I was reading your post and felt compelled to just write to you. Not sure that anything I say can or will help, just some thoughts.
I have been trying to keep up with your story, and for the most part, I know what has happened with you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how it feels to have NO closure, to go straight to NC.. cold turkey. I also know what it feels like to have no choice in the matter. BTDT!! Dont want to go back there again.
I gathered from this post that you are trying hard to be strong with a "oh well, whatever" attitude. I applaud you for trying to find strength, but I must say that unless you allow yourself to go through ALL the phases of ending this A, it will take you so much longer to recover. Maybe I can explain: When these A's end, there are several phases that hit us. Shock, Denial, Hurt, Anger, Confusion, Depression, and Healing. Maybe not in that exact order... but pretty close. You are trying to move from Shock, and Hurt and maybe even denial to Healing way too fast. If you try to deny those phases from coming and passing now, they will catch up with you at some point and just WHAM.... knock you completely over and you fall back to square one.
Take time honey to hurt, take time to be in shock, to be confused, and to be upset and angry... allow all of this to come into your life. This is truly like a death for you. There will be no way to ever completely heal, if you dont completely hurt first. If I had gotten an e-mail like that in return to what you sent him, even though he never knew it was you, I would have cried, I would have been MAD, I would have cussed him for every breath it was worth, and then and only then would I allow myself to start some kind of healing process. These things dont happen over night, and it is OK if these phases take a little while to go through. We are ALL here for you. I would much rather see you take a little time now to deal with this, and have a normal life, than to never get over it and struggle for years with normalcy.
Just try not to be soooo strong too fast. I always tell everyone to keep their strength, and keep posting if need be and everything, and I mean it, however, I also mean for you to not try to be stronger than your emotions are ready for. All of that strength will come soon enough. This has all happened here recently for you.... so just sit and evaluate your emotions now... and tell us how you really feel, it is ok to be weak here sometimes... we all are!
Dont know yet what posting this to you means, but in some way, I hope it helps.
I was reading your post and felt compelled to just write to you. Not sure that anything I say can or will help, just some thoughts.
I have been trying to keep up with your story, and for the most part, I know what has happened with you. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I know how it feels to have NO closure, to go straight to NC.. cold turkey. I also know what it feels like to have no choice in the matter. BTDT!! Dont want to go back there again.
I gathered from this post that you are trying hard to be strong with a "oh well, whatever" attitude. I applaud you for trying to find strength, but I must say that unless you allow yourself to go through ALL the phases of ending this A, it will take you so much longer to recover. Maybe I can explain: When these A's end, there are several phases that hit us. Shock, Denial, Hurt, Anger, Confusion, Depression, and Healing. Maybe not in that exact order... but pretty close. You are trying to move from Shock, and Hurt and maybe even denial to Healing way too fast. If you try to deny those phases from coming and passing now, they will catch up with you at some point and just WHAM.... knock you completely over and you fall back to square one.
Take time honey to hurt, take time to be in shock, to be confused, and to be upset and angry... allow all of this to come into your life. This is truly like a death for you. There will be no way to ever completely heal, if you dont completely hurt first. If I had gotten an e-mail like that in return to what you sent him, even though he never knew it was you, I would have cried, I would have been MAD, I would have cussed him for every breath it was worth, and then and only then would I allow myself to start some kind of healing process. These things dont happen over night, and it is OK if these phases take a little while to go through. We are ALL here for you. I would much rather see you take a little time now to deal with this, and have a normal life, than to never get over it and struggle for years with normalcy.
Just try not to be soooo strong too fast. I always tell everyone to keep their strength, and keep posting if need be and everything, and I mean it, however, I also mean for you to not try to be stronger than your emotions are ready for. All of that strength will come soon enough. This has all happened here recently for you.... so just sit and evaluate your emotions now... and tell us how you really feel, it is ok to be weak here sometimes... we all are!
Dont know yet what posting this to you means, but in some way, I hope it helps.
Hugs honey,
H2H