seeing him saturday...pls help

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
seeing him saturday...pls help
6
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:57am
the last time om contacted me through im was thursday august 26. i sent him an im

last tuesday, but he did not respond.

the pain is killing me. i want so much for him to send me an im. i want to

know he is thinking of me.

my sons birthday party is on saturday. om is a friend of ours and he was

invited. hell be here with his girlfriend.

last time we wrote, i asked him to see him one last time before he

got married in november. he again said no and we agreed i wouldnt ask him again.

since then he has not send me an im.

i know he wants to move on. it just has been so hard to put our friendship

behind us.

i want to know he is not mad at me. i want him to know that even if

we dont communicate through im that we are still friends.

i feel so lost. dh wants to work things out. i pretend to want to

because of the kids. but i want despertly that happienss i felt with om and

the excitment i felt when we has sex. can you have that again in a marriage

after 12 years or do you divorce and start dating again to find the excitment?

i want to move forward. i know om does not want me in his life. i will see

him on saturday and then for his wedding in november. can you imagine

having to go through that experience?

thanks for listening and let me know your thoughts. thanks

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 2:59pm
upsidedown...I understand completely what you are going through. Although me and my OM have not ended things yet i can only imagine the pain you are going through. Like you, me and OM are very close friends, almost 9 years. we have met for sex 3 times in the last 5 months, but our emotional A is much much deeper. I honestly believe we hae been having an emotional A for our entire relationship, but only recently acted on it. It truly sounds to me like you are putting yourself through alot of pain and from what i know, i dont think things are going to change. It sounds like he is trying very hard to be faithful to his soon to be wife and having any contact with you may be too painful for him. Especialy when he knows you still want to be with him in a way he doesnt want anymore. I think you should back off for a while and give him some space. I know the pain u are going through seems to be unbearable right now, but it will get easyer. I can barely get through a day without talkin to OM via IM's!!! I am an addict for him and i too can nnot stop it, even though i know i should for the sake of my family. Please stay strong, keep yourselfbusy and you will get through this!


WaNNaBeHaPPY2004


PS...I absolutly HATE IT when they dont respond to an IM..or sign on and then sign off rel quick and you JUST KNOW that they blocked you!!! LOL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 6:12pm
HI UP

Let me answer your question with a question, do you intend to divorce and remarry or change B/F every time that intial excitment of a new relationship dies down, if you and xom were to go on having a relationship do you really believe it will not go throught the smae stages the relationship with your husband has.

Yes you can get at least some of the excitment back with hubby if your both prepared to do what it takes, but a good relationship and a happy life are not built on excitment or even great sex, it is bulit on love and trust and when your old and grey that is what is really going to count.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 7:09pm
..


Edited 2/16/2005 1:13 pm ET ET by iris304
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 9:29pm
I wouldn't have him come to my son's birthday party. I'd make up any excuse to 'uninvite' him or even email him telling him you'd prefer he not come.

And please, please, please do not go to his wedding!!!!! Make an excuse, or that day come down with the flu. Do not torture yourself more than you have to.

You said " i know om does not want me in his life" so please try to take care of yourself. I know it's so hard, but imagine the tables were turned and you were getting married and didn't want him in your life anymore, yet he kept contacting you.

Good luck

Brooklynjuliet

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-24-2004
Thu, 09-09-2004 - 11:12pm
Dear Upsidedown,

Seeing OM in person this Saturday will be extremely difficult. While you may, on one level, feel excited/feel anticipation at the thought of seeing him face to face, you need to think about what it will be like for you the next day, and the day after that...

I speak from experience. While xMM & I emailed/talked almost every day, I did not see him for 2 months this summer as I was on bedrest & would certainly not invite him into my bedroom. I finally had to see him at the end of the summer (long story, but he was fighting my ticket for me that I received for the accident that landed me in bed for the summer). We spent approximately 4 hours together (2 in court, 2 traveling to court/talking which led to kissing at my door). At first, it was incredible to see him again. But the next day, it all came crashing in on me again. I hadn't realized it, but the 2 months we didn't physically see each other, I had started to heal, I had started to refocus on my M even though I was still emailing w/him. The next 2 weeks were hell - absolute hell. I ached for him, I missed him, when he emailed me I felt elated, when he didn't reply within 5 minutes I felt miserable. Well, once again, as time began to pass & I had some realizations about how important my H is to me and how much I want my M to work, I began to regain my sanity. I learned that no matter how innocent (a court appearance, a son's birthday party) the meeting, physically seeing MM/OM again is too detrimental to OUR sanity/hearts.

I definitely agree w/the other post that suggested you uninvite OM & not attend his wedding. If a birthday party would cause pain, OM's wedding would be unfathomable.

I feel for you. Stay strong. Recognize that the excitement of an A is simply b/c it is dangerous/forbidden, not real life. You can definitely regain excitement with your H, but ONLY if you really truly try. If OM is clouding your mind it will be virtually impossible.

Good luck - Blueeyed

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Fri, 09-10-2004 - 11:55am
thanks for all your replies. i know seeing him tomorrow will

bring me back to square one. a big part of me wants to see him again.

i cant univite him because we are all friends.

i would love to not go to the wedding, but again we are friends with both om

and his fiance and i dont have an excuse out. my kids are even walking the wedding!

it it sooo painful to want something you cant have. im dying to send him

an im just to know he is not mad at me and that we are still friends.

i wait endless hours waiting to see if he goes on line for me. but he doesnt.

i know its over. i know he wants to move on and i respect that. its just soo

hard. i miss him and his friendship.

all i do is remember all those times we had together and how much i would give to

have that again.

thanks for listening.