do i really want it to end?
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| Sun, 09-12-2004 - 1:48pm |
BUT...I still have moments that I think that maybe I can handle this "friendship". I even consider his suggestion of a "Christmas F***" - if my husband called having sex that - I would feel insulted. So why can MM say that and I don't run off?
I ended this because I knew I was getting too attached. The longer I do this the more destructive it can be to everyone involved. I KNOW this in my head, it is logical, but I still have moments that I think I can handle his friendship and company and hope he will still want me later.
Right now I am going through the motions I need to go through to end this.
Has anyone else ended because you realize it could be too destructive, but you really didn't want it to end? I need to work on my marriage but I can't if I give my attention to another man. I am trying to do the right thing and I want my marriage to work so I'm backing off the MM - but I still want him.
Is this just normal? Does everyone else just decide and feel strong about it from that moment on or do you also waiver many times a day?
I am having more and more moments that I actually think I can do this.
There are so many strong women here and reading here gives me so much more confidence in myself. I am hoping that with the right attitude and knowing I need this to stop that my heart will eventually follow. I'm not in love with him - just too darn addicted to the fun and sex. And, more than the sex, it is the attention and seduction (which gets me so turned on I want the sex).
Why is this so hard?
And why can I say the right things and truly mean them just to hope he gives me some attention tomorrow when I see him. He will be doing some tranlating for me at a meeting and usually we go have a beer afterward. Why do I hope he invites me when I know I shouldn't - and I should not accept what he gives me (which is inconsistancy and a threat to my marriage - and a threat to making my marriage better).
I sound so contracdictory - I know - but my thoughts and feelings are all over the place.
Is this normal?

Lazyone,
YES, it is normal. It's the AFFAIR that is ABNORMAL. This is what they do to us. You will know when it's time to totally call it quits. When the head-banging, mind-boggling, gut-wrenching, mood-swinging pain becomes too much for you, you will end it. Never give up on yourself...just coming to these boards is a sure sign that you are struggling with doing the right thing for yourself and your family. I just hope it doesn't come too late for you.
I wish you the best,
~True~
I waiver and waiver and waiver - I guess that is why I have to do this one day at a time!
We are still in contact. He wants to be friends. I am not convinced that that will work - and there will be some heavy flirtation. I KNOW that. For now I am going to stick with NOT sleeping with him and see him less (one on one, alone) but I'm not quitting that yet. THAT is the place I waiver most. I feel like I SHOULD want to walk away completely, but I can't bring myself to say that.
Weird fact - I've never lied about the time I spend with MM - my husband just doesn't know what we are doing!
My goal is to cut back on the time and cut out the sex and see where that leaves me. AND go to counseling with my husband. I'm telling myself (and MM) that we can't have sex for several months. I have never told him that I would be testing the friendship waters, so to speak - I even promised him we would always be friends. I am hoping/wondering if by the end of the months I won't want him or I will have accepted the fact that I can't anymore.
I waiver and waiver still - but I do not want to do anything that we could get "caught" at. That part I am firm on.
I wonder if my MM will find a new conquest. I don't trust him entirely (duh - maybe because he lies to his wife?? Isn't always reliable?? NEEDS attention??) and I am waiting to see what he will do to make this break easier on me. I am wondering if he will be a good friend like he says he will or if he will leave me in the dust.
One thing I DO know - is that everytime I read a post I realize that by coming here I can draw on the wisdom and experience of those who have done this before or are going through it now. I cannot even express how helpful and empowering (and scary at the same time) this is!
Lazy
Lazy,
I don't have any advice for you since I'm going through the same thing but just wanted to send you a hug.
Good luck! I'll be thinking about you.
Edited 2/16/2005 1:39 pm ET ET by iris304