DeLurking

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
DeLurking
5
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:57am
Good morning everyone,

I hope I don't make this too long, just felt I should come out of the shadows and begin posting. First of all, I've been reading these posts for a few months, off and on. It has helped me realize that there is a life after ending an affair, although I"m having such a hard time getting there. Not only that, but do I really want to go on for years this way when just a few months has caused me so much pain.

My story: Back in Feb. my H of 15 years moved out of state for yet another job. The original intent was that the children and I would follow up when school was over. I've been pretty miserable in my marriage for many years, but have stayed in it for the sake of the children. My H had an affair 9 years ago which began before my thrid pregnancy and lasted until the baby was 2 weeks old, so one would think I would never get involved in an EMA myself and put that kind of pain on another woman. In March I started having serious doubts about moving up to where my H was. By April I made the decision to stay behind. I've wanted a seperation for many years but could never get him to agree and never had the guts to just leave.

Enters the MM. He was someone I had known casually for a few months, but probably never really thought too much about it. He began flirting with me pretty heavily, which was a nice feeling. I had never really had another man look at me that way before. I had lost quite a bit of weight and was feeling pretty good about myself, etc.. The flirting turned into talking about having an affair. We were both pretty blunt about what we wanted and didn't want. He was lacking sex in his marriage ( married 6 years to someone he has known since jr.high, 3 y/o son and his wife has been ill over the past year or so). He told me he had no intent in leaving his wife and child, he just was looking for some fun. At first this sounded good to me. I was curious to see what it would be like to have sex with someone else after all these years with my H. We both agreed we were adults could have fun until it was time to end and then both walk away without being hurt. (HAHAHA) He began calling me and a few times we were able to steal a few kisses here and there. He then fessed up and told me ( this is only after kissing, nothing else so far ) that he has an STD. I should have run then, but by this time I was so taken in I just couldn't walk away. Although we never did have IC we did mess around in other ways.

In the beginning he called all the time...sometimes several times a day, just to say hey, I'm thinking about you etc...talk sexy what have you. It was very thrilling. I started having some trouble with my H over the seperation, not to mention the emotional fall out with the children when I told them we were not going to move up after all. The MM started wanting to talk about what was bothering me, always asked about the kids etc...I had told him at first I didn't want to talk about those things with him, because I didn't want to depend on him emotionally to get through the end of my marriage, that it wasn't his responsibiliy to see me through it. He was pretty offended by this, said he wanted to be my friend etc...He began to open up more about his marriage and asking me questions about a woman's/mother's point of view. We had this relationship where we knew it was wrong, but just couldn't stop. I always knew ultimately he wanted his marriage to work, it was just going through one of those stale times. I have told him several times he needed to focus more on what was good for HER and not necessarily himself.

Three months into the A we went out of town for three nights. This is when things began getting even more complicated. It ended up being one of the best weekends of my life ( I loved falling asleep listening to him rattle off stories and then waking up next to him, we still did not have IC, not by my choice I wanted to use a condom, he didn't want to risk infecting me with HPV..genital warts ) but it also was the weekend my life pretty much fell apart. My H had had a malignant tumor removed from above his eye a couple of weeks prior. This is the weekend that the Scans showed just how serious his cancer was and the prognosis at this point was not good. My MM held me while I cried and we discussed what was the right thing for me to do, which was to move with my kids up to be with my H.

Then things got hard. The day I got home from my weekend I drove up to be with my H for the first two weeks of chemo. The MM stopped calling me. He felt strongly that it would confuse me with the right choice of moving up to my H. I had ( still have ) such a hard time with this. I had become so dependent on his thoughts and advice. When I first got back in town he didn't see me, if I ran into him around the neighborhood he would hardly look at me. He did admit later he had so much guilt when he went home after our weekend. He was doubting what kind of man was he if would cheat on his wife. During one of our talks he said I was his best friend and he was very confused. But, he still was not willing to throw the towel in on his marriage. He works from home so he can be there with his son, he doesn't want to loose that, plus the financial aspect of it all. Plus, he admits that he wants to give his wife a chance to become sexual again, that if that aspect of their marraige was better then maybe everything else will fall back into place.

I know, I'm getting too long here. So, since we've been back from our weekend, which was early July, we've been friends. And, yes, its too hard to be just "friends" after an A. We've gone to lunch every other week since then up until I moved last week. After one such lunch he kissed me for a very long time, told me he still wanted me. Said maybe one day we would get a chance to go away again. He then told me that he would still be there when I moved back ( I'm only renting a house up here, rented my house out down there). That I needed to take care of my family and he was going to give his marriage another shot. If neither worked out for us then we could see what was there between the two of us. He then reminded me that we agreed in the beginning we'd be adults about this and no one would get hurt, that he was sorry if I was hurting due to the relationship with him.

The NC has been hard for me..I lasted one week before I called him. We talked for a little while ,nothing serious, just chit chatted. It was good to hear his voice. I still think about him all the time and have a hard time getting him out of my thoughts. So I figured if I started posting and not just lurking here and there maybe it will begin to help me feel more in control.

If anyone is still reading my novel here thank you, LOL. JB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: jellybean87
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 11:58am
I'm still reading it & I didn't mind the length at all. It helps to hear other people's stories, doesn't it? You can read mine under "desperately need support for nc" and "i feel destitue" from the past couple of days. I too, am having a hard time with NC. Every time I've contacted him (and that's been many, many times) over the past few days, I've been so disappointed in myself for not being able to show more self control. And the fact that I'm initiating almost all the contact is humiliating. I just keep feeling I have so much to say. I know they talk about keeping a journal here, but I'm afraid of it being found. I'm sure aleady the people who read my post are wondering how I was possibly able to pull this off for 12 years? My H. works almost constantly and long hours (which is where this all stemmed form originally, the loneliness) and OM spends every weekend away from his GF, so it was always "our time" to i.m. and talk on the phone and this weekend is very hard to get through. I too, have a health situation with my H. and it would be really creepy of me to leave and my kids are still too young. Strangely, he is a far better man than OM & I've known that from day one but, in many ways I have more in common with OM and the passion we had together-OMG!! I will never tell my H.-I discussed it with my therapist years ago and we both felt it would not serve any purpose other than to unburden myself and put it on him and that it would be a tremendous hurt to try to recover from. I still feel that way and I'll never change my mind, I know many posters here feel you must tell but not me. I'll be on alot this weekend if you want to talk. I can't offer any advice but maybe talking to each other will keep us to busy to contact them.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
In reply to: jellybean87
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 3:00pm
TooSmart4This,

Hope your day is going better. Have you managed to not call or try to contact him so far this weekend? I took my daughter downtown for shopping and lunch, that seemed to help me for a bit as far as focusing on what is important.

Marriage is a funny thing sometimes I guess. We know we are in it until death do us part and in sickness and health, but I'm not sure its always healthy to stay in a marriage which doesn't work. I know my husband and I have tried in the past, we've done the counseling route before, too. I really feel the seperation would have been a good thing for us, but it didn't last long until we found out he was ill. My MM would not leave his wife due to her health issues, and I have to say he is right in staying and helping her out. I just wish their relationship was stronger. I know from living near him that she doesn't take an interest in his hobbies etc..they live seperate lives, just as my H and I have done for so long. I feel like the past several years I've lived life just going through the motions and I don't wish that on anyone much less someone I've grown to care for. But, cutting off all emotions was the only way I seemed to be able to get through the years until the kids were grown. I finally realized I wanted to live life NOW not once the kids were grown up.

Well, hope your weekend is going better. JB

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
In reply to: jellybean87
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 4:59pm
Hi JB. Yes, I can stay away from him today because he golfs today (although I was up at 5 e-mailing him). My danger time is tonight, we would usually chat online. I have an offer to go out with my H. and dont know what to do. It will be a strain to act normal and my eyes have that raw, tired feeling from crying (which I'll blame on allergies)but if I stay home, I'll be looking for OM. Really immature, but I use a screen name that OM doesn't know about to see if he's online looking for me or not. I was thinking about just repeating to myself or doodling on a piece of paper every time I am tempted to write him, the letters BWD-behave with dignity. Whatever works, right? Good luck to you too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
In reply to: jellybean87
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:35pm
toosmart! GO OUT WITH HUBBY TONIGHT!!!!!! Remember your realization -- you need to live your *real* life! There's no time like the present to start doing that. Waiting and watching for OM is not living!!!

The internet will still be waiting for you tomorrow, if you feel you must contact him tomorrow... Tell yourself that every day, get through one small chunk of time at a time. Going out tonight will take care of one big chunk.

Go out and have a good time, and that is an order. ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
In reply to: jellybean87
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:43pm
GO OUT WITH YOUR H!!! I agree that is on of those baby steps to gettign your life back and possibly working on your M!! Really please do it!It will take you mind off things for a while!