getting the MALE point of view on affair

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
getting the MALE point of view on affair
21
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:41pm
who amongst us would LOVE to hear what the MM has to say about being in an affair??? his point of view,? his complaints? his hurts? his reasons why?? I for one, have heard my own MM give me his views on why he wanted to stop it. "tired of the ups and downs, tired of the fighting, tired of trying to please me, tired of the pressure from his wife AND me, tired of things not going anywhere, trying to get over the whole thing" "becoming too dependent on me" " loving me, but just cant leave the wife"...lol...: but my MM was and is a jerk, so I would love to hear from other men?? come on ladies, how do we get the MEN to say what they really really feel? and think? Might give us some real insight? to help us let go as easily as they do!!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 8:03pm
Well how about the view of a MW who was seeing a SM?

What is it you want to know?

That even though I fantasized about leaving my M I knew in my heart I never would.

That I (perhaps subconciously) chose to have a relationship with someone who would not be a threat to my M. (what I mean here is, not someone I would want to marry)

That I tried to tell my OM that ^ but he would not/could not hear me.

That I realized that my OM had commitment issues, so he chose a SAFE relationship too, I was unavailable.

That fantasy was great, but when the A was more like work I realized if I was going to do that, I should do it at home.

That all the fighting and ups and downs had to do with attempting to hold onto what we had back in the beginning, and that suddenly I got smart and realized that wasn't realistic at all.

That OM/OW demand the same things your spouse does, only it is impossible to please both.

That life with another person would end up the same as the person you are with, so you might as well buckle down and deal with it.

Someday

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Mon, 09-06-2004 - 9:33pm
My A was a situation where ex oM was M and I was M also. WE had great affection for one another, but there was never aquestion of ending our marriages. From what I have seen and read from other people posting, many times, the MM or OM refuses to even acknowledge that they are in an A. I mean, they do not want to call it that. I know that mine didn't. We would sometimes find articles in magazines describing A's that sounded just like our situation, but he would never say that what was happening between us was an A. Not sure what he would have called it, maybe I don't really want to know. LOL!

I have even heard of some situations where the guy does not even say that he loves the OW. Mine did say it a few times, and I think he meant it in his own way, but it seems as if these OMs are afraid if they put a definite label to their A relationships, it makes it more of a commitment for them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:11pm
Well being a MM who ended an affair 2 months ago, I'll put myself on the chopping block. I was in it for the sex because that is what was missing in my relationship. I mean I could have pressured my wife more, but truth is during that time we were fighting constantly and nobody wants to make love to a nag. It's a turnoff to be nagged at. When the wife does little for keeping up appearances, that also can be a turnoff. To me it's saying, "Well I have you now, so I don't have to try to look pretty for ya anymore. Deal with it." Yeah that was my story and what drove me to look else where for the lack of needs. The emotional part does tend to scare us, because to admit we love the OW means we don't care at all about our wives. Truth is most of us do, but if we don't get what we need at home, we look elsewhere. Same can be said about women, but it's more emotional for you if I'm not mistaken.

That brings the vicious cycle: Men look for sex. women look for attention. But when discovered, women get mad at the cheating H for the emational part, not so much the sex. Men get mad at the cheating W for the sex, not so much the emotional.

Don't know if I helped or confused the issue more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 1:28pm
well, it was GREAT to hear from a man. I agree, the MM does get into it for the sex, but my MM did fall emotionally for me. He said he loved me, he was going to leave his wife, but chickened out, now hes mad at me for being in his life, and I assume more unhappy with himself than anything. He got very attached emotionally to me, he never never wanted to leave and it was not all about sex, he said we made a great connection, liked riding his bike with him, which he enjoyed, he said over and over it was my company, but then it got to be too much, you're right, trying to please ME and keep HER from finding out, was and is too much for any man. SO my motto now is to stick to the single men who can be just as big of a jerk as the married man, but at least, it doesnt hurt as much. Why do we fall for the married man quicker>? I think it has to do with lack of committment on OUR parts too...its easy...but there is never any future and it does dwindle , and more fights happen and then its like, why the heck are we doing this?? if I wanted to fight, I would just fight with the wife...lol........but thank you so much for your input...and your screen name screams FEMALE!!! lol.....thanks again, Gem...
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:24pm
Why do we fall for the married man quicker>?

Because we all want things we can't have.

I think it has to do with lack of committment on OUR parts too...

My OW like the married because we didn't ask for a committment. (We started the A when she was in a LTR).

if I wanted to fight, I would just fight with the wife...lol......

One of the motivating factors for ending it.

and your screen name screams FEMALE!!! lol.....

What part of it screams female? I've been called a babe and I have blue eyes. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:41pm
well, I apologize for the FEMALE remark....I am sure you are a babe, I've called a man that before too, but not to his face......and yea, thats what prompted the ending of my affair, is the bickering, and the ups and downs, but he didnt realize, how inconsistant HE was ..one minute, I'm coming over, the next minute, I cant....do you see why it drives single women out of their minds, the only true relationships are ones based on honesty, integrity, dignity, caring and respect......all those things are missing in an affair...would u agree???

Gem PS I have blue eyes too and have been called a babe also....lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-26-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 5:13pm
Don't sweat the female remark. At least it maintains some animinity anyway. ;-) I can see where a single woman would go nuts with the inconsistancy. Also in an A you can never, no matter how hard you try have COMPLETE honesty, integrity, dignity, caring, and respect. Believe me I have tried, and I always came up short somewhere.

PS I'm sure you have been called a babe too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 8:07pm
funny you should use those words "always came up short" that is exactly the phrase my XMM would use, trying to please me, he always said, " too little , too late" and "always comes up short " in trying to please me..........ie: there is no pleasing me......LOL even single men have a hard time...I was married for 20 yrs to a man who treated me very well, I ended the marriage due to him finding out about an affair albeit a very short lived one. and I decided that I didnt want to stay married for another 20 yrs to someone where all the passion and intensity was gone. I got married at 19, and he was super mad, not at the affair, but that i didnt want to stay. I did NOT leave for the other man either, I left for myself. THAT MM finally left his marriage just a few years ago, for someone else, OR he was caught, but it wasnt with me.

This most recent stupid thing I did was a 10 month affair, where this guy made me feel like gold, in and out of the bedroom. He always called it lovemaking and respected me, and seriously talked about us being together, but he admitted to being a coward and had no guts to end his lousy marriage. I know I know, I only got his side, and to tell you the truth, now that I 've seen his hot headedness, I somehow feel more sorry for his wife then him . I think of us breaking up as HIS loss....and I have enough single men that I date to cushion the blow. when I think about it, I really wouldnt have wanted him, our tempers we would have killed each other and he had traits about him that I found not very nice..(sort of bigoted) but i put up with them, cause I loved being with him. sooooooooo onward and upward.......but never never again married. I am hit on by married men all the time, and I just say " ahhh,when your wife gives approval to see and date me, let me know" that usually shuts them up and they move on to some unsuspecting victim...lol

I hope you have learned your lesson and are working towards making things work, see, I choose to end my marriage the correct way, rather than keep hurting the man I married, he didnt deserve it..........and yea, I am a babe......LOL......ok, well', i'm 45 but still a babe....you can always check out my profile on my aol account

Triciae2004 @ aol.com...........good luck to you and thanks for the posts.......now if we could get more men AND by the way, why are you on this site??? usually, its women who vent, men tend to not really care at all.........ouch..I think I just got bit by a flea..??? my daughter had her cat here a few weeks ago, and I think she left fleas in my place........UGH...want a first born????

Tricia
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 8:45pm

Hello Geminie.


If you look back in the archives, you'll find that I've answered most of your questions from a MM point of view.


Use the search function with "cl" or cl-noregretsever" or "noregretsever"


What I felt while participating in affairs for 17 years is significantly different from where I am today. I thought I was different. I thought I wasn't a fence sitting cake eater lying to myself and my affair partners because I only had long term relationships.


Wrong!


As you read my old postsm you;ll find that ultimately I ended my marriage for reasons beyond my affair partner. At present I am married to my last affair partner, although at the time I ended my marriage there was no guarantee that xMW would be waiting for me......


As to how to get the men on this board to say what they "really" feel, I think that if a man goes to the effort of finding a support board on a women-oriented website that he will be willing to share his "real" opinions because he's looking for help too. I've been here now for almost 2 years and the few men that have passed through have mostly posted forthrightly.


cl-nre


P.S. As to insight on letting go, I can't speak for anyone else, however, my advice applies to women or men. Namely, when you are ready to accept nothing less than a 24/7 commitment to a relationship from your partner rather than a part-time relationship built on lying, then your participation and association with an affair will cease and you won't look back with an intent to continue living or accepting a half-time relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2004
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 8:50pm
Did you say you are currently married to your A partner? If that is the case, would you mind sharing that experience? What I want to know is just how difficult a road was it? I am currently separated and so is MM. He and I are hoping to have a future together and it would mean so much to me to hear that it actually has a chance. Thanks in advance for any insight.

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