Crying and can't stop
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| Wed, 09-08-2004 - 5:38pm |
I think it is time for me to come over here and I hope that I can get as much support and comfort that I did from the Affair board. I will try and make this as short as possible so that you get background too. FYI I have been seeing OM for 1 1/2 years, he is single I am M.
About 4 wks ago I thought that I was busted by H. He works 3rd shift and I usually would wait about 1/2 hour and then leave for OM's, well H waited and turned back and caught me at the end of the street. Needless to say that it wasn't a good scence but I survived and H has been sticking close. H did go to work that night and I called OM right away to tell him what happened, needless to say he wasn't very supportive and the way he saw things was that I got out of it so everything was fine, just be extra careful. So I haven't seen OM since, we talk almost everyday but that has been it. So I had everything planned to see OM Thursday all day.
Well I got home last night and after the kids were settled H confronted me with an email he had printed from an account I set up that no one knew about. The only thing I can figure is that one of his computer friends came over and screwed around with my home computer, but he didn't confirm or deny that. Anyway I deleted that account and changed all passwords on all my accounts, including work ones this morning (probably too late). The thing I can't figure out is what exactly H knows or has from that account because the date on the email he had was the night before he busted me 4 wks ago, so why wait until now?????? Last week I just downloaded the Webroot suggested on the Affair board and did my work computer and home computer and there was nothing.
Anyway I emailed OM that I needed to talk to him that things happened at home. He came on line and thru IM he basically said that no harm done, was I still coming tomorrow. I was pissed, hurt, not knowing what to do. I told him no. I told him more things that H said (too long to get into right now) but that I still didn't know what H knew. He told me right before he signed of that he needed to rethink things and maybe we just needed to cool things down. He basically has said (thru a friend) that what has happened at my house is my problem. That he can't handle the drama and needs to make changes in his life (he actually IM'd that to me too but how vague is that?). He told this other person that he has to move on that I have made my choices and I am the one that has to change things. So basically what he is saying in not so many words is that it is over. He actually told my friend to try and get me to understand. I have been crying all day and I can't even think straight. I do think he should have been straigh forward with me and told me straight up instead of leaving me to figure this out.
Can anyone give me words of wisdom, help???? I am at a total loss over here and I see him sign on and I want to call him but I just know I shouldn't. How do I mend my heart and move on? How do I try to start rebuilding with H? OM is the one person that if it weren't for the kids and my obligations I would have probably left H for.
Thank you
DAF

I will leave you in far gentler hands then mine but let me say that I am sorry that you find yourself in this spot today.
If I may I will say be glad you did not leave your husband for this OM he has shown you his true colors, he wants the fun but with out the hassles, he is not good enough for you.
I don't know if you can rebuild with your husband untell you decide that is really what you want to do, is it?
To start making it a little easier for yourself I suggest deleting him from your buddy list and address book if you still have him there, delete any e-mails you have retained.
Contrary to what some people say webroot will not catch certain security software it could still be running on your pc undetected.
The first order of the day maybe deciding were you want your future to go and why you got into the affair and if the reasons can be fixed.
You have a hard row to hoe.
Best of luck
Free
I wish I had some real answers for you, but unfortunately I'm kind of at the same stage. I can only tell you some of the things I have learned here. The people here are wonderfully supportive and have taught me so much.
First of all, KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!!! We are all in different stages of ending and are in different positions, but the pain is the same. And we WiLL all heal. Read the board often. I think I kind of replaced my obsession with checking my email and my buddy list for signs to checking this board. It really helps.
It is very, very difficult when you feel like it's ending and you aren't the one in control. Actually, it sucks! You need to take some steps to regain control of yourself, and know that you do have the power to get over this and to heal. First, I know it's drastic, but change your IM name (and DON'T put him on your buddy list. It will drive you crazy when you see he's on there). I did this and it was a pain to give all my real friends and family the new name but it was worth it. No more wondering why he isn't popping up and contacting me. Change the email addresses that you can. That's a good first step. If you need to, block his phone calls. It will hurt A LOT to feel like he can't contact you even if he wanted to, but it will hurt worse to lose your husband. A good friend told me that by contacting him, I was NEVER EVER going to get the responses that I want, and that would cause greater pain. So suck it up, rip off the bandaid, and start healing.
My H doesn't know about my A, but I am also working on rebuilding my connection to him that was weakened when cheated. From what I have read here, IF you REALLY want to save your marriage, you have to make a clean break, and hide nothing from your husband from now on. Answer his questions, be prepared to answer them again and again, listen, be supportive. He will be angry for a while, but you can work through it. What about counseling? I am going for my first individual session tomorrow.
It sounds like you have made your choice and want to stay with your husband. STICK WITH THAT and try not to participate in anything that would conflict with that goal. (I'm trying really hard to do that, too) IMing OM would not help at all. Focus on your goal of saving your marriage. Realize that if that is what you want, OM can't be a part of your life. Think of how he treated you when things got rough- Clean house and start fresh.
Remember...this too shall pass. It will take time, that's for sure. But you can do it. These things happen to good people.
We are here for you whenever you need a shoulder or an ear.
Love, Lily
Thanks for the support. I am still kind of numb to everything right now and don't know what I am going to do. I have seriously been contemplating counseling for a while now but kept putting it off so this morning I left a message with someone that I found thru my healthplan.
I do know I should delete him from my buddy list and off my email list and out of my phone but I just can't, maybe one day, but not now. Unfortunately I can't change any of my email or IM names because I use them for work, I can block him from seeing me but that doesn't do me any good because like I said I can't delete him just yet.
Things at home still are stressed and I just don't care enough to change them now. H started acting like nothing was wrong last night and I shut him down, I retreated to my home office (I know not smart) and later H was furious and said it was nice seeing me for the 10 minutes I decided to show my face. I just can't deal with anything right now, especially last night. I just want to be left alone. As for telling H anything, that would be a NO. I can't change what he knows but there is absolutely no way that I will ever freely give him any information about my A.
I guess my first step is deciding what I want and what I am going to do. I do realize that OM has to be completely out of my life (at least for now) if I am going to work on things with H. Part of the reason I think OM has reacted the way he has is because this will make the 2nd time I could have choosen to leave and I haven't, I guess it makes things clearer for him, I don't know. I just wish that we could have talked or seen each other and done this face to face. I will never have any closure with him (part of that could be intentional on his part)and that hurts.
Did any of you start questioning everything that OM every said to you? I don't know if it is me just trying to hang on but I keep finding myself thinking well he said "A" so he can't mean "B", that he is just having a tantrum but will be back. We have been NC a few times before when I got overwhelmed and he has always backed off and given me space, but then again I have always broken down and called him and things just picked up where they left off. I think this time, I have to stop this craziness.
Well thanks for being there. I will read on the board when I have time and hopefully I can get thru all of this. The worst part of this I think is the feeling of not being in control, of being in limbo, of just hanging on.
DAF
"As for telling H anything, that would be a NO. I can't change what he knows but there is absolutely no way that I will ever freely give him any information about my A."
Then
There have been some other good suggestions for rebuilding M's on this board so I suggest you read those.
Just take baby steps in everything.. it will get better!
Actually today everything came to a head. H called me at my office this morning and let out more information that he knows. Turns out he knows that I am having an A and that it is more than what I told him. H told me that he is moving out this weekend. He wanted me to leave work and go home but I told him I couldn't. I told him that we will talk when I get home. We stayed on the phone talking for about an hour, I don't know what is going to happen when I get home tonight.
I had a friend call OM and warn him that H knew it was him. I don't know how H figured any of this out but he does have proof, that he told me. I am leaning to the fact that he had one of his friends put something in my home computer and possibly my work computer (because his friend workes on both computers). H threatened to call OM and I told him not to call OM and not involve him in this, this entire situation is my fault and it is up to me to fix it with H. I am going home tonight and don't know what to expect.
H has said that he doesn't want this to be it that he wants to get past this and work on our M. He has said that I can not have any more contact with OM because if he finds out I do that will be it. So I have a lot to think about and figure out and fast. So thanks for the support and I will check back with everyone and give them an update. I will check out some of the posts on this site for advice, I guess this is my new home for awhile. Thanks again I appreciate it.
DAF
If you read this one last bit of advice when you speak with hubby dont't play the blame game with him it never helps, be honest and forth right, no deny deny deny, no lies, wheather your marriage lives or dies I don't know but it is in your best interest to keep things as civil as possible it will make it easier on both of you.
Free
Thanks for the advice. I didn't read this before I talked to H but I took all the blame for everything, because let's face it that is where it belongs. The talk didn't go to bad, I still think this is going to take a lot of time. I was surprised about how calm we talked there was no yelling, screaming, no accusations, just a lot of questions. Honestely I couldn't give H answers to everything he wanted to know because if you get down to it I don't know, if I knew the answers then we probably wouldn't be where we are now. H knows that I am going to start counseling and eventually he said maybe he could join me in it.
I had to bite my tongue during that conversation a lot because H wanted to bring up lots of stuff that had nothing to do with the A and I told him that is why I need counseling to straighten out the problems. I have to figure out what is wrong with me, where the problem is and get that straight if we are going to have a chance of working thru this.
I do know that this isn't over, that H will still have questions and that we will have many more of these conversations. H told me last night absolutely no more contact with OM, and if he finds out then he is leaving for good. I told H if that is what it takes. So any advice on how to proceed? If you have been thru this or anything like this please give me advice on what I can do to help the healing along (sorry I don't know your story yet I haven't had time to read the board that much). I am at a total loss as to what to do and right now I think I am still in shock to some extent. I just don't want to screw things up any worse then I already have.
Thanks
DAF
I am glad to read your report, I think there is real hope for your guys.
Advice, be prepared to be real patient both with your husband and yourself, you both going to be learning a lot in the coming months, recovery typically takes from 3 to 5 years so say the experts.
Your husband is more then likely going to go through wild mood swings from loving you totelly to hating you when he is triggered by things, understand that most men can't express there pain the way women can and the anger is often just an expression of the deep pain and is not really hate or even true anger.
Be prepared to answer detailed questions over and over again, he may want every detail and it is better to give him the WHOLE TRUTH the first time hold nothing back even if you are afraid of hurting him, if he learns of stuff 2 or 3 months from now that you withheld he will see it as a fresh betrayal.
NO CONTACT with XOM a total must no two ways about it if you want to have any chance of rebuilding your marriage.
Counceling is a very good idea for you both, him to help deal with his raw emotions and you to deal with the issues that allowed you to get into an affair IN TIME MC as well.
ABOVE ALL TOTAL HONESTY AND ONE BIG BUCKET OF PATIENCE CAUSE YOUR GOING TO NEED THEM . this is not going to be easy but one thing I have learned is that if both spouses want it badly enough to do what it takes you can have a better merrage in the future then you ever would have thought possible.
Blessings on your marriage
Free