The Unfulfilled Future
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| Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:14am |
Good Morning,
Before everyone gets away for the weekend, I want to bounce a thought off y'all so I can begin working on this. I think I've identified the primary source of sadness regarding the end of the R with MW. I'll try to articulate this the best I can.
I can live without seeing MW today. I can make it easily enuf without seeing her tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. Heck, I'll be fine not seeing for the next 5 years. But what I think I am truly grieving is the fact that there is no longer a future out there for us--I used to think of this as a "Sunset Scene."
Thru about 10 years of our R, I would imagine us together "sometime" in the future. H would somehow just disappear, and MW and I would have our Sunset Scene. (Why wouldn't I think in terms of the future? All of my desires were based on our next rendezvous.) Anyway, the Sunset Scene has been such a prevalent hope for years, and THAT'S what I'm having trouble dealing with and accepting: no future.
Follow me here as I get a little crazy: If I have the Sunset Scene, I'm okay, right? And related to the loss of the Sunset Scene is this: If I do all the work and explore in T why I spent 10 years with a MW, and explore who I am and who I'm supposed to be, I fear that will somehow compound this loss--sick, huh?
So the fear is something like this: If I get "right" in my mind, I lose the Sunset Scene and today that feels like some kind of "memory lobotomy," if you get my drift. To someday be able to hold "warm" memories and be "okay" feels too incongruent.
In other words, over the 10 years with MW I became adept at living without her physical presence; when your GF is married there is no 'here and now' because it's all about tomorrow. But now, letting go of her means letting go of the Sunset Scene.
If you have any nuggets of wisdom for this boy, I'm wide open to any suggestions.
Thx and have a great weekend.
--LG

<<<< But what I think I am truly grieving is the fact that there is no longer a future out there for us--I used to think of this as a "Sunset Scene.">>>>
Because now the hope that has always sustained you, no longer exists. Given time, you will be able to experience many natural, unbinding, take your breath away, sunset scenes that will offer up NEW hopes for your viewing pleasure. Replace lost hope with faith, and you are on your way....
~True~
LG -
I wish I did have some <<>> - I'd use 'em myself :-)
I very much can relate to that thought of the Sunset Scene. My xOM and I were only together for 4 months (I can't imagine if it had been over 10 years!), but I was the first person he ever said I love you to, and the first person he ever imagined marrying. We talked about what it would be like to be together - for real. I think somewhere in my mind, I thought maybe someday...
I wish I had more to offer you aside from my empathy and support...
Diva
LG,
Thank you giving me another perspective. I am so devestated by what is happened and I am finding that it IS because I feel that he took away my future. I had never been with someone that I wanted to have a family with before. We talked about getting married and having a child...I already had a name for her. He was supposed to have already left his marriage a month ago...so I have Christmas presents sitting here that I bought for his daughter. I didn't expect to jump right in with her...I just thought I would be "daddy's friend" at first. I was ready to make HUGE life changes to be with him. And now I have nothing. I can't imagine finding someone else that would make me feel the way he did- so I think that a family is not in my future now. I'm probably getting a little to old to just be starting one now anyway.
I'm sorry that I can only focus on MY pain right now and cannot offer you any advice.
I guess there's no substitute for time (Jeez, that's a line from a John Mayer song- "Split Screen Sadness." Listen to his music if you REALLY want to be depressed.
Crissy
Crissy,
I hear ya. It sux when you're happily committed to a married person and then it all goes south. You feel so dumped, f**ked over, unappreciated, worthless, and sad. I think you have to just get by day by day for a while. But sooner than later Crissy you'll have to face that degrating self talk and make the effort to move to a kinder place.
I think you know, intellectually, that statements about "having nothing" or "getting a little too old" aren't really true, but I understand how you feel right now. Try to illiminate those for the time being.
I know too well that the negative self loathing "voices" can have a firm grip, but I think you'll agree that "finding someone else" isn't really what you care about right now. Try to confront the fact that it has ended and make a plan for healing yourself. Even if you have to take very small steps, do something each day to move along--even if it's merely the slightest step. Maybe tell yourself, "It's over, so for a while I won't listen to depressing music." "It's over, so today I'll take the dog for a longer walk." This Monday will mark one month since I've had any contact with my xMW, so I've started many sentences in my head with, "It's over..." And you know what? I think it has helped me to not fantasize about getting her back--okay, I don't do it as much, but I think it
has helped.
Hang in there, Crissy.
--LG
True,
I'm "open" to what you are saying is correct. I didn't saying I have "faith" because I'm just not there. I don't mind admitting that I'm a piece of work right now, a walking raw nerve, but what you said <> is truly the place of acceptance I am aiming for.
Thx.
--LG
Edited 12/11/2004 10:26 am ET ET by leviguy