciate you sharing with me. Do any others have any such experiences to share with me or is my ex OM just being especially mean and hateful. I suppose he is hurting, but I think a big part of it is that he is just not getting his way, because for the three years of the physical part of the A, he called the shots and boy, I got tired of that too.
Hopefully, we can remain friends, but I'm not sure and that makes me sad.
My H and I decided to take a pretty spontanious little trip out of town on Monday and Tuesday, and when I got back to work on Wednesday, boy, was he (ex om) in a really bad mood. Enough so that others in the office commented on it.
Thanks everyone for listening to me vent a little.
IP
However, during the past three weeks, he has put me through every emotion imaginable. He has some days when he is friendly and funny as I am used to seeing him, then other days when he is cold and sarcastic to me. Other days, he boasts about how well he and his W are getting along to make me jealous I think. He has tried to be sexual, touching and all that and I have had to remind him to back off. That has all served to make me generally angry with him. He has always manipulated our relationship, and he is sure trying to still do so, but this time it is not succeeding.
I know that the NC theory would work better and would honestly be easier on both of us. As has been said by others, time heals, but seeing the ex every day doesn't allow for a lot of healing. I think it causes more wounds.
Things are going very well for my H. We have gotten some better medical reports than at first, so we are grateful, but it is still an issue to be dealt with in future years and has made me fully appreciate every day and not want to waste it with the A which was ready to be ended anyway.
Has anyone else dealt with this situation of having to see the ex on a daily basis? "true", I know you gave me your experience and I grately appreciate you sharing with me. Do any others have any such experiences to share with me or is my ex OM just being especially mean and hateful. I suppose he is hurting, but I think a big part of it is that he is just not getting his way, because for the three years of the physical part of the A, he called the shots and boy, I got tired of that too.
Hopefully, we can remain friends, but I'm not sure and that makes me sad.
My H and I decided to take a pretty spontanious little trip out of town on Monday and Tuesday, and when I got back to work on Wednesday, boy, was he (ex om) in a really bad mood. Enough so that others in the office commented on it.
Thanks everyone for listening to me vent a little.
IP

First, this OM seems to have no respect for your wishes. Whatever the medical reasons are that caused you to make the decision to end your A, were undoubtedly strong enough reasons to make you re-evaluate what you have with your H as well. I applaud you for making the decision to end this. Not as many people would have such the strength. Sometimes it takes things being a little drastic for us to realize what it is we have at home and in life in general.
My thoughts on this whole NC thing because you work with him are as follows:
We only have ONE thing in life that we HAVE to do, and that is die. We do not HAVE to live because we each have the choice to commit suicide. We do not HAVE to pay taxes because we could each choose to live on the streets. Everything in this life besides dieing gives us a choice. That includes no contact even if you work in the same place. If he is your boss I could see the problem... but there is the choice of finding a new place to work, or request a different department. If your OM is a co-worker that usually in general you dont have the need to discuss anything with him, then you CAN choose NC. Just because you are in the same environment doesnt mean that you have to be his friend. How many people do you know that goes to work everyday and hasnt a clue about half of the people that work in the same place? If you are at work to do a JOB, that JOB does NOT include being "friends" with your OM.
It is hard, I know. I am not saying that it is easy. But the small talk of things that dont include work, well they can be ignored and walked away from. It is all about YOUR inner strength in which I know you have lots of to have made it this far. Do not let him manipulate you. Do not let him make you feel like being his friend is a part of your job because it isnt. You stay strong in your decision and remember, you ALWAYS have a choice.
Hugs and Love,
H2H
It is true that I do have a choice as to how to respond to him and so far, I have done much better than I expected. I have tried twice before to stop the A because I felt guilty and was trying hard to work on my marriage and both previous times Ex OM has been able to talk me back in, but this time it isn't working. I have stayed very busy at work which provides less time for personal chit chat. I do try to imagine how I would feel if he had been the one to officially say it was over. I would have been devistated emotionally. Maybe he is actually more sensitive than I gave him credit for being. Although I do miss the flirting and some of that, in general and over all, I am relieved and I am proud of myself for finally having the strength to say a definite "no" to him.
Thanks for your input. I'm truly not as cold as my posting sounded about ending it, it's just that I have been trying for several months, knowing in my heart that I couldn't go on living a double life, one at work and one at home, and the ex oM has been so manipulative during the whole A, that I honestly didn't think it would affect him except for frustrating him that he can't have things his own way. I know that he cares for me, but I have to do what is right for me.
IP
Glad to see you and hubby are using some of your time to good value.
Sounds like XMM is still acting like a notty little boy, so when he acts like one treat him like one and with hold what he wants which is your attention, in short punish him for being a bad little boy.
Your experience with him is not unusual when the woman tries to end the A it seems like a lot of the males take it badly and act out trying to manipulate the women involved back in, I think that it shows that there is no real respect or genuine love\careing involved just me getting mine.
Sorry but it is very likely your going to have to end the friendship and if you don't but refuse to play the games he wants after a while he will because there is no PAYOFF for him to continue, you know L at the other board, well she stopped the sex and XMM has disappeared out of he life and it did not take very long.
If need be you should consider the move to another office as far away from XMM as you can get.
My best wishs for your husbands health, make the most of the time.
Free
Great to hear your good common sense thoughts once again and thanks for the good wishes. Yes, things are going quite well on the home front. I'm glad you mentioned L from the other board, I have certainly wondered about how her situation was going, but have seen no recent postings from her. Hope she is all right. It was strange how there for a while, we had quite a little group of us going through such similar situations with our marriages and our OMs. I certainly helped to have that group suport and to know that I wasn't the only one in the situation.
Yes, ex OM is like a spoiled little boy. WE are both old enough and I thought mature enough to know that the A was just what it was and although I feel a deep affection for him becuase of everything we have been through for years and years, I know his faults and one of them is that he does love control and he is no longer controling our situation. Maybe he will settle down and act more maturely, but if he makes it too difficult for me, I can and I will move my office. I have still not told him what the final thing was that brought me to this decision about my H's medical issues. It isn't his business. The medical problem involves my H's eventual loss of his eye sight due to Glaucoma. This can be treated but can get progressively worse over the years. A few weeks ago, it was suspected at his regular eye doctor appointment, then a follow up appointment a week later indicated that things were fairly normal. He has another apointment in two more weeks to check, but this condition runs in his family and it will not surprise me if it does come about, if not now, at some future time. He is fairly young to be diagnosed with this condition, but eventually, if he does definitely develope it, it will affect his life style and ours together in certain ways.
AS I have said in other postings, it isn't life threatening and others have much worse problems to cope with, but it was a wake up call to make me put things in my life in prospective.
Sorry to go on so much on personal stuff. Thanks for listening and thinks for the good wishes and good advice.
IP
I am a diabetic with slowly failing eye sight so I know how frightening the thought of going blind is, I hope that his doctor has over reacted to whatever he saw during the exam.
But you are right when you get news like this it does make you site up and take a close hard look at what really matters to you, XMM, the job and property don't seem to count for much.
IP do what you got to do to make the most of these days because you can't buy em back with regret or tears.
Don't worry about sharing your personal stuff, there are some very caring people around her.
Free
Thanks once again for your support through all this mess. I do appreciate it so much and I appreciate everyone here.
I have a very dear friend who is diabetic and I know that it can affect one's vision. I know you will find this surprising but I myself am totally visually impaired, loosing my vision to a tumor on the optic nerve of each eye when I was an infant. This is another reason that my H's possible loss of vision was very disturbing, but we have a very supportive family and hopefully, if the worst should happen, it will be many years from now and who knows what medical technology can come about in the meantime. I'm sure you are thinking along the same lines on that also.
The reason I tell you this about myself is that if you should have any questions or need any information I might can help you with regarding any materials or low vision products that can make everyday life more pleasant or easier or if you should just want to chat, let me know of some way I can get you my email address. I would rather not post my personal email address here.
I would be happy to help in any way I can and would love to chat with you although I know the boards keep you very busy.
Hey, what ya think about that. A blind person can screw up and have an A too. Smiles!!
Take care and thanks once again.
IP
So what your telling me is that X MARRIED MAN could have 2 noses and 3 eyes and you would not know it. KIDDING HERE.
Do you use software to read the text on the screen, I believe that windows XP comes with some built in does it not.
If I can ask what sort of aids do you have to help in your day to day life, especially at work.
Diabetic vision impairment comes from blood vains growing inside the eyes tell they block out the light, Needless to say I do look forward to the day that they learn to remove these vains.
I believe that one day we will see nerve regeneration as SOP in the repair of spinal injury and it is not much of a leap from there to repairing other nerves so there is allways hope.
Work keeps me a lot more busy then these board do.
Here is a HOTMAIL address that I don't really use anymore but if you want to e-mail me there I will forward it to my active account and responded from there so you can get my correct address.
elbrya@hotmail.com
I go to the account several times a week to delete junk mail and to keep it open so I will keep an eye open for a mail from you.
My best to you and yours.
Free
Your humor definitely matches my own. LOL! Seriously, ex MM is quite nice looking as is my H (general oppinion provided by others on that.) Ex MM primary appeal and most dangerous one for me was his charm, knowing all the right things to say at the right time, plus, for some reason, we have for years had an attraction for one another.
I did email you at your hotmail address. Hope it goes through to you since I am using our new computer here at home and still learning on it.
Hope to hear from you.
Take care and you are so right about Ex acting like a bad little boy. He does like my attention. He says funny things and sings me little silly songs and stuff like that when he is in a good mood, just to keep my attention and it kills him when I don't respond, so you are right. I do have some power over him with the attention thing. Thanks for pointing it out.
Well, have a good week. Thanks.
IP
My hotmail account seems to have tanked on me so I have set up new user accounts and sent you a e-mail from a account name you may not have seen before (test drove it at the affairs board) but it is me so go ahead and drop me a line I should now get it.
Free