How do you tell you Heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
How do you tell you Heart
9
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 11:54am
I come here and read all these posts and feel that I am no where near the progress all the women here have made. My A ended 6 months ago after five years. He still calls and emails, with the same Blah Blah. I know its over but this time of the year makes me miss him so much. Remembering all the good times we had and the love we shared. My head tell me to forget but my heart aches for him. There is so much that triggers the memories. Songs, movies, places we use to go. How do I get this out of my heart? When will the PAIN stop? Have any of you gone through this even after 6 months? I feel like such a fool. I know I am much better than him and the A was wrong but my heart is still crushed! I just wish the pain would go away. Any helpful comments appreciated.
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:21pm

Hiya HC,

I am now 7mos from the ending of my nearly 4yr affair which also produced my now 2yr old daughter. By my own choice, 7mos ago is the last time I spoke with or had any contact whatsoever with exOM.

In the event exOM wishes to visit our daughter, he speaks with my husband and they'll arrange it between themselves. My relationship with exOM is over, I have no desire to see him nor is there any need whatsoever for me to be present if/when he visits our daughter.

The pain stops when you allow the hopes & dreams of whatever happy ever after you'd imagined to die. You can only begin to move on when you actually accept that it is over. It doesn't matter why it's over, or who said what to whom or when, or what promises were made only to be broken or never fulfilled. As Bria/Capnmit once said so eloquently, "All the good is gone."

You need no one elses' permission to grant yourself closure, HC. Draw a line under it, call it "The End," picture Daffy Duck and his trademarked "Tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!" Doner than a done thing served well-done with lashings of done on the side.

The pain also stops when you figure out what need it is that you believed your ex affair partner was meeting for you and begin to meet this need in yourself *for* yourself. Ask yourself: "What is it about this man that helps me to feel better about myself?" and you have the key (or one of the keys) to your own personal void. This void can only ever be filled by one person on the face of the planet - You.

You'll allow yourself to remain stuck in If-Only-World or what some call Limbo-land as long as you actually want to be there. Or for however long you receive some kind of pay-off for doing so.

Yeah, sure there's a scary-arse freefall after you REALLY let go, HG, but the landing is soft. It also leaves you with an enormous feeling of both strength & peace if you're willing to risk the freefall.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 12:38pm

Dear Heart,
It will be a year for me in January and I still hurt and yes this is the most difficult time of the year. I read the board often and it has helped, but I must admit, I'm still not where I should be. My A lasted almost 3 years and it wasn't my idea to end it, so when it did I was devestated. Granted, I knew all along it was wrong and it wouldn't go anywhere, but I tried to tell myself that the OM was not just my lover, but my friend and we could always share that part of the relationship.

Those hours, days, weeks, months, afterwards, have been extremely painful and still are, but to a lesser degree. It's true that time takes care of some of the pain, but it certainly doesn't wipe it clean and I believe there will always be those little triggers that will cause us to remember. I've tried to put a positive spin on the A by telling myself that I became a better person by realizing how truly wrong it was and how it forced me to realize the gift I had in my H. The truth is, that if the OM hadn't ended it, I would still be involved. So now I tell myself that the OM was the positive force that pushed me in the right direction.

There are days when I wish I could tell the OM those things, those changes that have made me understand why the A was wrong and how he actually helped me understand that, but I don't dare go there. I still hurt and I believe it's the price I have to pay for having the A in the first place. My H doesn't know and he never will; he just loved me through the bad days and the good. There were days where I would just start crying for no apparent reason, and he just held me, thinking I wasn't feeling well, never knowing I was missing the OM. I would never have been as tolerant with him if the situation was reversed.

We learn from our mistakes, or at least we should. I guess that's where I am right now. This is a long and painful road and I haven't reached the end yet, but I've managed to stay on track and you will too. Finding the positives isn't always easy, but they are there. I have had NC for almost a year now but there are still moments in my days when I become weak and want to hear his voice just one more time, I've resisted.

It's not easy being strong in this situation, but you will find a way and this board is so very supportive. I've learned to turn off the radio when I hear that song, it's the only thing that works for me. I did love him, still I always knew that one day the A would have to end but I suppose I never knew how difficult the ending would be. I will always carry a piece of him in my heart, for me, it's really the way I can survive this pain and move on. You will figure out how to cope; we all do, eventually.

Be strong,
grace

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:24pm
Six months ago, you have come a long way - I officially ended my A two days ago and it's killing me. Today I packed up all the stuff that belongs to OW, CD's and whatnot. I don't know how I'm going to get them to her as I cannot deliver them in person and I don't want to risk the mail. If I have to look forward to 6 months of this I'm going to have a major meltdown. I'm talking a Three Mile Island Unit II type meltdown where a 1/3 of the core disintigrates. This sucks, I know!!!! Hang in there. I am telling myself I can survive without this person. I have to. You have made it 6 months. You can make it another 6, and 6 thereafter and so on!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:33pm

i am finding it so hard to move on.

i also new the A would end one day but i never thought it would hurt me soo
much.

i hate to see how he can move on and not feel

they say time heals the heart...

i go day by day and i hope i get to be happy inside one day

upsidedown

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 1:42pm
Yes six months of heartache. It is so hard. I loved this person with everything I had and more. Yes we can survive without them but can we survive the pain and hurt? I struggle everyday, I still miss him and probably always will. Knowing we are not alone really helps. Thanks to all for your replies.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 4:11pm

Hi Heartcrushed,

I do know how you feel, I wrote a letter 2 months after my mm and I broke it off, because I still cared and didnt know where to put all of my emotions, and you are right every song and movie just makes it worse and havent you noticed how much more you here those dang songs!!!! But I let him know that even though it was over that he will always have a special spot in heart. But also remember the ways that he hurt your heart, can he be trusted or are you a comfortable spot for him to fall if something else doesnt work out for him??? But just stay strong cause nobody is can protect your heart like you can
Good luck Onthegochick

P.S when I hear the songs now, (brown eyed girl and you had me at hello) I turn the radio station quik and in a hurry!!:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 4:34pm

Hi Onthegochick,

LOL I do the same thing in the car. I quickly change the station. Thanks so much for you post. I am just having a really bad day. DUH! Whats wrong with me???? I am trying hard but feeling very weak and alone. Well I am going to try and stay busy and fight the urge to contact him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 12:24pm
I'm surprised nobody has said this yet --- it sounds like what is keeping you hanging on is that you don't have pure NC. You said he still contacts you ... is there any interaction (i.e., do you respond)? Can you block him from contacting you so that you don't read his emails, don't get his voicemail, etc.?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 3:37pm

I don't know, sweetie, I wish I did. I've not been able to get him out of my heart in 11 years. The longest we've been without contact has been 4 years, and while it did get easier, it never went away...I can hear his freaking voice in my ear...feel his touch...the worst is to go home and be around places we were together, but even in places I've never been before I can see him there with me. I hear a song, and think of him even if it's something recent that has no ties to him. It sucks.

(((HUGS)))