Different Situation?
Find a Conversation
Different Situation?
| Thu, 08-19-2004 - 10:08pm |
I guess I feel like my situation is somewhat different than alot of yours. My MM told me from the get go he would not leave his wife - but I think he, like I, felt the connection between us and wanted to explore it. Well... he's always said that he loves his wife and I *do* believe they have a good marriage. I think they both are *happy* in the marriage! And yet... he DID get involved with me for a year. Now.. he's trying to do what's right and let go of me and be true to the commitment he made - so... my thing is... was I always *less* to him!? I feel like the marriage COULDN'T be "happy" if he was willing to risk it like he did (even though he was naive in thinking there was no risk!)
I don't know what I'm asking or looking for with this post - it's just boggled my mind how he had a great marriage before we got involved - he got to experience some time with me - and now... he's back to his wonderful marriage and I'm left out in the cold! It seems unfair and I'm confused - I want to think he's not COMPLETELY happy or he wouldn't have been with me - and maybe everything isn't GREAT for him! I know that is evil but - I'm hurting! :(

Pages
I can imagine that you are definitely hurting and I will tell you that no matter what MM told you, his marriage was not all that happy or he wouldn't have felt the desire he did for you and become involved with you. I think the term he probably meant or should have used was that his marriage gave him security of some sort and was comfortable.
I guess we can give him some credit for at least making it clear that he intended to remain in his marriage, but no, it isn't the ideal marriage.
Just know that you deserve better than that person for yourself.
Hang in there. IP
Sorry but the stats show that about 65 percent of men that have affairs are happy in there marriage and the other woman is just a treat they think they should be allowed to have on the side.
The stats also show that only about 5 percent of cheating MM leave the wife for the other woman, so you XMM is not doing anything out of the norm.
To a lot of men it is nothing but an affair and that is all they want it to ever be, if it becomes a problem or a threat to there marriage it is over.
I know this is of no comfort to you but sometimes dealing with the truth can help you to make the decisions you need to to move your life forward again.
Good luck
Free
Even though it seems like your situation may be different, it really isnt all that different. Most people here always knew and in some cases were told that the MM/MW would never leave the marriage.
It certainly doesnt help that we hope for it in our own little secret world of wants and desires. I mean, it is natural to get that involved with someone, emotionally and physically and then feelings change. You know, just because you knew from the get go that he wasnt leaving his M, it certainly didnt sway you enough to back out, and it certainly didnt keep you from having feelings for him just the same.
Now, I could sit here for hours being harsh and banging your head against the wall while asking why you went through with it even though you knew.... but that isnt me and I am not going to do that to you. You had reasons, and in the beginning, maybe you felt like it wouldnt escalate into what it did, and maybe you didnt realize all that comes with an A. In order for us to learn we have to try.
He did get emotionally involved. And no his marriage wasnt A.O.K... or he wouldnt have had an A. People dont just wake up one morning with a perfect life(in which does NOT exist anyway) and decide to cheat or sleep around or get emotional with that of the opposite sex. It doesnt work that way. No one knows why he got involved, maybe he was missing things at home, maybe his W was not doing what she should have been doing. Keep in mind though that in ALL marriages, if they start to fail or have problems it means that both people involved are responsible. So, he cant say that he has a perfect marriage. No one does. I think he was "content" with his life. He was "comfortable" with his life, and for a short time inhis life, he found what it was like to have the best of both worlds. Does it make it fair to you? No way!
Ask yourself, is this the kind of man that you want to be with? You are missing someone and hurting over someone who cant even look you in the eye and tell you that you mean enough to them to be with you. He however can go home to his wife and feed her some line of crap because she has no idea what he has done. You have the upper hand of knowing what kind of man he really is. And being able to decide to move on from him with the information you have learned. He has sucked up enough of your energy and breath, dont allow constant thoughts of him consume you anymore. Easy for me to say, not so easy to do at first.
Knowing if he cares about you will not be satisfaction enough for closure, knowing if he was emotionally involved wont be either. You know why? Because you already knew the answers to both of those questions. Yes, he cared for you the only way HE knew how. Maybe not the way you wanted, but the only way he could. And yes, he was emotionally involved or the A wouldnt have lasted so long. So why did he end it? For reasons unknown to you, which is best. You just need to try to find it in you to be thankful he let you go so that you could find someone who will give you everything you deserve, want and need, with NO limitations, stipulations, rules, or agreements to worry about. UNCONDITIONAL.
Fly like a bird sweetie and breathe the fresh air, for you have finally been freed!
I wish you all the best and though it is so hard now, the sun does shine again, the birds do sing, and you will smile. Time.... Time.... Time.. Cry when you need to, come here and post and read, and make yourself busy with things to do for YOU!!!
Hugs and Love,
H2H
I just want to give you my perspective on your situation since I sound like your MM from what you explain.
I had a MM persue me - we had an intense connection, but I was not going to cheat on my H as I have a happy marriage. We are both M. (Well, he wasn't went I first got to know him but got married within the first year we became really good friends).
He told me he wanted to explore this connection, too. I fought it off for a while but then caved. He said it didn't reflect negatively on either of our spouses and I somewhat agreed.
I was the one to let go (just recently) after a couple of months because there is no way I can deceive my H. I tried it. It was just something I wanted to try I guess. Maybe it's selfish - I saw the amazing passion between us and wanted to experience it. We never had sex, but we got very intimate.
I don't think you were 'less' to him. He like me, probably couldn't go thru life not experiencing that kind of passion. (Just a guess...)
I'm sure he realized there was risks involved, as did I. I was very careful, and never wanted my H to find out. It was just something I had to explore. Very unlike me, too.
I'm sorry you are hurting. I am guessing you are not married. These situations are so very different for all of us, but I wanted to let you know I feel like I did the same thing as your MM.
I don't have the passion with my H but all in all I do have a happy marriage. Hope you can believe that.
For what it's worth, you are not the only one in this situation. Your post describes my A exactly. He said from the very beginning, and never wavered in his stance, that he loves his W, he loves only his W, his marriage is perfect. He said he's thought about it a million times, wondering why he ever got involved with me, wondering what he could be missing in his marriage, and came up blank every time. He concluded it had to be just that I was so wonderful.
I didn't believe a word of it. Didn't believe that his marriage was perfect. Didn't believe that he wasn't missing anything. Simply could not be true if he was with me. I told him "You're a fool. If you're in love with her, then you're a fool to be here with me. And if you're here with me, then you're a fool not to love me." He agreed, but didn't do anything about it.
And because I concluded that he was in denial about how great his marriage was and how amazing his W was, it was not a big jump for me to conclude that he might also be in denial about whether he would ever leave her. I thought, as you did, that he couldn't look at me that way and want me that way and be with me that way if he didn't love me. I had never felt so loved as when I was in his arms, in spite of all his protestations that W was the love of his life. I just thought that he had convinced himself that as long as he didn't actually say the words to me, he had not completely been unfaithful to her. It made sense to me that he might think he'd crossed a lot of lines but as long as he didn't cross that one--as long as he didn't admit he loved me--it was ok. I concluded that he just felt that admitting he loved me would be the ultimate betrayal; more than actually loving me.
Knowing how huge his capacity for denial was, I convinced myself that he was just trying to believe--and trying to make me believe--that he wouldn't ever leave her. But maybe, just maybe, he would. Maybe he'd see that he'd be happier with me.
Well, that was MY denial, and it was just as powerful as his denial. He was never going to admit that he loved me; he was never going to stand up and make a decision to change his life for his own happiness or for anyone else's. And I was eventually sick of being disappointed. So I got out. But I miss him. Every minute of every day, I miss him.
So no, yours is not a "different situation." I'm going through exactly the same thing. Glad you're here. Thanks for your post. Hang in there.
Grace
There is clear evidence that people that come from homes were there was cheating in the marriage also have a higher lilelyhood of cheating themselves.
Maybe people need to have a closer look at themselves when trying to find out the ways of an affair.
Written by a two time loser.
Very good response, I completely agree.
Edited 10/1/2004 6:26 pm ET ET by sally289
I did not say 65 percent of couples were happy I said 65 percent of MM who cheat claimed to be happy.
HERE are some web sites as posted by a CL from the affairs support board were some of these stats were gleaned.
I NEVER THROUGH OUT STATS WITH OUT HAVING SOMETHING TO BASE THEM ON.
http://www.wordscapes.net/extramarital-affairs.htm
Types of Affairs: http://www.wordscapes.net/types-of-affairs.htm
Love Affairs
1. In Love Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/inlove-affairs.htm
2. Loving Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/loving-affairs.htm
3. Bridge Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/bridge-affairs.htm
4. Hate Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/hate-affairs.htm
Sex Affairs
1. Sensual Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/sensual-affairs.htm
2. Sexual Adventure Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/sexual-adv-affairs.htm
3. Sexual Conquest Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/sex-conquest-affairs.htm
Reasons Men Have Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/men-affairs.htm
Reasons Women Have Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/women-affair.htm
Facts on Affairs http://www.wordscapes.net/affairs-facts.htm
Interesting.
Pages