I'm too weak

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
I'm too weak
4
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 5:58pm
I've been with MM for almost 3 years and can't get the strength to keep NC although I've started it about 10-15 times over the years. I knew MM for 2 years before we started our A. During those 2 years I had a serious crush on him, and knew he did for me too. But I consciously stayed away because he was married. I thought I was 'strong.' Hah. As soon as he told me his marriage was over, I let down all barriers and fell into his arms. I was not strong enough, or smart enough, to wait till he actually left his wife. I was weak. And that weakness has carried all through these years. I'm too weak to keep NC. When I try, I can't bear it, and go back to him. So if all of us weren't strong enough to say 'no' to starting the affair in the first place, how could we possibly be strong enough to stop it once it's started?

PS: He's still married but says he has nothing to do with her. He stays for his 6 and 8 year old boys. He sleeps in a separate bedroom, and avoids her when they're both in the house at the same time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:04pm
Well, I guess it comes down to whether or not you feel like you can live with him being with his W and not with you. Are you married? If so, then it is a different story. But if not, then don't you think you deserve a husband and a family of your own?

Does being in the A make you feel happy? For me, once the bad feelings started to outweigh the excitement and "good" feelings, I knew it was time to end it. You just have to make a conscious decision and stick with it, no matter how hard it may be.

You *can* do it, brooklynjuliet. Keep yourself busy, come here for support, and live life. In the long run, it will be for the best.

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:14pm
Thanks so much for your support. I appreciate it. Interesting how you asked if I'm 'happy in the A.' I'm not happy in the A, I'm not happy out of it, but I'm very happy when I'm actually WITH MM, and I've told him this. We love each other very much. But he can't see leaving his boys. I'm divorced with 2 boys also. And I understand his dilemma because, of course, I could never leave my boys. He is a wonderful father. Actually a better parent than his W.

But he knows it makes me sick to my stomach to think that I am 'sharing' him with another woman. Even just picturing them in the same house makes me crazy. We've cried together over this and he's said he's sorry over and over, but we both know he won't leave his boys. So I keep trying to end this A. I tell him, and myself, that it'll be temporary. That in 10 years when he can leave his boys, we'll live happily ever after together. But then I become so depressed, I figure I might as well go back with him to have some happiness some of the time, and get out of the depression.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 6:29pm
But can you wait 10 years for a man who may or may not leave his wife? It sounds like this is a very complicated situation, but the reality is that if he *really* wanted to be with you, he would be. This is just my opinion, but I don't necessarily buy the whole staying together "for the children". If his marriage is that bad, and from what you said, it sounds like it really isn't even a marriage, then you would think he would want out as soon as possible, not 10 years down the line.

Have you gone to see a professional counselor? You may want to consider this as an option as you deal with all of this and to help with the feelings of depression.

I wish you all the best, and remember to always put yourself FIRST - YOU are worth it!

((hugs))

Circe

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 8:53pm

Reality check here.....


"PS: He's still married but says he has nothing to do with her. He stays for his 6 and 8 year old boys. He sleeps in a separate bedroom, and avoids her when they're both in the house at the same time. "