Why does he keep doing this to me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Why does he keep doing this to me?
5
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:04pm
Well, XMM knows my favorite college football teams - I'm a huge football fan - and Friday night when they were playing he sent me a text message saying "I bet you're watching football right now."

Why does he keep contacting me, even though I'm not encouraging him and haven't given him one shred of hope that we could get back together? I even told him that we couldn't be friends or have any contact? Yet, he interrupts my serenity with these messages that get me thinking all over again. UGH.

I don't know if any of you remember that we went thru this 2 weekends ago also, when he sent me a text message saying "I still think about you."

I wonder if he really understood that he throws me into a tailspin if he would still send me these messages???? Probably, right? That's probably exactly what he wants - to get me thinking about him again. Well, this time I didn't respond in any fashion and I didn't even hang on to the thoughts of contacting him. No fantasies, no urges, just let the message go in one ear and right out the other.

Who knows when he'll strike again???? UGH. Thanks for listening. Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 9:30pm
Hey Mo!

Your OM sounds like he is still trying to maintain some control over you. Mine does the same thing. I will make it clear that we're done, won't contact him for weeks (or even months) and he'll pop up. And after innocent small talk the conversation always ends up taking that turn. Feels good for a second, then I'm back to square one. Reunited with the pain and have to start healing all over.

All you can do is STAY in control of yourself and the situation. You definately did the right thing by not responding. That is the only way to keep that serenity. If you respond, you'll be starting your healing over again. Just think of him as a pop-up ad on your computer and close that window!!!! :)

I think these guys just need their ego's boosted every so often, and they care more about seeing if we're still "available" than respecting our wishes and our well-being. Just part of their nature, I guess.

Stay strong, and try not to let him get to you. You are still in control, and I would hate for him to chip away at that again.

I'm here if you need me!

Love, Lily

P.S. I read your response and replied to it on my post...I wrote that all wrong. I meant my husband and OM's GF have no clue, not my H and HIS GF! Sorry, I'm a space case! :)

Love, Lily PG with #1 EDD 11/23 baby
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 09-12-2004 - 10:19pm
Hiya Mo,

<<>>

Short answer? Because you are letting him. If you really didn't want to hear from him, you'd lose that cell phone or obtain a new number or just block any incoming calls/texts from his number.

<<>>

I don't remember, but it's a common tactic from men who believe they just need to dangle the right carrot in front of you to get you right back on the rollercoaster, and in most cases right back on your back again...

<<>>

Um, not only does he know, but that *is* the specific intent, honey. Remember, he knows what buttons to push, he's just working out the new combination. If he keeps pecking away, dancing on those buttons, well, he's pretty likely to score eventually, right? The interest he has appears to be based on just how much can I get Mo to put up with before she tells me "no," and actually means it?

<<>

Operative phrase in this sentence is: "this time." What was different this time, Mo? How will it be different during, say, pmt-week? Or after an incredibly stressful day at work? How long until the right button-pushing sequence is struck? Remember, you and only YOU, are permitting this contact from him.

<<>>

You're still watching for his texts, honey. How about voicemails, IM's and email? If you want to be free, you will be, if you don't, you'll continue permitting him to contact you by not changing your number or blocking his number, changing email addy, IM user names, etc.

<<>> If you changed your number or blocked his, he'd never strike again. However, I'm well aware it means letting go of the feel-good of knowing he's interested enough to be texting.

Mo, you have it in your power to never hear from him again. What's stopping you, honey?

Wishing you strength & peace,

Posie






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-16-2004
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 7:48am
Mo, is this still that same cell phone that you didn't know what to do with?

Whether it is or isn't -- I think you need to change your number. Pronto. The fact that you *did* respond to his text msg 2 weeks ago is exactly why he is still doing this.

And for the rest of us that are in the XOM's shoes -- where we keep wanting to break NC -- look at what this is doing to Mo. If you still care at all about your X, don't do this to him!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 9:43am
MO

This is a copy of BLUEYEDBLONDGIRL post from last week after speaking with he councelor.

My xMM is a narcissist. I don't know how many of your MMs are/were too, but I thought I'd pass on this piece of wisdom I received today from my therapist. I was discussing how it seemed like ever time I backed off a bit from xMM or began to institute NC, he would come flying back into my life full force. Now, during our A xMM never really withdrew from me, the longest time was for a week when he was on vacation w/his W & sometimes he would decrease the amount of time we'd talk/email in a given day, but I know I've read many posts here where MMs go for weeks or months w/o calling/emailing or whatever. Well, according to my therapist, getting dumped/being avoided by their MW or OW is highly painful for the narcissistic MM. Afterall, he is driven by the thrill/validation/ego boost that having sex w/a woman (usually many different women) while still married provides. He can often not comprehend the idea that the woman he so successfully wooed/bedded, etc. would ever want to leave him. He needs it to be his choice. Some MW/OW may see this as MM coming to his senses and realizing how much he's missed them, but in reality it often is simply MM needing to reestablish his control.

I think this explains a lot. So many posts I read are about how MMs come back into OW/MW's lives after the OW/MW have instituted NC or have tried to limit contact. And I think this helps explain why it often appears so "easy" for some MMs to simply end it while the OW/MW is left sad/confused/emotionally drained/hurt.

Well, I just thought I'd pass this on - I thought it was interesting & at least applied to my situation!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2003
Mon, 09-13-2004 - 9:50am
Thank you all so much for your responses. Welp, let's see. This is my phone, but "good memory" to the poster who remembered that stupid cell phone he bought for me during our A! I know this probably sounds like a cop-out, but I really don't want to change my phone number because of all the people who have it. Chalk it up to laziness, but the idea of contacting all the folks who deal with me on this phone number is overwhelming. So maybe I'm entitled to this misery??? Blocking his calls. Hmmmm, that's a good idea. I will look into that.

The thing is, I guess I give him too much credit. I'd like to think that after a 2 year relationship we could exchange pleasantries, you know, "Hi, how have you been?" via text message, but I guess I'm niave. Bottom line, he probably does need to think I'm still hanging out waiting to hear from him.

Let this be a lesson to me: can't be nice, can't be friends. I just need to totally ignore any attempt at contact from XMM!!!!! Thank you all for responding! Love, Mo.

mo 7-18-10