see if you can figure out my ex-OM

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
see if you can figure out my ex-OM
1
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 5:53pm
If you will read my prior posts, you will see that my x-om is single and has a girlfriend and I am married, but fixing to divorce. We talked about being together, but x-om doesn't want to discuss it until I am divorced. We work for the same company. He has always said that now that we have been in an EMA, it is hard for him to be "just friends". Here's the problem. He can't handle being around me if we are alone, but if there are other people around, he will break his neck to get my attention. Today, I was walking to my car and talking to another coworker. X-OM was trying so hard to speak to me and to talk to me, that he walked into my car for not paying attention. He does stuff like this all of the time. He says he can't handle talking to me on the phone or being around me if we are alone, but he can handle talking to me if there are other people around. What exactly is he trying to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 6:30pm
It makes complete sense to me that your OM would act this way. I went through this same ordeal soooo many times. I was in my A for 4 plus years. I was married, OM was single, and dating.

Your OM acts this way because he is at his safest when you both are surrounded by other people. This is his safe zone. Your safe zone is going home to your H. Something that seems to be rather solid to your OM or else he sees it that you wouldnt stay married. He knows he loves you and doesnt want to lose you to someone else, so he has to keep up with you somehow, even if it is only while being around others. He is protecting himself from his own feelings. When you guys are around other people, then the relationship between the two of you doesnt have to be a reality. You cant be a reality in front of others. Therefore making for his safe zone. If he is alone with you, then it becomes his reality. His feelings become real and they come to the surface and he cant hold them back. There is no one there to keep it from happening. He doesnt want to let himself go completely to you, not until you are divorced. He wants a normal life with you. But he wont keep waiting.

I guess how he acts with you will depend on your actions. If you stay married, then he will stay the way he is now for a while longer until he truly realizes that you arent going to get divorced. Which the divorce has to be a decision you make based soley on YOU, not this A. Because all in all, when looking at this, sometimes the results of the A dont change just because you got divorced. Meaning that he may be all about you now, but will he be this way when you are divorced? Was it the thrill of the chase for him or does he actually love you? These are questions you have to think about.

One other option as to why he is acting like this, is because maybe it makes him feel good, feeds his ego to know that you still love and want him. My suggestion is to start NC as much and as often as possible with him. Give yourself time to decide on your marriage. Is your marriage really so bad that it cant be fixed? Do you believe there is room for growth in your marriage? Is this guy just a cloud that keeps you from seeing how your H may feel about you? No one persons relationship is perfect, by any means, so just dont think that by leaving one bad relationship, that this next one will be all that you hope for. You will just be trading in one set of problems for another. And honestly, if this guy truly does love you, then he will understand when you tell him that you have to get YOUR life straightened out first BEFORE you can focus on any of his little actions that seem to be confusing you.

Hope you are able to clear your thoughts soon and make a decision based on what will be best for you and your life.

Best wishes honey,

H2H