getting the MALE point of view on affair
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getting the MALE point of view on affair
| Mon, 09-06-2004 - 7:41pm |
who amongst us would LOVE to hear what the MM has to say about being in an affair??? his point of view,? his complaints? his hurts? his reasons why?? I for one, have heard my own MM give me his views on why he wanted to stop it. "tired of the ups and downs, tired of the fighting, tired of trying to please me, tired of the pressure from his wife AND me, tired of things not going anywhere, trying to get over the whole thing" "becoming too dependent on me" " loving me, but just cant leave the wife"...lol...: but my MM was and is a jerk, so I would love to hear from other men?? come on ladies, how do we get the MEN to say what they really really feel? and think? Might give us some real insight? to help us let go as easily as they do!!!

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What is it you want to know?
That even though I fantasized about leaving my M I knew in my heart I never would.
That I (perhaps subconciously) chose to have a relationship with someone who would not be a threat to my M. (what I mean here is, not someone I would want to marry)
That I tried to tell my OM that ^ but he would not/could not hear me.
That I realized that my OM had commitment issues, so he chose a SAFE relationship too, I was unavailable.
That fantasy was great, but when the A was more like work I realized if I was going to do that, I should do it at home.
That all the fighting and ups and downs had to do with attempting to hold onto what we had back in the beginning, and that suddenly I got smart and realized that wasn't realistic at all.
That OM/OW demand the same things your spouse does, only it is impossible to please both.
That life with another person would end up the same as the person you are with, so you might as well buckle down and deal with it.
Someday
I have even heard of some situations where the guy does not even say that he loves the OW. Mine did say it a few times, and I think he meant it in his own way, but it seems as if these OMs are afraid if they put a definite label to their A relationships, it makes it more of a commitment for them.
That brings the vicious cycle: Men look for sex. women look for attention. But when discovered, women get mad at the cheating H for the emational part, not so much the sex. Men get mad at the cheating W for the sex, not so much the emotional.
Don't know if I helped or confused the issue more.
Because we all want things we can't have.
I think it has to do with lack of committment on OUR parts too...
My OW like the married because we didn't ask for a committment. (We started the A when she was in a LTR).
if I wanted to fight, I would just fight with the wife...lol......
One of the motivating factors for ending it.
and your screen name screams FEMALE!!! lol.....
What part of it screams female? I've been called a babe and I have blue eyes. :-)
Gem PS I have blue eyes too and have been called a babe also....lol
PS I'm sure you have been called a babe too.
This most recent stupid thing I did was a 10 month affair, where this guy made me feel like gold, in and out of the bedroom. He always called it lovemaking and respected me, and seriously talked about us being together, but he admitted to being a coward and had no guts to end his lousy marriage. I know I know, I only got his side, and to tell you the truth, now that I 've seen his hot headedness, I somehow feel more sorry for his wife then him . I think of us breaking up as HIS loss....and I have enough single men that I date to cushion the blow. when I think about it, I really wouldnt have wanted him, our tempers we would have killed each other and he had traits about him that I found not very nice..(sort of bigoted) but i put up with them, cause I loved being with him. sooooooooo onward and upward.......but never never again married. I am hit on by married men all the time, and I just say " ahhh,when your wife gives approval to see and date me, let me know" that usually shuts them up and they move on to some unsuspecting victim...lol
I hope you have learned your lesson and are working towards making things work, see, I choose to end my marriage the correct way, rather than keep hurting the man I married, he didnt deserve it..........and yea, I am a babe......LOL......ok, well', i'm 45 but still a babe....you can always check out my profile on my aol account
Triciae2004 @ aol.com...........good luck to you and thanks for the posts.......now if we could get more men AND by the way, why are you on this site??? usually, its women who vent, men tend to not really care at all.........ouch..I think I just got bit by a flea..??? my daughter had her cat here a few weeks ago, and I think she left fleas in my place........UGH...want a first born????
Tricia
Hello Geminie.
If you look back in the archives, you'll find that I've answered most of your questions from a MM point of view.
Use the search function with "cl" or cl-noregretsever" or "noregretsever"
What I felt while participating in affairs for 17 years is significantly different from where I am today. I thought I was different. I thought I wasn't a fence sitting cake eater lying to myself and my affair partners because I only had long term relationships.
Wrong!
As you read my old postsm you;ll find that ultimately I ended my marriage for reasons beyond my affair partner. At present I am married to my last affair partner, although at the time I ended my marriage there was no guarantee that xMW would be waiting for me......
As to how to get the men on this board to say what they "really" feel, I think that if a man goes to the effort of finding a support board on a women-oriented website that he will be willing to share his "real" opinions because he's looking for help too. I've been here now for almost 2 years and the few men that have passed through have mostly posted forthrightly.
cl-nre
P.S. As to insight on letting go, I can't speak for anyone else, however, my advice applies to women or men. Namely, when you are ready to accept nothing less than a 24/7 commitment to a relationship from your partner rather than a part-time relationship built on lying, then your participation and association with an affair will cease and you won't look back with an intent to continue living or accepting a half-time relationship.
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