i could really use some feedback
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| Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:36am |
I wrote last night, but maybe I wasn't so clear. I have read many of the posts on here and I see you all know so much about the difficulty of ending an affair. I would really like to hear what you all think my next move should be.
I'll try to be brief: basically, it seems MM is willing to be my email buddy, and once in a while will call me if I ask him to. When we talk and chat, he seems pretty happy to be talking to me. But he has made it clear that he's not going to come see me in person, supposedly because he knows it will get out of control (sexually) and he doesn't want it to go that far. Yet he wants to kiss me and is physically attracted to me.
So it seems like with me, he could take it or leave it, and it wouldn't make a heck of a difference. But for me, I am constantly thinking about him. It's affecting my marriage and mothering. When we have a good day of emailing, I'm happy. If he simply doesn't respond because he gets busy or forgets(??), then I'm not happy.
The thing that I obsess about mainly, is the big question mark over our relationship: what does he feel for me?? Does he think about me all the time, or just once in a while, or maybe not at all unless he sees an email from me and then responds?
If we could have a mild affair (talk on the phone a few times a month, and see each other every few months) that would work for me. He's kinda not committing to that. He's kinda avoiding the subject. And because I am in this relationship limbo, of not knowing what it's all about for him, that's why I think I need to end it. But I know if he would just speak affectionate words to me, if he would say he does care about me and miss me when we're not in touch-- then it would be all worth it for me.
So my question is, how do I handle this: do I not even ask him how he truly feels and just end it?
or do I first try to pry out of him what it is he wants from our relationship, and where he could see it going.
problem is, i am afraid that if i try to pry it out of him he will just back off and i will have more questions, and desire him even more.
Please help out, what do you all think i should do?

STOP e-mailing or contacting him if he is interested enough he will chase you.
It sounds like he just enjoys knowing that he has you on the hook and having a follow affair with you is not worth the risks involved.
Why are you doing this, putting your family at risk for something that clearly does not work.
Free
And as you stop, things slowly will get better for you. If you stop, over time, the panic in your body when he fails to respond will die down. If you stop, the noise in your head with questions about his feelings for you will diminish. If you stop, you will have emotional space and energy to turn toward the family that deserves your energy, attention and affection. MUCH easier said than done, but since you've found the board, I'd guess that these realities will eventually find their way through your heart and mind. And then it will be a matter of reconditioning, persistence and patience.
Reject the notion of an "affair light" ... it's a trick the mind and body play on those of us possessed by the strong chemistry of an A.
You'll be ok!
But honey, as many women on this board can tell you, there is no such thing as a "light" affair. When I sought one out, that's what I thought I wanted. I was lonely and all I wanted was that attention (heck, I even told MM that--it was what initially...."connected" us, for lack of a better word at the moment). It was just like you--email and chat and talking on the phone occassionally, and for the first month, I got what I thought I'd wanted. MM lavished the attention on me that my husband wasn't and he me feel terrific (I haven't felt that good about myself in YEARS).
But things snowballed VERY quickly. Part of the reason (and I say "part" because there were so many factors involved) I ended it was because I knew that if I didn't, I was going to fall in love with this man. It no longer mattered whether or not I could ask him how he felt about me/us....and quickly became about the fact that I was getting way in over my head. It's called an emotional affair, and someone told me once that those are often the hardest, because it's NOT physical, it's a connection of the head and heart. And no matter how hard I tried not to let it, my heart was slowly becoming invested in it.
But I have to be honest here--don't push him. That only works in driving a man in the opposite direction. But more to the point, I think if you're asking and he's distinctly avoiding answering you, then you HAVE your answer. Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt your feelings or make you angry by actually saying it.
As for how hard it is to end it--soreinside said it way better than I can. But I've been there, still am there. It's getting easier, each day the panicky "I have to talk to him NOW" feeling lessens. Somewhere on this board I mentioned this, but I see MM as my drug of choice. I am addicted to the "high" I used to get when I talked to him. Some people drink, some people take drugs....I have MM. And now I'm going through the withdrawals.
It will get easier. For the first three days, I read this board and posted and wrote in a journal excessively. lol But aside from talking it out, from asking for help, what also helped me...was to completely cut myself off from him. I deleted all his emails and deleted his address from my "address book" (I was lucky, he had a funky address that I could never quite recall where the "underscore" went--my memory ain't so great with stuff like that. lol).
But I'm getting to a better place, it's getting easier. I'm able to realize that it was misplaced emotion. MM was my avoidance tactic. Now I'm trying to figure out how I can work on my marriage, so I can stop this from happening again. That includes recognizing my part in it and trying to myself to a better place.
Hang in there hon and keep posting. There are friends here. HUGS to you.
~Lonely
I was exactly where you are for 3 years, and now 9 months later, I'm still struggling. I thought I would be safe too, West Coast/East Coast. I found him online one night, quite by accident. My daughter told me I should learn to use the computer, because she was going away to college and we could keep in touch. Until that time I had no interest. So one night I started playing with the computer; I had heard of chat rooms and I went inside and started watching the screen. I found it fascinating, just watching some of the conversations. I was a bit intimadated by the experience at first and then this M asked me a question and the rest is history.
I decided I could have this friend to chat with and flirt with and we would have distance to keep apart so nothing could possibly happen...and guess what? It did. "How unbelieveable", I thought at the time, this MM actually lived in the same town where my daughter was attending college and the rest is history. We met after months of talking, online and phone, and it was magic. We actually met 4 different times; he scheduled a vacation on the West Coast and came out two days early so we could be together, and I managed to lie and be with him. I'd like to say that it was a disaster, but it wasn't. We did fall in love and now I can't even go near the places we shared because the pain is more than I can bear.
As I sit here typing to you, I hurt because I know I am not the W my H deserves. Thoughts of the OM are never too far away, so I struggle on a daily basis, telling myself that this is the pain I deserve for the betrayal I inflicted on my H.
Don't put yourself in this position. People will tell you that time will heal the pain, but quite honestly, I'm not sure my heart will ever be whole again. I left a piece of it with the OM and I'm fighting everyday, to get it back again. The guilt that I feel now far outweighs the happiness this OM brought to me once upon a time, because it never ends happily ever after.