Regression Mode

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Regression Mode
16
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 8:31pm

So, tomorrow will be 3 weeks w/NC. The last time we spoke was very ugly - we had a huge fight after H called while xOM and I were 'together'.

Anyway, I've been doing pretty good - feeling better everyday - until today. I've been going steadily downhill all day. I heard 'our song' on the radio this morning and before i realized what I was doing, I called him. He answered the phone, in a very cheerful tone and as soon as I heard his voice, I hung up. My cell # is blocked, so he either knew it was me (but can't prove it) or thought it was someone else (I use to be the only person w/ a blocked # who called him).

Anyway, I think hearing his voice is what pushed me over the edge. I've been feeling really crappy ever since then - just missing him and feeling weak. I'm so sick of this. I highly doubt that he has days like this - why should I????

Diva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:02pm

Diva

Way do you have days like this, Withdrawl, it happens in cycles, if you refuse to cave the cycles will get farther and farther apart and less intense over time, it seems to be worse for most women then men, I believe it is because women commit more emotionally to these relationships then men do but that is just an opinion.

Hang on and it will pass they always do if you don't give ground.

YOU CAN DO IT, BELIEVE IN YOURSELF.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:18pm
Diva,
Feeling the same sadness tonight...but getting through it. Hang in there, girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Thu, 12-09-2004 - 9:33pm

Thanks guys! I just feel so weak and pathetic tonight! I HATE THAT!! Why is breaking up an affair so much harder than breaking up when you're single??? G-d this sucks! Why is it so hard to have patience and wait for time to heal the wounds? Why do I still wish I could hear his crappy voice??? UGH!! I know it will pass, but I haven't had one of these days in awhile...I want to know that he has them too. I guess I'll just have to imagine that he does. I'm sure tomorrow will be a better day. I never imagined I make it 3 weeks w/o talking to him, and yet, here I am.

Anyway, thnaks for the support!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 9:40am
I hear you girl~ I have been having alot of crappy days lately too. This time of year doesn't help either. I also have a bad habit of listening to the most heart-wrenching sappy a** music i can find when i'm down, which doesn't help. (i am convinced that every song by Sarah Mcclachlan is about ending an affair)Anyways, I hope things start to cheer up for you as well, it does seem harder to break off an affair when you are married. Especially when you are not trying to let H find out about it in first place. It's like you have had this secret all along and now you have to keep being sneaky even with your pain. I want you to know that you are not the only one that is just longing to hear OM's voice and know that he is thinking and missing you too. But it will start to pass eventually. It has been exactly 3 weeks of me not talking to my OM too, and i think my sadness phase is starting to wane and now i will maybe move into pi#$ed off stage. (i better start listening to different music-Rage against the machine maybe?)
Wish you all the luck, you are not alone!
hugs and kisses
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:06am

Nuttmeg,

Thanks so much for your kind words! That's what I needed this morning. It's just so frustrating when you start to think you are making progress and then you have a setback.

Looks like we started NC on the same day - how ironic is that??

<<>>

I hear ya! I do the same thing! I've been trying to channel a new attitude by listening to rap :-) Let's Go by Trick Daddy has been very helpful!

<<>>

EXACTLY!!!!

<<>>

Is it narrcisistic (sp?) to feel this way?? I hate that he still has that 'hold' on me. I remember when we were together, HE was the one calling me and telling me how much he loved me or missed me. Now I'm the one who's missing him! It sucks!!

Thanks again!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:37am

Diva,

See actually they are the ones who are narcissistic, not us. We are just caring people capable of loving and it's hard to just say "o.k i'm done" and just like that stop thinking about and loving them. I'm glad that i am not SO cold to love that i do feel this pain though. It makes you wonder how men (sorry to sound like such a hater)can just screw around w/ anyone and never really make those emotional ties like we do. I knew when i started talking to him that he was a player, but i was so caught up in all the attention and emails, and believed that he really cared for me,that i never really realized that this day was inevitable and how it would feel to have it be over.. I haven't actually told him that it's done because i am too weak to that damn charming man. All he has to do is sweet talk me and i'm afraid i'm not strong enough to resist.But i am seeing that my H is the only man who
truly cares for me and wants me to be happy not OM, he just wants to use me. Did you actually have a talk w/ your OM and end it? Do you think i should do that or just continue to just stay hidden and hope he will get the hint?

~nuttmeg

p.s. good song by Trick Daddy

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:02am

Nuttmeg -

<<>>

How funny - I was just having this discussion in another post w/ someone else!! xOM told me he was a player - never said I love you to anyone, never missed anyone (I'll see her when I see her was his thing), never wanted to get married - he was the typical confirmed bachelor...until he met me. Can you imagine?? I was the first person he ever said I love you too! (granted, he's only 25, but still!) I was the first person he ever imagined spending his life with (he even told me he thought about our wedding - where, when, what we were wearing!) I think that's part of what is so hard to let go of - knowing I was that special to someone...so how do you just shut that off??

Every day, in every email or every phone conversation, he would tell me how scared he was to be having the feelings he was having. He didn't know how to deal with it and it totally freaked him out because he thought "love" and "one-chickness" was for saps and chick flicks! I really believed that having those feelings for the first time would change him...instead, it just made him go running back to his 'old ways' and turning into even more of a jerk!

<<>>

Yep - well, actually, HE had the talk with ME. He told me that he was tired of hiding our relationship, tired of lying when someone asked him if he was dating someone, tired of going home alone while I went home to my H. He said he didn't understand how I could be in love w/ 2 people at the same time. I guess as hard as the relationship was on me, I didn't realize how hard it was on him too.

Only you can decide what's best for you when it comes to your situation, but I think at some point you will have to deal with it and tell OM how you feel. Be strong - know there is great support here for you and know it is truly the best thing for you and your M.

Luv,
Diva

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 2:59pm

Diva you and I are at the same crappy place. I changed my cell phone number so he cuoldn't call or text me....BUT it took all the strength I had not to call him late last night when i had insomnia..

THEN this morning (my number is blocked too) I called his phone just to see if it would go automatically to voice which it had been before I started NC. It rang and I hung up.

I was out all day running errands (although i was suicidal the whole time) and when i got home I saw that I had an anonymous call on my house phone, no message left I wonder if it was him.

I'm going to a party at the country club tonight, and then Manhattan all day tomorrow. I hope that is enough diversion to hold me over for a while. I"m hurting so badly I can't breathe.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 3:32pm

SCU -

Yep - I'm with ya 100%!! I HATE that I still feel this way. I HATE that he still has this pull on me (even if he doens't realize it).

I got a call on my cell the other day from a blocked # - no message was left, but I spent the day wondering if it was him. I'm so sick of feeling this way!!!

<<>>

I think that says it all.

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 6:23pm
I'm crying as I write this. I wish that I could be transported to the future when this doesn't hurt so bad. I can't wear make up to work because my eyes are swollen from crying. Everyone is asking me what's wrong. I go ahead and tell them that I've been dumped. They give me useless sympathy like..."oh you'll find a man that will love you for you" ..."your future is so bright- you don't need a man"...etc. etc. I cannot tell them the truth about the relationship because it was a huge secret- I don't work directly with him...but he works out of another office and everyone knows him. I lied to my parents about them and told them that he was already divorced. Today- I went ahead and told my mom the truth because I have no one to talk to about this and I have never been more miserable in my life. He sporadically text messages me to see if I'm ok...he only wants to hear that I'm ok...does NOT want to hear that I am not ok. When he calls...I cry or make a sarcastic remark like- "I'm fabulous." I guess that I cannot talk to him anymore. I'm desperately trying to stay away from the phone. I don't know how I got myself into this. I feel stupid and pathetic for opening myself up to anyone...much less someone who wasn't divorced yet....that's not happening now because of his kids. GOD....how can I stop being such a loser? I haven't eaten in 4 days...I'm dizzy...but the thought of eating makes me want to throw up. He was "the one".......well- clearly I can see that he's not now...but how do I get over this?

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