A huge realization

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
A huge realization
6
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 3:08pm
I feel like I'm thinking a little more clearly now and although I'm still very sad, I realized something really important. I have not really lived my life these past 12 years because anytime that I wasn't with him or talking to him (which was most of the time), I wasn't fully emotionally present. I was always thinking about him and even during some really important moments, I wasn't truly in the moment-a part of me was always off with him somewhere. Now I know why my life always felt as though it was a movie about someone else and I was just watching it. I only felt alive when I was with him. I think it's also why I've been so sad, I thought I'd have nothing without him but now I'm wondering if it was the opposite-I had nothing WITH him and maybe now that it's over, I'll actually experience life instead of watching it pass me by?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 3:17pm
What an amazing way of looking at things, TooSmart!

I think you are on to something. I keep feeling like I am most alive when I am "high" on his attention and advances, but actually, that was a clouded view. I had the endorphins pumping and they made me feel like I was so happy, and when things were not so good or we hadn't talked in a while, I felt lower than ever. I'm starting to realize that's part of the addiction. I FELT alive when we were together, but afterwards and in between my life was in limbo and all I could do was think of him. SO unfair to my H, myself, family, and friends.

Like you, I'M READY TO START LIVING AGAIN! It will be difficult, but I want to trade the crazy rollercoaster highs and lows for peace, evenness, and actually live my life.

:) YOU GO GIRL!

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 4:56pm
TooSmart,

I read this and think...do I really want to feel like that for years to come while I wait for both our children to grow up? Then what, perhaps he still won't leave his marriage? But, I do find myself thinking of him during important times of my life wishing he was here to share that. Then I think, he'll never get to come experience parts of my life and why should I settle for only half of a relationship? I read a post here several months ago that really touched me...have no idea who wrote it, but it was about stopping and thinking about how we will never be the ones to sit on the couch and just watch tv, enjoy holidays with our MM and if something happened ( God forbid ) to him we would NOT be the ones who would be called. I try to hold on to the fact that he taught me to feel again. I really had just shut myself off to the world, so tired of being hurt by my H, it made it easier not to love or hate anymore. Only thing is with the good feelings he gave me I now have to deal with the pain as well. --JB

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 4:56pm
toosmart, I know exactly what you mean, and I remember when I had the same "aha" moment myself. It is so true. And we have a choice -- we can either waste even more of our energies beating ourselves up about the years we spent with our blinders on, because it *is* pretty tragic when you think about it-- or we can move forward having learned an important lesson, determined to live our lives more fully, the way they were meant to be lived.

Once you shake off that affair dust and you really do start living again -- it's the best, most freeing feeling! Hugs to you, you are on your way!!! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:09pm
I understand. I think mine too filled a certain need in my life at the time that it started. Ironically, he used to question whether I was just using him and at that point, when I didn't want an EA, I used to reply that we were using each other and what was wrong with that? But I guess women are always playing with fire when they think they can act like one of the boys. We can't, at least I can't. I think you're right-when you start to feel again, you open yourself up to feeling pain as well. I hope yours doesn't last too long and you're able to feel some happiness soon too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 5:11pm
Thank you lilyann!! I know it's premature and I'll probably be feeling low again, but right now, I'm starting to feel like I'm going to be able to do this after all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sat, 09-11-2004 - 10:46pm
You WILL do this after all, TooSmart!

And yes, we'll both feel low again, but ya know what? Every pang of withdrawal or sadness gets us one step closer to being completely healed. It will be hard, but I think I will try to see them as battle scars. We got into these situations, but we are smart enough and strong enough to get out. We are paying for it now, but not forever. WE ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING!!!!!!! And the right thing is not always pleasant. But we will be stronger and healthier in the end.

WHenever you feel low, I am here. Feel free to post or email me any time.

Love,

Lily

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby