Need re-assurance
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| Sat, 09-11-2004 - 12:17pm |
Here goes, this might be a little long, so please bear with me. I am the OW and this is the only A I've ever had. I am having a hard time living with myself and I've decided to end the physical relationship. The MM and I work together, fairly closely. I don't think that this will be a problem, because when we started this A, a little over a year ago, he always said that when it was over, for me to let him down gently. He is older than me, I'm 26 and he's 40. I am ending it because I don't want to get hurt, I'm falling in love with him and I know that that will only lead to my heartache.
MM is completely unhappy in his marriage and we talk about that quite often. I have talked to MM many times about feeling guilty and uneasy about what we were doing and understood. I'm hoping that will make this easier. We had an excellent friendship prior to any physical relationship and I want that back. Knowing MM the way I do, I think things will be ok. I was not made to be the OW.
Thank you for listening and any advice or insight is greatly appreciated.
Edited 9/11/2004 10:02 pm ET ET by lizzie24601
Edited 9/12/2004 7:41 pm ET ET by lizzie24601

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First off, I think you are very wise to want to end this; you are young and single and you deserve to have a man who can be there for you *completely*. My only "advice" may not be what you want to hear, but unfortunately, time after time it proves true: Going back to being "just friends" after you've crossed that line will be almost impossible. The attraction and temptation will still be there, and at least one of you will still have hopes or expectations of resuming the physical relationship. So even if you succeed in eliminating the physical element, you'll most likely still be involved in an "emotional affair." If you are having conversations that his wife would find objectionable, or if your friendship is being kept hidden from her, that will be one clue that it is still an inappropriate friendship.
I do wish you the best of luck, and strength; working together closely will make it very difficult to move forward. Which doesn't sound particularly reassuring, I know, but the reassuring part is -- lots of us here have been where you are and you can turn here for help when it gets difficult!
I Completly agree with kate.
Welcome sorry to see you here if you know what I mean.
Free
I know ending it is the right thing to do. I just can't live like this anymore. It feels good and the attention is wonderful, but the toll it's taking on my mind and conscience it not worth it at all. I would rather be a little sad when I see him than to be ready to hurt myself everytime Ilook in the mirror.
Again, thank you for your advice. I truely do appreciate it and am genuinely thankful for this place.
lizzie
Mine is a similar situation as yours. Coworker/friends/Xmm. I was the one who ended the A with him and we also supposedly had the understanding that we wouldn't let it interfere with the friendship. However, my XMM is a self centered baby and since I told him it was over, he has tested me several times. I had tried to end it two times over three years and he would always get his way and start it up again, but not this time. One day he will still act pretty normal and we'll talk about normal stuff, work, politics, just stuff in general like friends do, then the next day, he will be sarcastic and hateful with me and do childish things like get on the phone with his W and talk sweet to her so I can hear him. That only makes me know I have done the right thing with this little boy by ending it before it ruined my life with guilt or we were found out and my H and his W were hurt or our careers were damaged.
I feel fortunate because XOM has applied for another job and has a good chance of being transfered soon. I hate that it has come to this, but I'm beginning to agree with the others that once the A begins, the friendship part is changed forever.
Maybe your MM will be more mature, but just know that stopping the A is for the best for YOU.
Do what is best for YOU and it is not an A with a MM.
Hang in there, be strong, and I wish you the best. Keep posting for encouragement and to know you're not the only one going through this crap.
IP
Thanks again.
lizzie
I kept thinking that I should be crying about not getting the attention and affection anymore from MM, but I just couldn't cry about it. Then it started, but it's because I'm ashamed more than anything.
Any suggestions on getting through that?
thanks
lizzie
Forgive yourself and refuse to go there again in your "LIFE" for any reason, thats about it.
Free
Is there anything that I should know about forgiving myself? It just doesn't seem like the right thing to do. It will probably lessen over time, right?
Edited 9/12/2004 5:38 pm ET ET by lizzie24601
I had the same kind of break-down the other day. Out of nowhere I thought of my grandmother, who has always been my inspiration and the most amazing example of strength and grace. She looks at me as though I am the most perfect person ever, and all of the sudden I LOST IT! Strangely, I really hadn't experienced much guilt yet. I've been too caught up in my feelings for OM. But WOW, I thought "If she knew how selfish and pathetic I have been, she would be crushed." It was a real reminder of what is IMPORTANT and REAL to me in my life, and a few highs from a guy who isn't my husband IS NOT one of those things. Don't get me wrong, I am ending this and healing for myself, not anyone else. But I look at the guilt I started experiencing as a healthy reminder of who I AM.
I was myself long before him, and will be forever. I have people in my life who are real and value me for who I am. He isn't a part of that.
Don't beat yourself up. You are human. We all have made mistakes. Just use this as a positive tool to keep you grounded and help you return to that person you want to be.
Hugs,
Lily
You HAVE TO forgive yourself. It's time for you to take care of things and heal. Forgiving yourself is the only way for you to move on. It is the right thing to do. NOTHING GOOD CAN EVER COME OF BEATING YOURSELF UP. You've been through enough and you deserve peace.
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