"Need Intervention" Follow Up...Help!

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Registered: 06-28-2004
"Need Intervention" Follow Up...Help!
6
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 4:51pm
Hi Everybody,

I posted a couple of weeks ago needing an intervention. Well, you all helped me SO much and it worked...for a while. Sadly I gave in a little bit over the weekend. I had been SO strong and feeling great. Then some extreme circumstances kept us both at work overnight (VERY rare) and had also both been included in a mutual friend's "happy hour" and had a few drinks. Well, needless to say we ended up making out in his office and it was incredible. (We have never had intercourse and "love" has never been an option for us. Friends with benefits.) We decided that we wanted to, at some point, experience sex together when we had a chance. He was so sweet, and it was a real high. We had an awesome few hours together. Then, as usual (and WHY don't we learn?) I didn't like the fact that he wasn't all gushy and didn't email me every 5 minutes, so I got bent out of shape. He emailed this morning (early) saying that he was so sorry he didn't see me yesterday and that didn't want me to think he was blowing me off. SO since I can't leave well enough alone, I replied "No surprise. I know how you operate." He reponded with a kind of a "let's not go there" email and I told him we needed to talk. This is the hurtful part...even though I know he's right...

He almost immediately said that I seemed to want something seriously emotional from him and that maybe we REALLY needed to end this for good, since apparently he can't give me what I need. I told him it wasn't about needing something emotional from him, but I do not appreciate him being so sweet and chatty BEFORE we hook up, and then back to business after. I REALIZE THAT I MUST SOUND LIKE SUCH AN IDIOT! But it's not all bad. We really do click, definately sexually. And even though I love my husband so much, we do have some issues that are leaving me craving that kind of attention. We're working on them, but as much as I hate that I feel this way, I feel like I'm missing out on something when OM and I are more "off" than "on", and I am SO HAPPY and SO ALIVE when we are having our chats (infrequent as they are) or alluding to "getting together." So when I had this talk with him today it broke my heart. He told me that we are friends, and he can promise that, with a sexual connection. But that's all. I completely realized that's what I was getting into, and I'm not looking to fall in love here, but I can't figure out why his approval or desire is so important to me and completely affects my moods. I kept telling myself that I would end in control and on top. That as long as I am the one who walks away I'll be ok. I am awful with rejection. We had a pretty decent chat after that and basically agreed that IF we were to get involved again (we've been off and on for months...he ALWAYS, every single time...starts it up again, so I am sure it will start up one day. Unless I really freaked him out this time) but IF it ever happens again, he won't send mixed signals and I won't freak out.

I just feel awful. I should have left well enough alone. Why can't I? Why do I want his attention? I loved the post about these A's not having a real beginning or ending so it's hard to deal with something not "real". Especially when you can't openly talk about why you are so upset because it's a secret. That is so true. And I know it is an addiction. FOR SURE!

Any advice on dealing with this would be so appreciated.

Thank you all for being here. Reading your posts makes me realize that I am not alone and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 09-07-2004 - 8:31pm
lilyann7

You may want to consider getting into individual counceling to help figure yourself out.

In case you do not get it this guys only interested in having access to your body when he wants to get his rocks off there is ZERO friendship her he is using you and your using him, this may sound harsh but it is I think the truth.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 12:34pm
Thanks, Free, for being so honest.

I appreciate your reply very much. I didn't post to be told what I want to hear. I'm on this board to gain strength and knowlege from people in the same situation being honest and sharing what they've learned. Hopefully soon I'll be at the point that I can give more advice than I receive!

:) Hugs.
Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 1:24pm
Hi Lilyann! My advice to you would be to just end it now before it gets way out of hand. Good luck!


Edited 2/15/2005 6:14 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 2:31pm
That's the difference between men and women, honey...or so I'm learning...go up and read the thread about getting the male perspective. A couple of men have posted on there about how they see an A. I've also read somewhere today that a woman will tell herself she only wants the sex, and that she'll stay on top and in control, but in truth, often finds herself doing the exact opposite. Which is where I think you are. It doesn't mean he's a bad guy. He's just more in control than we can be. Cause that's honestly why I ended my A...cause I realized that my control was slipping and if I *didn't* get out there was a very real possibility that I might end up thinking I was falling in love with this guy.

As for why you feel you need his approval--think about what's wrong with your marriage, what's missing in it that sent you to seek out an A to begin with. I'll bet that you'll find your answer there. I found it was merely a shift for me, feeling helpless with my H and putting my hopes and expectations onto someone else. Or to put it simply: avoiding what was really wrong.

As for what to do--cut yourself off completely and commit yourself to staying out of the A. Yeah, I have down moments, and in the beginning, they were VERY hard...as in a physical reaction...I'd sit here with this panicky feeling and shake then get up and pace the floor and bite my nails. It was awful. It's a chemical addiction, an addiction to the "high" you feel/felt when you're with him (look around the board...soreinside and a few others have posted about it--in fact, look for a post of mine titled something like, "Am I going nuts?" lol). And every day it will get easier, and the acutal "addiction" will wear off, and the NC will get easier to deal with. Then it's a matter of reconditioning yourself. Find other ways to deal with things, and come up with coping stretegies. I wrote in a journal (Oprah.com has an online journal if you want one that can't be found), wrote to a friend I found on this board, and when it got really bad, I forced myself to get out of the house with my kids. In other words, keep busy.

Hang in there, hon! You are doing the right thing for YOU and we're always here for you!


Edited 9/8/2004 2:38 pm ET ET by lonelyhousewife2000

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:24pm
HUGS HUGS HUGS to you, Iris and Lonely!

Thank you so much for your thoughful responses. I really do appreciate you both taking the time to help me and share your perspectives with me. It has been so hard being so depressed and not being able to tell my husband, parents, or co-workers what is wrong. I feel so isolated and misunderstood. Reading your posts was the first time in a couple of days that the sickening, sinking feeling went away. I feel so much better having been understood and not being judged. Also, although I can confide in my best friend, she just thinks that he is a huge jerk (and yes, i realize he is selfish) and that's the bottom line. It really helped to hear your understanding that it's more the difference between men and women and our patterns of thinking. It makes me feel a little less silly and a little more human. Also, I see him a little more humanly now.

Just wanted to say thank you and let you know how much you have helped me.

Let me know if you have any more thoughts!

Take good care and I hope things are going well with EVERYONE here who is struggling and hurting.

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:29pm
HI Lily

Most marriages have problems of one sort or another that is a simple fact that most married people will agree with.

The question is way do some people seek to medicate the problem by having an affair and others do not, they may force the issue by various means so there spouse has to face up to the proplems or get divorce or just decide that the marriage is worth living with the problems.

Two marriages may have similer problems but one spuse ends up in a affair the others do not, that says something about the spouse in the affair, maybe how they have learned to deal with problems from there Mother or father.

Affairs may have there basis in marriage problems but it is what is in us that makes us decide to medicate the problem by having a affair, we may never be able to fix the marriage but we can fix us and learn better ways to address our problems, ways that are less self-destructive and destructive to our loved ones.

I have to disagree with the idea that we ever get over addictions, I think we can learn to control them but like a smoker,alcaholic or heroin addict you will always be addicted but if you stay away from the drug you can stay clean and sober for the rest of your life.

JMHO

Free