friend sent letter to x's new GF

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
friend sent letter to x's new GF
11
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 4:29pm
I have not posted recently but need some help/advice. Short story--My best friend and I (of over 20 years) had a LD affair ( for 4 years)- we were first loves and remained close friends over the years-- well anyway---he got divorced- finalized in May. I separated from husband in the end of May but did not tell him I was doing this. He meanwhile decided he was no longer in love with me-- after 20+ years and had started dating someone. I told him I had just gotten separated. He wanted to move on and felt like we would just not work out in the end...the last 2 months have been awful. I flew down there 2 weeks ago and we had it out in a sense. He said he was still in love with me but just did not think it would work. I told him what a jerk he was in how he handled things and he agreed and was so sorry etc...He wanted to remain friends and was so sorry he was not there for me the last 2 months. I came back home.

He called everyday for a week. Finally it was too much for me. I knew I could not be just friends. He was dating this woman and was quite serious after only a short time. She is a doc where he works. She was divorced about 3 years ago because her husband had multiple affairs. I asked him how could we be friends- how would he ever explain me to her...he had not thought of that...he still wanted to be friends as we have been together for so long and we both cared about the other so much. He did not want to lose that. I told him in order for us both to move on we had to not talk again- it was the only way...it was an incredibly difficult conversation and we both were in tears.

I told him I needed to tell some friends - he agreed that would be good. Well that was two weeks ago...I saw a woman I had not seen in years. We lived together when my X and I first broke up 20 years ago- It seemed like such a coincidence...so I told her what had happened - we had dinner -- I sent her some of the emails over the years....Well she decided to send the woman he is now dating a letter with my emails. Here is the letter

Hopefully I have the right person. Since there is only one female xxxxdoc where (my X-C) works I assume this is you. One of my friends just told me about what she has been going through over the past few months/years. Granted she is partly responsible for her own mess, but I was so angry that she could be defending such an a**hole I had to do something. I just wanted you to know what kind of person you are dating.

C had an affair with my friend, XX, that began 4 years ago and ended in June. I am not sure how many other affairs he had, but my guess is more than one and I am sure this behavior contributed to the break-up of his marriage.

When xx told me what had happened I was shocked. At first, I was happy that C was out of her life, but when I saw the emails I could not believe what kind of person could do this to another person. It made me sick. I am sure xxx will be angry with me when she finds out that I sent you these emails but if she can forgive C than I am sure she will forgive me too at some point.

Their affair began 4 years ago and clearly she made a bad choice, but what C did was not only wrong, it was incredibly hurtful. As I read the emails it seems that he was the one who wanted more and pushed for it and shortly after XXX left her husband, he told her he was no longer in love with her. I find it very difficult to believe.

XX is a good person and what makes me angry is that she still trusts him and would forgive him in a second. How can she be so stupid? Why would you repeatedly trust someone like him? She continues to defend him. I think men like C seek out these good, caring women, know what to say and do, and then betray their trust. Once his wife asked for a divorce, he clearly wanted to continue to carry on the affair while she was still married and XX wanted to wait until they were both free to be together again. Even after all they had been through, C still wanted to maintain their close friendship. He has refused to let go and it was not until last week when XX finally said that she wanted him to be happy and in order for him to be happy he needed to forget about her and move on with his life that he was willing to do that…how ludicrous…he dumped her and wanted to maintain a relationship and she wants him to find happiness. I wanted to get sick…it was just too much. He wanted to have his cake and eat it too. It angers me.

Maybe the issue of trust is not important to you. I was just disgusted by this whole thing. He has ruined so many lives over the years and I figured maybe it was time someone knew what he was really like so they could make their own decision—I just thought you should know.

My friend sent this without me knowing but now that I know I am not sure if I should call my X and let him know? My friend does not know that the woman he is dating was divorced because her Xhusband had lots of affairs-- but I assume this will hurt her alot as I know my X has not said a word. On top of that he will probably be angry at me...I feel awful

Yet I hate to admit this- but I also feel happy in a way that he will have to deal with all this and be put in a difficult situation of explaining what he did. The emails have my email address on it so I am not sure what will happen or what I should say or do...any advice would be helpful...I do feel badly that he will be hurt by this...and that this woman who I do not even know will be hurt. That does not seem fair....

what do I do??

tb

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 4:43pm
Dear tb:

I think you have done the right thing by leaving this man once and for all. I know how hard it is, I'm going through the same thing. But I think you should just completely ignore the fact that your friend sent that email to his new woman. You are done with him! Remember? Done. Caput. Finito. This is now out of your hands. It's between your friend (who truly sounds like she cares for you) and the new woman. You had nothing to do with it. Don't feel guilty that she sent it. Don't feel guilty that it sort of makes you happy. If he contacts you about it, remember: NO CONTACT. Otherwise this will go on and on and on as it has for all these years. I'm so sorry for your heartbreak. I'm going through it too and it's killing me. But this pain is less than the pain of being in 'limbo land' with a MM who wants his cake and eat it too.

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 5:06pm
I agree with Brooklyn - don't fret about ANY of that... use your time and effort to keep moving forward and regaining a friendship that appears to be a good one! You can't use this letter that was sent for any other reason then what she sent it for... to notify this xxxxdoc of C's past personality traits. It's not your problem and you don't owe C or his new thing A THING! Don't take his calls - don't feel like you have to explain yourself... LET IT GO! :)

You can DO IT!!! :)

God's best to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 6:18pm
I DITTO the first to posters.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 08-29-2004 - 8:29pm

You finish your post by asking "What to do?"


I suggest you do nothing with xMM. As for your friend, her intervention is something I believe you should forgive and keep your friendship with her.


After 20 years it takes a while to heal the loss. However, you will heal and find ways to fill the void.


Had your xMM really valued his relationship with you, he would have found a way to commit fully to you. It's that simple. I was saddened that in your post your xMM made no offer to introduce you to his new GF. That in of itself should be a tip-off to you that he has no need for your full time friendship. Were a real friendship on his mind I'm sure a proper introduction would have been made.


Good luck as you continue your No Contact and move on with your life.


iVillage Member
Registered: 08-10-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 11:05am
I agree with all of the above. Do not contact your XMM to explain, excuse, warn, or soften the blow. Do not contact him. If he contacts you, do not explain, excuse, etc. Refuse to discuss it (or anything).

Forgive your friend; she had good intentions. Though next time you tell her something you want kept confidential, you might want to be clear that you're telling it to her in confidence and you're trusting her to keep it to herself.

Can't stress this enough: DO NOT CONTACT HIM.

Grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:23pm
Gosh- I never expected that kind of response. First I do have alot to lose as I am still married- but separated. If my H found out about the A I could lose my 5 yo D. So no- I did not send the letter. My friend was a person who I use to be very close to and was there the first time when we screwed things up 20 years ago. She went through the whole ordeal with me at that point. I trusted her completely.

This also puts me in a difficult situation because I do not want my X to get mad at me because he may just turn around and tell my H. I feel like I am in a difficult position.

My X was my best friend and in alot of ways still is. I know that is difficult for most of you to believe. I think I needed the NC for a variety of reason- my sanity, his sanity and in some sense I needed for both of us to get on with our lives.

I feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop at this point and hopefully things will not turn out terribly.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:07pm
HI TB

Cut your friend some slack I am sure her heart was in the right place, friends can make mistakes and still be friends.

I expect your XMM will manage to land on his feet, after all this e-mail came from a total stranger he should be able to discredit it with out to much problem, he may be upset at first but you have had a long friendship so it seems unlikely that he will want to do anything that is going to harm your relationship/custody with your son.

Most courts don't even consider affairs in making custody and child support orders anyway.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 10:02am
I for one Thank You tb1004 for clueing us all in on a way to get around it and seeming innocent to our MM in the process : )


Edited 8/31/2004 5:40 pm ET ET by dear_me
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 9:32pm
I feel somewhat frustrated that I have to defend myself here. I cannot change what you think and that is fine. You are entitled to your opinion. I have always tried to do the right thing even when I could have done things that would have been easier for me.

Being recently separated I thought that I should get out more and meet people. So towards this end I went to a party with people from an organization I used to be involved with. I saw my friend there. We use to be close and talked about what had happened in our lives.

I feel like I was finally having some control over my life and my choices and feel frustrated that someone took that away from me. I would still like to be friends with my X at some point when I am better able to handle it. I have been through alot with him over the past 20 years and we have always been close. We have had good times and bad times but always managed to work through it. I still think of him as my best friend and if something ever happened to me I would want to call him.

I do feel bad that he will be blind-sided by this and part of me wants to tell him what happened so at least he can be prepared to deal with it. When you are not prepared you tend to say or do things out of desparation and most of the time that is not good.

Am I mad at him for bailing on us-- yes, but the friendship has always been the most important thing to me. We have grown up together over the years. So I do not want to destroy the friendship. If he asks me if I knew about the letter I feel like I have to tell him yes. He will then be mad that I did not warn him. I guess that is what I am afraid of.

tb

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 9:53pm
HI TB

A peace of advice for what it is worth, Don't defend yourself to this person or anyone else, this is not a debate board and when SOMEONE and that means anyone responds to that type of post it only encourages them to keep saying nasty things because there getting a rise out of people and that is what there looking for.

Lots of people around here know your history with XOM, it is clear that you would not send such an e-mail.

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