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| Wed, 12-08-2004 - 8:21pm |
Greetings,
I don't know how I feel about this letter I got in the mail today from my xMW. Her honest intent was to return some $ we had all (MW, H, & I) put into a "future" condo/vacation rental. What kills me are her parting words: "I'll miss our tennis, watching our dogs cavort, making dinner. I'll miss you." It's only been 3 weeks of NC, but REALLY, we will never make up.
All I can think is, "BFD & F her." I was there 24/7 and her words about "missing me" are hollow. But I know she doesn't, really, so I'm not dwelling on, "I'll miss you." Honest.
At this minute I'm just talking/typing and I'm well aware that this "nothing" I feel is probably not real and that I may have he11 to pay later as I deal with our 14 yr A that is ending. But I sensed the tone of her letter was--what?--RELIEF. I dunno...
Wish I had more drama to report. Wish I had a question to ask. Well, guess I do: I know she wanted to end the 14 yr A and I didn't. When does the big ol' black vault from the 22nd floor hit me?
--LG

Levi
""When does the big ol' black vault from the 22nd floor hit me?""
Just when you start to feel better if I remember correctly, and I think it was 50 floors.
I know it is hard to understand but that relief she may be feeling is not really about you it is more to do with a reduced weight of guilt on her, when you doing the cheating it can add extra guilt stress on you.
Little comfort but thats the best I got tonight.
Free
Ah yes, LG, the big ol' vault with the Acme logo on the side. I know the very one and as Free so rightly says, it hits just about the time you think you might just get through this pretty much unscathed.
Thing is, you are better prepared than most, LG. You have an idea of what is likely to be coming your way in terms of stages of grief and such like. Most of us (and me included) learned this stuff later after the vault's fall.
You are prepared for the vault's imminent plummet and while you are still going to flinch when it does whomp you straight on the bonce, so you can at least brace yourself for impact.
As CL-NRE wisely pointed out, to a certain extent we do have some control over how long we experience the grief stage cycling process but there is no escaping the process itself. And knowledge is power while self-knowledge & self-awareness are joint rulers. You have the knowledge, LG, and you are oh so wisely gaining self-knowledge & self-awareness in therapy.
In some ways this numbness is the unnatural calm before a storm. You know it's coming, so you are better equipped to be battening down the hatches and boarding up the windows, etc. You're in good shape, LG, as ready as you'll ever be.
If I had any advice, I'd say try journalling your feelings, if you've not already begun doing so and if you're even remotely interested in that kind of thang. It's amazing to look back at my own journals 4mos/5mos ago and then 6mos/7mos ago and see myself grief-cycling for Britain right there in black & white. Incidentally, it's also a great tool for reminding you precisely why you do NOT want to start from square one again...
We're here, LG. Some of us have tried to dodge the vault's path a few times over the years (*cough* erm me again *cough*), but I swear the damn thing has a heat-seeking Posie-homing device lol. The one thing we have in common here is that we've all survived that Acme vault's rapid descent and lived to tell the tale.
Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
LG -
I wish I had some helpful words to offer, but I don't. All I can tell you is that I have spent countless hours asking questions I will never get answers too (How could he just shut off his feelings? What did it mean when he said/did?). When I stopped asking, is when I started to finally feel a little better. It's been 4 months since my A ended and 3 weeks (Friday) of NC. I'm in T and am slowly (VERY SLOWLY) starting to rejoin the land of the living :-)
Posting here has been a savior for me. I have met some wonderful people who have been very supportive. Best of luck on your journey...
Diva
Good morning,
Thanks everyone. I will take everyone's kind thoughts with me to work this morning.
--The calm before the storm? Oh jeeze, that's scary. My T is gonna earn his $, huh?
--A 6 pack of shrinks? LOL. Like all good drunks I understand one is too many and 6 is not enuf.
Cherry-o, off to work. (Whistling while avoiding tall buildings) She'll be comin' around the mountain when she comes...
--LG
LG,
I was a lurker here for the first few couple of months of NC from A it really helped me.
I had to take a break from this board to truly move on finally accept that it is over. I went over to the All Sides forum and got a better prespective of what I had done.
I was only in A for 6 months and still trying to get my life straight I am sure it would be a lot harder after 14 years. Yes I agree with the other ladies here that there is a relief of the stress that you feel when you are in an A when it is over. It took me a lot longer than him to realize it was over since I was the only one trying to contact him emails etc.. When it finally all came down on me so did the relization of what I had done and it was hard to deal with on my own. This board really helped me hearing from others here in the same situation. I am now a whole 4 months NC now and taking it a day at a time. When it finally does sink it come here and post often..
The people here are great and really supportive. Some may have opinions like Frees that tend to be hard to hear.. But after reading many of Frees post on the different boards I have learned that is who she is. I can either read and get angry/upset/put her on ignore or take what I can from her post. So far she hasn't been put on ignore :-)
And to Posie I want to say thank you.. Your advice over these past months has gotten me through some really hard times. You are Great.
Wishing You the Best
Lost
Edited 12/9/2004 10:39 am ET ET by lostnhim