Why did I do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Why did I do this
19
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 7:29am
I was just pondering why I/we put our selves through this torment. Someone ask the other day on the board if anyone had ever told the wife. Yes I did. First time I did it after a big fight with MM and he had been very hateful to me. This man put me on a pedestal for 3 yrs. Then he changed,even his wife, friends, business associates said so. I got vendictive and no I dont regret it. After I told her he came crawling back begging me and telling me that he loved me and give him time. For what I wonder to play his game more? I finally ended it 7 weeks ago.I had given MM a choice me or W, his famous last words "give me time". It was kind of funny I kicked him to the curb that day 7 weeks ago and the W told him she was going to file for a divorce the same day. My response when he called me that day was, its got to be a B---h for both of your women to boot you in the same day. Hahahaha. Don't get me wrong, I loved this man to the point I worshipped him. I had to answer some questions for myself to find closure last monday.Oh boy did I find answers. I went to a neighboring town, I know some business associates of his and they spilled it all out, they lost respect for him too. They told me what I suspected which I had warned him stay with W cause I will see to it if you try to play with another woman your W knows. When I had all my info, I called the wife. I found closure. I knew he had cheated on her before but this was way beyond what I comprehended.W and I acually talked like adults. W told me that in the 24 yrs off and on they had been together (she married him 3 times; dumb woman) that I was #16. 16, sweet 16. OMG!!!!!! I said 16 that you knew about what about the other 900. We laughed and talked, I told her who the other woman is, where she lives, works, her husbands name. I gave W circumstances she couldnt deny. Like who, what when where, times dates when I was working that he would have had to have told me.W tried to get me to take him. I told her noway was I going to pickup her trash. While we were talking I got a call, it was Ms # 17, LOL I 3 wayed the call and W was listening. BUT the kicker was, when #17 called not only was I talking to W but #17's hubby was standing there listening. Yes I went to him too. She was yelling and talking about he was hers and what they had been doing, yes I egged her on to get her to spill it. Oh yes, wife, her hubby and I got all the crude graphic details of what they had been up to. Hahaha talk about a dummy!!!!. This went on for 14 minutes and I finally hung up on her. He was at a place of business with her. Now imagine the looks on their faces when all 3 of us walked in. Me. hubby. and W. I didnt say but a few words I just looked at them, then directly at him and said "Gotcha" and laughed. Understand I am not like these people but his W is a big boned woman(not really fat) she walked in, straight to him and said get your a** to the house and get your clothes but leave walking cause that truck is in my name. Hahah god I love it!!! then she walked up to #17 and punched her out, no more like beat the crap out of her. #17's hubby looked at her, laughed and told her to walk where she had to go but not home and walked out got in her SUV and drove off. After W got through with them, she looked at me and said now that we have took out the trash you ready to go. We both looked at him and walked out together. I got my closure, I gave him back all the hurt he put me through. I don't want him now or never.This man broke my spirit, self confidence, tore my life apart so I believe in giving as good as you get. Sometimes revenge is sweet!!!! I know it was for me. But ladies, if you try this, let there be no doubt what you have is facts he can't deny, have all your facts together before you drop the bomb of payback.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:38am
Sounds like a Jerry Springer episode. You should give him a call....

~True~


 

 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 8:39am

Hiya jrspeach,

<<>>

I think you answered your own question when you said "Sometimes revenge is sweet!!!!"

<<>>

The fact of the matter is this man did nothing YOU did not permit, enable & encourage. This man actually did nothing that YOU didn't also do to his wife. Or even to Ms #17.

Come to think of it, rather than having the balls to deal with it yourself, you sicced the man's poor wife (who after being little more than an obstacle for 3yrs) you suddenly deemed useful enough as a tool to wreak revenge on MM as well as on Ms #17 (at whom you unkindly laugh & describe as a "dummy") who in reality was only doing exactly as you had done for the 3yrs previous.

How sweet is that revenge now?

<<>>

Your closure seemingly came at the cost of harming others by adding to MM's wife's already long list of OW and effectively destroying Ms #17 who could very well have been any of the posters here or on the My Affair boards.

In reality, MM will most likely simply continue racking up the notches on his bedpost and his poor wife will continue putting up with it for whatever reasons she herself consciously chooses to do so, and Ms #17 you've humiliated but perhaps did her the unexpected favour of sparing her your own fate.

If I've learned nothing else from the painful ending of my own nearly 4yr affair, it's that we give ourselves closure, jrspeach. No one has to give us permission to gain closure nor do we have to take it with force.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:10am

Posie,

You ask .....How sweet is that revenge now? Just as sweet as it was the day it happened!! Yes I allowed my self to be played, yes I may have encouraged it, I listened to all his promises and lies. I gave up things, people in my life to trust his lies, believe in him, stood up for him. What did he give back? Nothing but more lies! What has he given to any woman (now that I know the truth) Nothing! You would have to know this wanna be man. I was to close to him to see him for what he was. When I got away from him I opened my eyes. His wife isn't hurt she laughed at him and we are still talking. This is the same stupid man that before I did this would call my ex who I am going through a divorce and have been for 2 yrs and talk the same to him and gloat that he had me and ex-H didnt. As for Jerry Springer----bring it on---W, ex-h, #17's H and I will be on 1 side they will be on the other!!! This man reeked havoc on my life. I kicked him to the curb when I found what a low life dog he is. I didnt bother to say before how #17 had been calling acting like an idiot telling me he was hers now even before monday night and since like I care. I had told this man many times when he would call to stop #17 that I didnt care, this is his style, he gets off on women fighting over him. He wants me to but I am fighting to stay away from the liar. Both of their spouses this week have filed for (D). MM now due to "he loves me" ummm hmmm, has kicked 17 to the curb. Both of them are out on the street with nowhere to go. Oh by the way I am still in my home, and driving my new car they were both kicked out walking. Both of their spouses have asked me to testify, his W is taking him to the cleaners. I will be there with bells on that you can bet. If you had a clue what I lost believeing in this dog then you would understand. My children are adults, after my pending D was in process I stood up for him to my children. I put all my faith in him and his lies. As his W put it he is a compulsive liar. I learned the hard way in life, I learned I never want to play this "Love" game again. He caught me at a low point in my life.What right does these men have to come into our lives and destroy us. Yes I contributed, yes I left myself wide open, yes I was gullible, yes I did all you said. Affairs are wrong, Period. We...me,you and the next one has no right to be in the middle of another womans marriage. As for humiliating Ms #17, she did that to herself same as I did.She knew he was married, she knew that he and I had been together for 3 yrs. What angered his wife so was #17 tried to act like her friend just to get to be places with him. He wouldn't let me go, I had tried for months but I loved him and he yanked on my heart strings and kept me there. As for your words "at the cost of harming others", who is harming others? He is, he jumps from one woman to another. He is destructive to every life he touches.As for #17 according to her hubby she is historical for such. I may and may not be through, I am going on with my life without him but if he and #17 dont stop the games then I have another ace up my sleeve. The IRS unless as W says she dont beat me to it. If he will go on with his life, #17 go on I will if not I will continue to destroy him as he did me. I am angry yess I am, I trusted him, I'm hurt and i tried to moveon like he didnt exist, he couldnt tolerate that he and #17 had to keep digging into tearing my heart down further. Because he knew I loved him so and he thrives on hurting people. As for his poor wife, she thinks he is a joke too, it is purely a financial situation with her.When I had enough of his tactics I kindly returned the favor. Don't condemn me until you have walked a mile in my shoes. Tell me who on this board as you put it hasn't as you put it "sliced some mans poor wife by having an affair with their husband, going on some poor man's wife's territory and as you put it been little more than an obstacles as you said. I believe you fall uner the same category. I thought this board was a place to go to vent frustration from where we had been and what we had done and put ourselves through. All of us did the same as far as slicing some "poor man's wife" when we had affairs with their husbands!!! You Posie are in no position to throw stones at anybody you did it to some "poor man's wife" too by being with her husband.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 10:56am

Peach

I hope you don't mind me saying so but you really need to put that hunk of garbage out of your life, the longer you let him influence your life with his crap the more he will continue to poison your life, you can't handle toxic waste with out getting sick from it and this guy is purely toxic.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:13am
Free, you are right he is toxic, I didnt realize how much and couldn't see it until I got away from him.I loved him so much I didn't want to believe he was like he is. I still have a hard time and cry because I let this person into my life. Maybe I souldn't have retaliated on him like I did but he knows now that I am the one person that he has crossed in his life that won't take his crap. I have shut the door on that chapter of my life and will never open myself up to this kind of pain again. I have always been told in life that a person like him will hang themselves if given enough rope. The way I see it he kept on until he got enough rope I just was the one that pull the floor out from under him. I'm hurt and hurt bad by this affair, I destroyed myself believeeing in him. In a sense I am grieving myself to death. I dont sleep, eat, or get out I just work come home and hide. Like I said before, I love him but I don't want that trash in my life, I just need time to heal if he will stop his tactics and leave me alone.
Free, I retaliated on Posie on the board because I have read, read, read, responses to myself and others from her, she has some sacriligeous views that everybody on the board is a horrible person for having an affair with a married man. I believe she lived in a glass house too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:42am

Peach your hurt and your angry who wouldn't be.

The only question that remains is what your going to do to start on the road of healing.

I for one am a firm no make that a rock solid believer in total enforced no contact, enforced by what ever means are required as the only way to get on that road.

I believe the only way to break the emotional bonds/chains that your in is to No contact with time, it will not be quick and it will not be easy but it is I believe the only way out of this the only way to start having a real life again.

It is clear that this guy is a very sick individual see him as such, just a pathetic shell of a man dead on the inside and stay away from him because it may be catchy.

Be well

Free

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:52am

Hiya jrspeach,

<<>>

Lemme guess, you expected honored promises, truth, fidelity from someone you were fully aware was happy to break promises, lie and be unfaithful. Hello? What's wrong with this picture, jrspeach? Do you need to be paged on the Clue Phone? If he will do it FOR you he will almost certainly do it TO you...

You don't seem to grasp the concept of `people will treat you exactly how you allow them to treat you.' If you permit someone to treat you disrespectfully, you lose the right to be surprised when they do. It's pretty much a no-brainer that a married man's priorities do not lay with his OW (no matter how many) since no matter what he says or how tragic a picture of his marriage he paints the fact is he chooses to remain married.

<<>>

This is the same man you wasted a great deal of time & energy on attempting to destroy because you were hurt he was dogging you with someone other than his wife. Last time I checked, two wrongs still equalled two wrongs.

<<>>

Why fight it? It's destiny. You two deserve one another... Perhaps your new chum, his STBXW, will be your Matron of Honour?

<<>>

This must be a source of enormous pride for you. Perhaps a new outfit for the hearings?

<<>>

He took nothing you did not give freely in hopes of whatever pay-off you desired. Your arse is bent out of shape because it's not panned out how you wanted, he did not leap through the required hoops in a timely enough fashion for you, so you dragged other people in to do your dirty work. You want high-5's, "Go-sista's" and back pats for this?

<<< Affairs are wrong, Period. We...me,you and the next one has no right to be in the middle of another womans marriage.>>>

Yep. Yet we both of us managed to turn it in our own heads so that it was ok to take a pass on the ole Golden Rule ("do unto others as you would have other do unto you"). You took this a step further and decided to punish everyone involved who didn't fall in with your happy-ever-after plans and are now apparently gloating about having done so.

<<>>

So effectively, you judged, sentenced and punished Ms #17 for your own crimes. Interesting. And seems to prove the oft-thrown about theory that what we hate most in others is what we hate in ourselves.

<<>>

So, you as avenging angel, decide to protect MM's wife from Ms #17. The time to be protecting MM's wife would have been before you started boinking him for 3yrs when it served her needs rather than your own.

<<>>

So your legs were broken & the tyres on your wheelchair were flat and you just couldn't escape, or maybe you were bound & gagged so that you were physically unable to block MM's phone numbers, remove MM from your email & IM addresses, etc. or maybe he held a loaded firearm to your temple to force you into complying with his evil whims... Hello? You made a choice to continue the affair, it didn't pan out so you spanked him and everyone else you could find who might feel some pain with you.

<<>>

You did. By making the decision to have & continue an affair and then by spanking him publically & dragging everyone down with you to share in your pain, as I mentioned above.

<<>>

Nope, he's actually only destructive to those of us who lack the self-worth & self-respect to tolerate whatever brand of cackapookie he dishes out. Emotionally healthy people instictively give this geezer the full body-swerve.

<<>>

Again, you've tried, convicted and punished Ms #17 for your own crimes. You had 3yrs history, how would you punish yourself?

<<>>

If he doesn't matter anymore, jrspeach, why all the fuss & bother about punishing him if he doesn't do with his life as *you* wish? Imagine what that kind of results HALF the effort into all this revenge malarky would produce if only it were focused on working on yourself! The only person on the face of the planet we can truly control is ourselves, jrspeach, and it's enormously liberating when you finally realise that. Think of all the extra added hours of the day when you only ever have to think about controlling your own actions lol!

<<>>

I hear that you are angry and hurt. I've BTDT, and can only be dragged down further by persisting with any thoughts of trying to control or exact revenge upon exMM. Heal you, jrspeach, and let the karma train whack his nasty arse.

<<>>

That is, of course, her perrogative and she does, after all, know him best. Don't bank on the divorce either until the ink is dry on the decree absolute.

<<>>

Ah, little misunderstanding here. Let me explain:- the term I used was "sicced" as in to command an watch dog to attack. I'd say the majority of us *considered* telling the affair partner's wife/husband in hopes of whatever pay-off we wanted, though few of us have actually done more than think about it. We all of us betrayed someone, be it our own spouses or our affair partners' spouses and most of us objectified/depersonalised the betrayed spouses. Few of us used them as a tool to wreak revenge upon our affair partner and their OOW/OOM.

<<>>

No stones, just injecting a little reality check in hopes others aren't motivated to willfully harm others. Small niggly point here, but I was the married one.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 11:58am
Free,
I have enforced the NC thing. I've changed my home and cell numbers, e-mail address, I stay away from anywhere I think he may be. I have to the pain of seeing that very sick individual pathetic shell of a man and knowing that I subjected myself to that is to hard on me. Now tonight I have got to be at a place I know he may show up and in a way it may be good. After our breakup he called one morning during the conversation he said "you were waiting on me to call wasn't you." Yeah right--ok pal think that. He thinks I am wallowing in tears, I was but not anymore. I have been encouraged by friends that will be there to go and act happy whether i am or not. To get out and if he is around ignore him and show him that I have a life too and not pinning away for him. I think I may go even though I will come home and cry for what I thought was and for lowering myself to that. What do you think? Do you think that maybe getting out being with people who do care about me and showing him even through word of mouth that I am alive and well and his game didn't tear me apart
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 12:30pm

jrspeach

I mainly lurk but had to post on this message because what you did was solely for your own benefit it was never about anyone but you. If all will go back and read her messages you will notice that in every sentence she included was always experessed that " I " this and " I " that, Which was her so it was only about her not anyone else. How selfish.
JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2004
Fri, 12-10-2004 - 1:17pm

<<>>

I expect nothing nor want anything from this toxic lying pathetic man. Truth? He doesn't know the meaning of the word. I don't need a clue for anything I got the picture...

<<>>

Did you forget, I dumped him, he lost my respect, so he should have been surprised now should he when as you put...If he will do it FOR you he will almost certainly do it TO you...So I did it to him.As you said "he chose to be married" yes he did, but his wife has chose not to be....you said Why fight it? It's destiny. You two deserve one another... No I passed him on I deserve better.

<<>>>
It panned out as I wanted it to, I did not drag other people in to do my dirty work I take full credit for everything I did to him... as for pats on the back... his W gave me that.....Remember that "poor wife".

<<>
As I said the W is patting me on the back, I will be happy-ever-after when I see him as down as I am. Yes I am gloating I took notes from him, I had a great teacher....

<<>>

Yes I did judged, sentenced and punished Ms #17 because I loved this man so much as for punishing her for my own crimes...no I do enough of that to myself. As for hate...thats a strong word...I do hate but not others but myself....

<<>>

No I am not the avenging angel, I and W agrees that I was showing her that he was continuing his pattern. What you don't have a clue of is this man showed me divorce papers from his wife, said they were business partners now, they have been married 3 times and the third according to his wife was not the charm. I was completely in love with him when I found out he was married to her. At that point my heart wouldn't let go.

<<>>

He needed spanking in public but I didn;t do it his wife did..I just was there to witness it and yes to glory in it...seeing her the wife drag him down and share my pain....And?

<<>>

I'm punished everyday, I loved him, I made excuses for his behavior, my adult children seen in him what I couldn't as I was blinded to what he was, so don't go there about punishment....my children are gone in my life because I believed in him..

<<>>

So just because there was no wife involved in your affair then what you did to your hubby was ok? Talk about self rightous. In your profile you said achievement I'm most proud of
Discovering the true value of unconditional love & surviving this long to raise a daughter who is beautiful inside & out. Judge Posie I hope your daughter doesn't find out that you were once a liar and a cheater, I hope you are not doing to her the things you do to the people who come to this board to find comfort. Heaven forbid that child ever makes a mistake in her life because YOU the master judge and jury will condemn her for life. That will be coming from the same person who has been there and done that as in being a lie and cheater...I know the true value of unconditional love, that is the love I feel for my children and I will build back their love and respect...

Also in your profile.. topics to ask me for advice on
"Oh anything - If I can help, I will help"
Judge Posie I don't recall asking your opinion on anything....Who are you along with the rest of us (no offense other ladies) liars and cheaters to throw stones at me....You are trying to do the same thing to me here that I did to him...It's not working..I still am proud of crucifying that dog and #17.For all the OW in his life I don't care...from everything you have written, other post you have written to, I wonder, seems to me that you are a woman that may have been the wife of a dog like this... Stop coming on this board and kicked down the ones of us that are hurt and been beaten down by men we were/are in love with...they have inflicted enough pain on us. Some can't emotionally take your tactics, I can, I'm good at retaliation. Want lessons? My breaking contact with him is a done deal now. As for the ones that come here and your warning of others aren't motivated to willfully harm others. What about the harm they do to us? (that was for others not you Judge Posie) We certainly don't need your opinion. As you said if they will do with you they will do it to you...As I told wife I don't want the life she has always had. I was just returning his own self rightous games...So far he has tucked his tail and decided that he can't beat me at his own game of retaliation but anytime he wants to interferr in my life again I will be ready for round 3.....I don't want him back. I want him right where he is out of my life, but that doesn't stop the pain. Now then Don't respond to anymore of my post Judge Posie, I came here to this board to vent and find comfort for the pain I have been through..not to be belittled by someone who is no better than my lying cheating (how do you say it?) arse!!!

Ended my affair,
Peach

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