To:Posiepops, mefree, and anyone else

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
To:Posiepops, mefree, and anyone else
2
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:33am
Thanks for your advice. I always welcome good advice. I want to update you on things. I still want to talk to ex-OM. I will try to do that soon. I did talk to a friend of ex-OM that knows about our past EMA. He said that OM has told him things about how he feels about me. Here are some of the things that he said. He said that OM is afraid of his feelings for me. He is afraid that if we get together that he will not make me happy and I will leave him. He is afraid to let himself love me and then possibly lose me. His two wives left him for other men and he is afraid that I will do the same thing. He really got hurt in the last divorce and he doesn't want to go through that again. I was married for 23 years and OM is afraid that I will leave him and go back to my exhusband. He is afraid that my family will come between us because they are prejudice and will never approve of him. He said that I am "different" than the other women in his life. I actually loved him for himself and he knows it. His previous wives and girlfriends loved what he does for them, buying them things, helping them with their bills, etc. They don't love him, they love the fringe benefits, the things that he does for them. He gives his current girlfriend money and helps her with her kids in order to keep her around. He isn't looking to marry her, but he wants to "have someone". He is used to women that he has to provide for. He knows that I am not like that. I love him for HIMSELF. I know myself that he is a very good provider, but he has a hard time being there emotionally because he has been "burned" by previous wives. He doesn't show emotions too well. His friend said that he is so accustomed to women using him and then I come along and love him for himself and he doesn't know how to handle it. I also found out the reason that he won't go to lunch with me in a group of people. He doesn't like seeing me talking to other men. It is painful to him to see me around other men. Like I said, I got all of this information from his best friend. Okay, if this is all true, how do I deal with this? I am basically competing with his fears and I don't know how to do that. I have told him over and over how much I adore him and that I would never leave him. I have tried to reassure him that I love him. I got a divorce in the hopes of being with him. What else is there that I can do? I have done everything that I know to do to show him how much I love him and want him. I am going to try and talk to him about this and see if I can get some answers from him. Any more advice would be welcome.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 10:40am

South

Have the talk, ONE TIME, get this moving a in a clear direction in or out of a open above board relationship or get closure once and for all.

You may have to accept that he may be to damaged to ever be able to sustain a happy stabble adult relationship with a woman.

good luck

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:02pm

Hiya SG,

The thing that leaps out most at me from your posts is something that I used to do myself. Analyse, over-analyse, and then analyse it some more until I came to the answer that I actually wanted.

You also appear to be focusing on what *was* rather than what *is* right now. Right now you are newly divorced and apparently dating your exH while exOM is longer-term divorced and in a committed relationship.

As hard & painfully difficult as it is to picture it, it could just be that exOM's present GF is someone with whom he is happy. He is not married to her, it would certainly be easier to break up with her if he were not happy or fulfilled. I have to say that exOM certainly appears to be doing everything humanly possible to preserve his GF's trust and belief in him despite the fact that you two continue to work together.

Remember, divorces are major life changing events. ExOM may have changed a great deal, SG, but since he himself chooses not share personal information with you directly, you have no way of knowing this or even how he may have changed.

<<>>

Talk to exOM. Perhaps tell him that you have matters to discuss which would not be best discussed in public. If he continues to avoid you, you have an answer, SG. If he DOES take you up on a one on one discussion, then for gawd's sake, woman, lay ALL your cards out on the table!

<<>>

Short of hopping on top of a chair and declaring your feelings for exOM in public, yes, you have. And he continues to maintain his distance, SG. Only exOM knows why he chooses to maintain his distance.

Incidentally, do not think for a single moment that your conversation with his best friend won't and hasn't already got back to exOM himself. If exOM had wanted to act on any of it, wouldn't he have done so?

You are discussing these things with us here and with friends of exOM's but the only person who CAN give you the answers you need is exOM himself.

Have that talk soon, SG, and be sure to listen to whatever it is he has to say to you - Even if it isn't what you want to hear, knowing one way or the other will allow you to begin to move forward rather than continuing to dwell on the past.

Let us know how you get on, poppet.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie