i confessed to my husband

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
i confessed to my husband
7
Sat, 09-04-2004 - 10:25pm
i told my husband about my affair and im scared and i dont know what to do. he says he wont leave but i wish i could take it back. i hurt him more than i could ever imagine. and for nothing, i can see that only now. i had an affair for nearly five years and i can say it wasnt worth it. my husband always suspected and he would ask and i always lied so much. he's asking som any questions now and im scared to tell him more. he wants details and i cant tell him how long it went on. he wants me to call the OM tomorrow and i dont want to. he wants to listen in and i am so upset im shaking. i need to talk to someone. i was drawn to my OM because i needed someone. now i have cut him out of my life and i feel like i have no one. my husband is trying to cope and i cant expect him to support me. i need to talk
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2004
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 1:30am
Wow. You must be frightened, lonely and entirely confused right now. Probably the first thing you must be trying to do is to regain balance in your body from all of the panic chemicals. Breathe. Exercise if you can. Be kind to yourself (which I know is hard right now).

My first affair was about 10 years ago (I've just ended my second). At that time, I did tell my then husband. And I remember four months before we separated of watching him in total agony...he'd have moments of anger and pain, and there was nothing I could really do to soothe but to listen and be as kind as I could. From what I understand, it's very important to the betrayed spouse to hear the details and, now that it's out, your disclosure of details may be a way to bridge back to trust. I can imagine that full disclosure makes you feel like you're giving up the OM...but then, I guess you must have made that decision before you told your H. So now, it seems, it's up to you to give everything you have to your marriage...whatever that may be. If it's listening he needs, listen. If it's information he needs, provide it. If it's a hug he needs, hug him. If he needs space, give him space. Just try to ask what he needs and respond. But if it ever crosses the border into emotional or physical abuse to you in return for your honesty, make sure you make your boundary clear on that point.

It will be ok, one way or another, and you'll get through it. There will be days, weeks and months where you don't think it's getting any better or going any where. Just make sure you approach him as kindly as you can, and get through it in a way that leaves no further regret.

Hugs....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 11:49am
thank you for talking to me. it got bad last night. i was pacing around waiting for him to come home. when i was online last night, my OM responded a "what happened" to my letter from yesterday morning telling him that my husband knew and he knew it was him.i also told him to please know that i really did love him. it was 5 years, he was my bestfriend and my lover. he's married 12 years now with three children. i am married for almost 8 with two children. anything i go through, he has been there for me. i was not getting what i needed from my husband so i turned to this other man. i know its not an excuse and i had no right to go to another woman's husband in the first place. but it just happened, which also sounds stupid but before i knew it, i was in so deep. i instant messaged him last night and he asked how my husband found out. i said that i told him and he asked if i was crazy. then he asked if i told him about the sex and i said yes. he asked if he wanted to speak with him and i said no. i told him i oulld be calling today and just to listen to me and hang up and it would be over. he just said please dont call. i dont understand how i could have devoted 5 years of my life to this affair and it all just went up in smoke in a matter of seconds. i wont tell my husband i love this man or even cared for him. im trying to be honest but i dont want to hurt him even more. i dont even know if i want things to work but i need to at least give us a fair chance. he knows the truth about what happened now so it is his choice to stay or go. i must be selfish, i know i am or i wouldnt have had the affair in the first place. but he always knew and he constantly asked me and i just lied over and over. im even lying now by telling him it was only a year and a half and that we didnt have sex very much. he's asking me how many times, how did we do it, how i liked it, i dont know what to say. he is asking if my OM is better than him. all his questions seem to be about the sex when that's not even the reason why i was with OM. for me it was more of an emotional affair, i gave OM the sex in order to get what i needed. i feel so horrible about myself and everything ive done. my husband asked if OM ever made me have an orgasm and i said yes, he flipped out, throwing things, waking up the kids at 2 am. i got the kids and was running out the door and he told them that i was a tramp and that the reason their daddy wouldnt be around anymore is because mommy is with someone else, he even said the OM's name and my kids know him. they are only 5 and 7. i think he crossed the line, they are too young to be involved in this. i am a good mother, im just not a good wife. and im not looking to blame him or anyone else but he wasnt a good husband. i felt lonely and not so great about myself and OM was my shoulder to cry on. i also belive OM took advantage of my vulnerability but in the end, the decision was mine to make. i truly belived he cared about me as well. i need him now, thats why im on these board again. i used to post a few years ago on and off. i need my husband but he needs space. he flips out then he wants to have sex. i dont understand but im trying to be supportive even though i dont want to have sex, i do. he'll say he hates me and he doesnt think it'll work. it makes it worse since he knows the other man. then he'll say he loves me more than he ever did. i have been reading a lot of stuff online. i am hoping we can build a new relationship. he even mentioned that we should get married again so we can start a new marriage. he is a good person and doesnt deserve what i did to him, no one does. i'll probably be hanging around this board for a while now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 09-05-2004 - 10:02pm
Meg

Men are visual creatures by nature that is way your husband is asking about the sex, you can bet he is seeing you with the OM over and oc=ver again when he is awake and in his nightmares.

Men often express intense pain as rage, what your husband is doing is normal for a betrayed husband.

The best you can do now it to be totally truthfull hold back nothing and above all no more lieing, if he finds out 2 - 3 months from now something you held back or lied about it will be like a fresh betrayal to him.

Be prepared to answer the same questions over and over again as often as he wants to ask or needs to here the answers.

Your no longer in control of the situation so you cannot stop information from coming to him from OM or his wife so it is better that he heres it all from you not someone else.

Above all things be very very very PATIENT, recover from this sort of thing when it happens takes 3 to 5 years.

Best of luck to you.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 6:54am
Megrum, you need to tell your husband that you'll tell him everything he needs to hear, but in a SAFE place, AWAY from your children.
**Maggie**
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 1:07pm

Meg, I posted to you on the other board as well.

Love
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2003
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 3:55pm
i have posted today on the all sides board but thank you all for your advice. i think i will be here for a while. i have not had any contact with OM but its killing me. im feeling so scared and lonely and nervous. i cant tell him everything yet but i will try. im going to try from now on. thank you
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 9:44am
First of all, hugs to you. I can only imagine what you are going through.

I bought the book 'not just friends'. It has helped me to understand affairs. It may help you too. It does say that you need to tell them everything they want to know. If you lie again then they will never be able to trust you.

All the best to you.