If it's meant to be - Setting OM free...
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If it's meant to be - Setting OM free...
| Sat, 09-04-2004 - 12:20pm |
It's been a couple of weeks since I posted and i really would appreciate any advice or input. My A with OM ended 2 months ago when his GF found out, she took him back. We continued to talk on the phone, we both agreed we still had feelings for each other. First said we would just keep it physical but that is not possible when we don't see each toher. And since we only talk on the phone, it started to continue the EA. I'm am married and although OM isn't married, him and GF have been together for 15 years. This past weekend we slept together for the 1st time in 2 months --- it was wonderful but afterwards it left us both with a lot of confusion. Him more so than me. He says he wants to work it out with her but can't focus on that b/c he can't get me out of his mind. By the way, my H doesn't know!!! He said he thinks about me all the time but he's afraid if he left he'd think of her all the time.
I'm sorry I'm rambling --- I don't want me to be the reason he leaves. If they can work it out, then I want whats best for him. I told him that he can't truly give it 100% if he still talks to me. I told him the other day when we made love, I didn't like the look of guilt and confusion on his face. He doesn't know if they will be able to work it out or if they've grown too far apart. I told him that I would not contact him in any way b/c I didn't want to interfere. He said he has to find out for himself if there can be a future for them and I do realize that he can't do that if his mind is clouded with thoughts of me.
We haven't talked in 2 days. I am going to be strong and not call him even though I want to, and i know he wants me to call b/c he said he still wanted to talk. But the confusion will not stop if we still talk. I am truly only doing this for him to give him some space to clear his head. He knows I will not call so if we talk again it'll be b/c he calls. By the way, our coversation was pleasant, it did not end on bad terms. He didn't want to say "goodbye" so we agreed to say "later."
Did I do the right thing by giving him his space? I mean, a # of things could happen. This time away from me could make him realize how much he misses me OR I could be out of sight out of mind and he could totally forget about me and realize that GF is the one he wants and never wants to talk to me again. And truthfully, I don't know what I want either. But I wonder if he'll ever call. I did tell him take as much time as he needed but when he knows 100% either way he'd tell me. I made it clear that I wasn't putting my life on hold. I'm taking this time to do the same thing --- to see if my marriage is worth fighting for.
Has anyone ever set someone free even though neither wanted to but someone had to be the bigger person. I think him being away from me will definitely make him realize something, but what, scares me a little!!!
THOUGHTS, OPINIONS????
I'm sorry I'm rambling --- I don't want me to be the reason he leaves. If they can work it out, then I want whats best for him. I told him that he can't truly give it 100% if he still talks to me. I told him the other day when we made love, I didn't like the look of guilt and confusion on his face. He doesn't know if they will be able to work it out or if they've grown too far apart. I told him that I would not contact him in any way b/c I didn't want to interfere. He said he has to find out for himself if there can be a future for them and I do realize that he can't do that if his mind is clouded with thoughts of me.
We haven't talked in 2 days. I am going to be strong and not call him even though I want to, and i know he wants me to call b/c he said he still wanted to talk. But the confusion will not stop if we still talk. I am truly only doing this for him to give him some space to clear his head. He knows I will not call so if we talk again it'll be b/c he calls. By the way, our coversation was pleasant, it did not end on bad terms. He didn't want to say "goodbye" so we agreed to say "later."
Did I do the right thing by giving him his space? I mean, a # of things could happen. This time away from me could make him realize how much he misses me OR I could be out of sight out of mind and he could totally forget about me and realize that GF is the one he wants and never wants to talk to me again. And truthfully, I don't know what I want either. But I wonder if he'll ever call. I did tell him take as much time as he needed but when he knows 100% either way he'd tell me. I made it clear that I wasn't putting my life on hold. I'm taking this time to do the same thing --- to see if my marriage is worth fighting for.
Has anyone ever set someone free even though neither wanted to but someone had to be the bigger person. I think him being away from me will definitely make him realize something, but what, scares me a little!!!
THOUGHTS, OPINIONS????

I sometimes wonder what our society would be like if we structured marriage differently. There is this giant wedding the first time we say, I do. Then there is this forever contract. I wish it was a 5 year contract so we felt we had the power and choice to change together/ to recommit and not feel trapped. Then if a husband/wife cannot meet the contract they can decide to split or make the changes/ work on issues in order to renew their contract - I know this may not actually work in reality but it seems as if so many of us actually enjoy certain parts about having a husband/wife and also another person. I think it is because we put so much weight on a marriage it can be debilitating and we are not as worried about having to impress our significant other because the contract is for a life time so we ride. I know one of my strategies is going to be to try to make my husband happier, to make him feel wonderful.
Your boyfriend/OM has the power to choose as he is not locked into a marital contract but if he has been dating his GF for 15 years they may share a lot at this point - real estate, bills, etc. In my opinion, he'll call you again. I know your separation hurts. Take time to see for yourself if you have the strength to make your marriage more passionate and alive again. I guess that is why there is a song titled, breaking up is hard to do :-) -Good luck-