FEELING BLUE

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
FEELING BLUE
8
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 6:22pm
well i have not spoken with om since friday. on thursday we communicated through im and i asked him to meet me one more time as friends and he said no. that killed me. i really wanted to see him just as friends.

things with dh have not been working out. i dont have any sexual desire for him. im depressed only thinking of om.

i dont know how to snap out of it. it hurts so much. all i do is cry.

i dont know how to move on, how to get om off my mind.

i feel hurt that he wants to move on and forget about us although i knew this

was the way it was going to be.

please tell me how to get over to get over this pain. how do i move on and put behind the guilt i feel about what i did?

do you ever fall back in love with dh?

please help. thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 6:51pm
Sorry you're struggling. But from what I've gathered from this board the past two days, the struggle has just begun. I've gained a certain sobriety about my situation in reading through all these boards that is helping me refocus. I'm sure just reading all these thoughts will help you to start moving inside, too.

Unfortunately, I have no good counsel on reconnecting with your H...that's my problem at the moment, too. I've had some good suggestions that I plan to try from a couple of other strings. I think it was maybekatie who suggested starting with actions, even if we don't feel them, and soon we may feel them. (But a lot of the success may rest in whether the problems underlying the A can be solved, I suspect.) So I've resolved to try very actively to do kind things, whether or not I feel like it. To email my H, to text him, to hug him...and maybe the feelings will come back.

As far as pushing the obsession out of your head, I'm doing better and better with that (although I'm still quite pitiful). Schedule with girlfriends, talk with others, fill your life with positive experiences to fill the void you're feeling. And try your hardest to keep NC. (I breached it last evening through a text message, and I'm regretting it today.)

Good luck...breathe deeply...and the women here are so fabulous that you can't help but feel a lift!

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 7:01pm
Hi,

Not sure i can offer advice to you but i know exactly how u r feeling.

I so understand the loss of sexual desire for ur husband - jees it's a killer.

My xhubby and i split up 2yrs ago,he drank alot during our marriage and i sought support from xmm.We had an affair -which ended about 25 times but i finally made the break 4mths ago when he went back to his comfort zone,- i decided to give my marriage another go......

My husband and i went for family days out with the kids and lovely meals in top restaurants but the thought of anything sexual happening was imaginable!!!The thought repulsed me so i have just about given up the fight.

For me i have to need a partner,sexually & emotionally.

I will be interested in replies about falling back in love with dh.

Don't feel alone - i'm alot like you....

Take care

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 8:46am
My MM and I ended about 2 weeks ago. He ended it. I would have never been strong enough to nor did I want to. I guess I am ok in that I am attracted to my H but we have been disconnected for a while. H began that process and after a while I just stopped trying. So trying to regain that is hard. It is easier to just be roomates but I also know that is not the kind of life I want. So I am just trying to take baby steps to improve that.

As for obsessing about MM, I am taking baby steps towards that too. I agree with the others that keeping busy helps.It doesn't make it great. Just makes the days go by and maybe keeps your mind off things for a bit. I hate wishing my days away but it is all I can do right now. I am trying to do one thing each day for just me. My MM is on vacation this week so I couldn't contact him if I wanted to. He wants to be friends but I have asked him not to contact me.

Stay strong..I can say after 2 weeks it is better than the first week of crying and feeling sick all the time. It really is a slow process of healing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:09am
well I'm single so I can't offer support where the M is concerned but I can say that the first three months of NC were hell for me... not EVERY day but I did think about him EVERY day - I still think about him every day but it doesn't hurt like it use to! My ONLY suggestion/thought is this... I came to realize it wasn't so much MM I was hurting over as it was the "rejection" - once you put that into perspective it might help you! Learn to separate your hurt of rejection from your hurt over losing OM... Is it a really a lose when it wasn't good for you anyway? When you are now dealing with guilt because you were involved with him? What did he REALLY bring to your life? Can you get it from a good girlfriend? (obviously I'm talking about the emotional/mental support! :) )

Another thing that's really helped me - course this might only work for us single girls who have gone through such things in recent past - think back to break ups in your past... times when you thought the world was just gonna end... albeit these As have a way of feeling like SO much more than anything we've experienced in the past, we can STILL heal! Remember back to that break up that felt like it was killing you and how does it look now? Was that guy such a big deal? Don't ya kinda feel silly how pathetic you acted (not that you are pathetic but you know what i mean! :) ). Do you feel like you've healed over that experience? You can heal over this one too... give yourself time... be good to YOU... and remember... if it was meant to be - it would have been so try to envision a happy future even without OM - IT IS POSSIBLE! :)

God's best to you!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:18am
thanks for all your replys. rejection hurts. especially when you want to atleast

talk to him. that is killing me. not being able to talk to him. to see how he is doing.

sometimes i want to be free. escape. leave dh and start again a new life. i want to find the excitement i found with om in bed when we talked etc

i have 2 kids. dh is a wonderful father & provider. i just dont have the passion.

dont know if i can find again. its hard when i keep thinking about om

is divorce an answer or an escape?

really feeling blue

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 10:26am
From a single OW I have to wonder... if he said he was hurting and sad... what will that change for you? Will you THEN leave your H for him?

I TOO got the phone calls from MM after the A ended asking if I was okay... at first I was like "oh YEAH he wants to get back together" but he didn't - he was just calling to make sure I was okay... that TICKED ME OFF! Don't call me - don't contact me to see if I'm okay - do you think he's sitting a corner crying over you - not able to face daily life? he carries on - not because he doesn't miss you or wonder what could have been but because he HAS too!

I'm not trying to be harsh - I promise - I just want you to see it from the OTHER perspective... let him heal and spend time healing yourself... UNLESS you want to spend the rest of your life with him!?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 12:36pm
Sorry things hurt.

It's difficult to know from this vantage point whether divorce is an answer or escape for you personally. What I can say fairly confidently, however, is that you are in no position to evaluate whether divorce is an answer or escape until you're through the A. That's one of the motivators for me personally. My H and I have had serious problems, but I knew I had to clean out the A before I could really objectively look at my marriage. So that's what I'm doing. I want the A behind me. Then I want to take an honest and focused look at my marriage, and only THEN will I be able to decide what to do.

First things first...get beyond the pain you're experiencing and move beyond the A!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 12:46pm
I feel your pain hon. I'm there, too. My A was emotional, a cyber affair, just email and phone, and it only lasted about 2 months. We just ended it maybe three days ago. One day later, he broke the NC and I responded, like the desperate idiot that I am. It hurts. I wasn't in this nearly as long as some of the other here, and yet it still hurts. Especially since I've just realized that I'm right back to where I was when I sought the A.

My husband is a good man...good father, great provider. Our marriage was never perfect, it started out rocky and frankly, we've been worse off. But now he's working... a lot. Like 60 and 70 hours a week and I honestly think he likes it. He's the type who likes to stay busy. Unfortunately, that "busy" usually doesn't include me, doesn't include "us". Most days I feel like the maid, the housekeeper who washes his shorts and takes cares of his kids. Some days I honestly sit here and wonder if I simply disappeared if he'd even notice. Other than it suddenly got quiet. He goes on business trips a lot, for work, and this month alone he'll be gone for a total of three weeks. He says he misses me, that hates his job, but isn't exactly trying very hard to change the situation. Because he makes very good money. He's got his priorities all screwed up and our relationship is, unfortunately, on the bottom. I've tried everything I know how to reach this man to no avail. I honestly feel more like a roommate (with benefits) to him. And not his life partner.

Anyway, today is, obviously, a very bad day. If MM contacts me, I'm screwed, big time. I have only my resolve, only the knowledge that this is what's right, what's best for me, that I will, eventually, get over this man. I don't even love this man. I just love that "high" he used to give me. Like soreinside told me once, ending it with him made me feel like I was cutting off the only source of comfort and stimulation in my life. The one place I felt attractive, and wanted, and... lord, I could on and on.

And my husband comes tomorrow night from his business trip and I'm not looking forward to it. It's actually easier to deal with the sad shape of our marriage when he's not here.

Take it one hour at a time, hon. I'm writing in a journal (Oprah.com has an online journal that I'm using, just to be safe, so my H doesn't find it). I talk to you all here or even just sit and read the wonderfully inspirational messages. And I keep myself busy...mostly playing with my kids and cleaning my house (my house has never quite been this spotless. lol). And I just plain keep reminding myself that it was more painful to be in the A (cause I wanted so much more). It hurts. A lot. Today I feel like I"m back to square one, like I've just given up a vital piece of myself. But somewhere deep down inside, I hang on to the hope that with each passing day, it will get better, easier.

~Lonely