I Did It!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
I Did It!
1
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 8:24pm
I ended my A. I made it official today by closing out the cell phone account I had just for the purpose of being able to talk to him. I'm scared, I'm sad and I miss him already. But I know it's what has to be done. I know it.

My story is this...met him through a mutual friend. Not really sure how I ended up romantically involved. We both have partners. Both partners have cheated on us. Both have dysfunctional relationships. It was quite intense from the start. A LOT of sexual chemistry, but also mutual respect, affection and enjoyment of each other. As time has gone on, our feelings for each other have increased. Actually, mine have. I don't know about his. I think so. He says so. Most of the time he's acted like it's so. But who really knows.

Neither's partner knows about the A. It's gone on about 1 1/2 years. There have been some time periods where I have tried to stop. Without actually telling him so. But I always went back because I missed him so and just couldn't do it. Lately, though, he's been different. Still very sweet when I talk to him, but always busy. It feels to me like he's blowing me off. Not necessarily intentionally, but hurts nonetheless. I know he has a LOT on his plate, but I made the decision two days ago, when he was supposed to meet me but couldn't because he had been up till 3:30 in the morning waiting for his W to come home from the bars (as usual...long story). He had 3 hours of sleep and was too tired. That was it for me. Actually, that coupled with not as many phone calls, seeing him once in the last 6 weeks, and the realization that we will never, EVER get to be a "normal" couple. We will never go to a movie. Never make him dinner. Never spend a night together. Never take a walk on the beach. Never watch the sun set. Never have pet names. Never meet each others' families. Never. Never. Never. Never. I feel like a cliche`. I cannot harbor such strong, loving feelings for someone and have them so compartmentalized. I can't spend another night pining to be with him. I can't feel the sting of being cancelled on, yet again. I can't hear anything more about his W (something he does alot of, but I don't do to him). I can't stand watching him waste his life, whether he were to be with me or not, with a selfish, useless woman that doesn't take care of their home, their kids or their relationship. I actually know a lot more about her than even he does, from our mutual friend. She's no good. I've even heard how she talks about him. He is wasting his life. But it's his to waste, not mine. I can't play this game anymore. I have to go. I just hope I have the strength to stick with it. At least I know he can't get ahold of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
In reply to: sillyme12000
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:48pm
Good for you!!!!!! I know right now your emotions are probably going haywire and you are second guessing yourself but a favorite saying of mine "give it 24 hours" if you feel like going back on what you've decided tell yourself... "okay me :p you can go back on what you decided if in 24 hours you STILL want to!" more than likely in 24 hours your outlook will change and you'll again remember WHY you did what you did and your self confidence will reappear and say "I don't want that... I want MORE for me!" and getting more for yourself is BOUND to take work... so remember that... the work *might* be... crying 500 tears... it might be a 1/2 dozen lonely Friday nights... it might be feeling like you never want to love again... there ARE going to be things that you have to get through to get to the good stuff - EVERYTHING is like that! :) So... BE patient with yourself and remember what you are doing - you are doing for YOU and so you can eventually be HAPPY - keep your eye on the goal and one of these days you'll be there and think... hey... that wasn't so bad! ;) LOL

Just worry about getting through today... sometimes it will be - just get through this next hour - but as you get through each hour and each day you'll be that much stronger and that much closer to leaving the pain and struggle behind and closer to happier and easier times!!!

God's best to you!