Need help with response to OM...........

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Need help with response to OM...........
10
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 9:55am
Hi Everyone.

Hope you are all doing well and are feeling strong today. I need some help. Next weekend, OM and I are going to be at a work function (can't get out of it) together and earlier in the week we talked and sort-of kind-of loosely made plans to sneak away together. We have not had intercouse yet (everything else though) and had alluded that maybe that would be the night. I have ended it many times, and although he keeps telling me that we are just friends with sexual chemistry, nothing more, he keeps coming back. He has a GF and there was never an issue of either of us falling in love or leaving them or anything like that (my whole story is in a post called "Help...Need Intervention") Whenever we hooked up and the contact tapered off for a while, I would get upset and get the "this is casual, i can't give you anything emotional" speech, and I would always recant with "i don't want anything emotional either, but we are friends and i feel used, blah blah" whatever. i know i sound like an idiot, but we always superficially worked it out and POOF! he'd show back up. anyway....i am rambling.

My question to you all is this...I am really ready for this to be OVER for good. I want peace. (I also want to come out on top and feel in control, not rational I know.) NC is not an option since we are both under contract at work, but I can definately do VERY limited contact. Next week, when he starts sniffing around, what should I say? I kind of want to tell him that, yes, although we're buddies, he's looking for a blow-up doll that won't talk afterwards and i am better than that. That this isn't good for us and I'm done.

What do you think?

I still keep obsessing over the talks we had this week. One minute sweet and friendly, the next minute all "i'm just your friend, i can't give you anything else...wanna hook up?"

ahhh...

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:37am
lilyann, the BEST advise i can give you, is DONT have sex with him.

it will feel wonderful that day but the pain you will after is

unbearbale..............
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:56am
It will be one of the hardest things to NOT sleep with him next week - but trust me, it will be 1000 times harder to walk away if you do sleep with him. If you want to come out on top, be the strong one and say that this time you are going to stick to what you said. I went where you are considering and it lead to WAY more sex than I had planned and now walking away is the hardest thing for me. It is still fresh and I am still battling this. It is better to walk away, do whatever you have to to stay strong and let your OM think highly of you. Don't give him the chance to see the side that wants more attention from him and more support than he is willing to give - he will think more of you if he doesn't see that side of you anymore and then you truly will come out on top.

I wish I had NOT gone there - I am regretting it because it is so hard to give up and if I don't it will ruin my life (husband and two beautiful children!)

Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:35am
lilyann,

I just read another post of yours - what you are going through sounds just like what I am feeling. I am totally addicted to how my MM makes me feel - so wonderful, desired, smart, funny - and sexier than I have ever felt in my whole life and marriage!

BUT..after having amazing sex and feeling like I can look into his eyes and see how much he adores me and how important it is that I stare into his eyes (HE says "please, I need you to look into my eyes while I cum....") I felt like we were connected. Of course we would spend all morning in bed doing all kinds of things (he is an awesome lover - that makes this so much harder!!!) we would jump out of bed and dress to get our kids from school. Later? Nothing from him! Once after another morning of hot sex and not hearing from him AT ALL - no e-mail, no quick phone call - NOTHING (AND after I had told him that being ignored after sex is hard for me and it hurts AND e-mailing him that day about how amazing I felt and how I was looking forward to hearing from him..) he showed up at school the next day with a big fat hickey on his neck from his wife! Ouch! THEN we walked through the local market on the way home and he stopped to look at flowers for his wife but didn't have enough money! He had just paid for my cup of coffee that we had with some other parents that morning. I felt like a piece of crap!

This man has regular sex with his wife - and I knew that - but I didn't know he would "do me" in the morning and then her later that day! He gives me such highs and the lows are awful. When I say I want to be treated better he has all of the right answers - and I get right back into where I shouldn't be.

The sex may be great with this man and you will be in even deeper. The sex with my husband was fine in my eyes - no problems - but this man has made me hotter than I have ever felt in my life. He taught me a lot that way and now I am having such a hard time getting away. I KNOW that he only sees me as a friend that he cares deeply about. I don't even know if he really cares that deeply about me, but he has said he won't fall in love and that he doesn't love me. But after being in this for too long I found myself wanting more from him. I wanted him to love me.

We still will see eachother sometimes. I should walk away all together but we each have 2 kids and both of mine are in classes with both of his and he still "wants to be friends" even though he doesn't like my decision NOT to have sex anymore. He did think I was getting too attached though. I feel like a fool and not the strong woman I want to be or that I want him to see me as (I have this thing about getting in the last word with him this time!) I want to come out on top too - but I am having such a hard time deciding firmly to never have sex with him again. I keep thinking that maybe in a few months we can do it again and I won't be attached. The thing is, that won't make it any less destructive to my husband and children if we get caught!

SO, don't do it. I should have just been flattered and walked away with a big compliment instead of doing things that could rip my family apart.

Thanks for listening!
Avatar for mama_mia123
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 7:04pm
lilyann

one of the amazing things i am discovering on this board is how so many men are so much the same, so many women are so much the same, and EM's in general are so similar.

this man sounds like poison!

my suggestion in order to strengthen yourself is to remember- really visualize-- how it feels after you've been with him and he cools off. See him in your mind's eye, telling you, "we're just friends- I can't offer anything more." Remember how bad that feels and use the pain as a tool to be cool towards him.

If you really can't get out of the work event, do your best to steer clear of him.

And if he approaches you, remind him: "we're just friends, and I can't give you anything more."

How bout that?

Mama Mia

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 8:37pm
Hi Lilyann,

I can only agree totally with what everyone has said thus far in this posting. I too have been through much of what you are describing, coworker/friend, and the whole thing and I can promise you that if you cross that line to full intimacy, it will make you feel worse and it won't take long to feel it either. I have managed to end my A of three years, but I know that point of the relationship which ;ushed it into a different level was when we actually had IC. After that point, he had me hooked good and the few hours of pleasure we had occasionally were not worth the pain in between and the disappointment I felt in myself. I finally had enough of that feeling and his manipulation and have ended it, but it has not been easy.

My advice, don't put yourself through this misery. Don't take that next step. It will only make everything more fonfusing for you and more difficult. If you have to go to your work function together, stay in the company of other people and don't make any plans to meet with him.

Be strong.

IP

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 9:16pm
HI Lily

I agree with all the other posters 100 percent.

If you have IC the picture changes completely and for the worse for you and the better for him, I don't know way but women seem to completely loose control of the situation after the have IC and most cannot say NO after that untell they end up hurting badly enought that there servival instincts kick in and they slowly with great pain exit the affair.

My advice keep the minamal contact when your at that conference, stay in another hotel if possible and keep that info from him, find other women to hang tight to when your anywere near him.

I would also suggest that you cease any more personal chats with him, he is a USER plain and simple, he wants the meat with ZERO commitment to you, and I have to suggest to you he IS NOT YOUR FRIEND, people do not use there friends or put there happyness at risk just to satisify there own LUSTS.

JMHO

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:14pm
Hiya Lilyann,

If it were me, I'd buy a cheap blow up doll, pop a note inside the box which reads: "I'm just your friend, I can't give you anything else!" and take it with me to the work get-together. Give it to him when he wants to sneak off and ensure you remain in the company of other colleagues for the duration of the event. He'll get the hint, honey, and he certainly doesn't deserve anything else.

If you give in to this, you ACCEPT and give him FULL PERMISSION to treat you like a doormat. Your actions would TELL him you deserve no respect as a person. Your actions would SHOUT that it's perfectly okay to make you his latest booty call and that you don't even need anything resembling a real friendship in order to be that booty call.

Why oh WHY would you willingly do that to yourself?!!

If you need to obsess, then obsess about what a jerk this guy is for being willing to cheat on his gf. What kind of a friend would ask you to lie, cheat and betray someone else? And what kind of friend would you be to enable and encourage him to lie, cheat and betray someone else? That's not friendship, that's ugly, and so is this guy.

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:26pm
Wow, thanks y'all.

I really needed to hear that. I know you are absolutely right, and of course my gut has been telling me this all along. I just get so clouded by the chemistry. I will probably need reminding again, so please bear with me. :(

I can't tell you how much you all have become my lifeline. Your experiences and your willingness to listen and advise are amazing. What a strong, fabulous group of women! We are all too damn good for this!

Love to you all.

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:46pm
Lily

"What a strong, fabulous group of women! We are all too damn good for this!"

I think we should have this STAMPED on our foreheads.

That Chemistry your talking about is more in your frontal neo-cortex then between you and the turd.

Free

PS: I love the doll idea go for it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 12:39am

From reading your post it seems to me that you need to learn some sexual self-control, particularly with xOM. The frequency of your cave-ins seems to match when you need to have a sex fix for yourself.


Since NC is not an option, a firm no without any drama will end the game you two are playing. As long as xOM knows that your "no" means "maybe later", he'll continue to hit on you for sex.


Aren't you worth a full-time 24/7 available man for a relationship partner?


I think so......


jmhmo (just my humble male opinion)