need help with my last mail to him pls

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
need help with my last mail to him pls
13
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 7:05am

My closing letter for him, how does it sound is it too too long??? help//

hi

The idea of having someone is so that i can fall back on him when i need him.. to talk, discuss problems or even have fun with..which doesnt hapen here ..you being always too busy for me or not in the mood or wahtever.. yes you are that way and wont change, i am not asking you to change or asking you for anything no more.. you can keep your narcissistic ways to yourself or choose someone elses feelings to play around with i dont give a damn either ways.

this kind of relationship is not what i am looking for, we just dont
see eye to eye and it makes no sense honestly speaking
.. we will survive it, you have many friends who are anyways more imp than me and i have my family and friends who will see me thru. i made u an imp part of my life, but i cannot sacrifice my self worth for you. i am much too special for that, to others who really care about and cherish me. i will not risk things for ur sake anymore, considering that i always get the short end of the stick where you are concerned.

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 9:23am

Hiya Trish,

I'm not sure if you caught this recent thread about last letters to MM but there are some helpful pointers there. Here's the link to save weeding through the posts:-
http://messageboards.ivillage.co.uk/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlending&msg=14937.1&ctx=128

Know that I've written umpteen bazillion "It's over" emails over the course of nearly 4yrs and the only ones that ever worked were short, to the point, and focused on setting my boundaries. Having had so much practice (we were very on again/off again), I probably perfected the art of "ending" emails. The letters were right, it was just in rigorously maintaining the boundaries that I'd set in those letters that I'd stunk!

Remember, he was there, Trish. He knows what was said & when, what promises were made & broken, and you've no doubt expressed whatever it is you've needed/wanted from the relationship. If he wasn't interested in accomodating your requests then, well, then no amount of bringing them up now is going to make a blind bit of difference. It might feel good, but it's not going to achieve an ending or bring you any sense of closure.

It's easy & exceedingly tempting to let loose with the accusations, let them know in no uncertain terms that we are hurt and the explain why. If what you want is to end the affair, it's counterproductive to give in to these temptations. It's wiggle room. It's leaving the door ajar rather than firmly closed.

Examine *why* you wish to end this, too, Trish. You certainly wouldn't be the first to end things in order to prompt a desired response in the affair partner (ya wouldn't because I've certainly done it and I know full well *I* wasn't the first either!). My affair relationship was one of break-up to make-up again. We did this to each other for nearly 4yrs. I finally ended it when I actually meant what I said rather than wishing to force a response or making-up session.

Closure is something that we give ourselves. We do not need anyone elses' permission or authority to obtain it. Really. Draw a line under it, call it "The End," picture Daffy Duck stuttering "Tha-tha-tha-that's All, Folks!" and start moving forward rather than looking back. It really is that simple. YOU decide, Trish. YOU have the power and if you gave that power away, it's yours to seize back and use anytime you want to do so.

Again, it's great as a first draft, and something which you might want to hang onto since it expresses what you *feel* more than what it is that is going to happen.

Bearing all the above in mind, if you had to condense it into three or four sentences, what would you say?

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie
Edited for glaring typo's and grammo's...




Edited 12/12/2004 9:34 am ET ET by posiepops
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 9:47am

You know what Posie? This is about the 6th 'its over' mail I have composed to him over the past 2 years ( the rest have been sent ofcourse to him )and each time its got shorter so can you imagine the lengths of the earlier ones? yes you are right, they left room, and he replied back and finally we always got back because i relented and it was back to square one for me. All the times that I made the decision to say bye for the last time, through letters like these, its never worked becasue i let him back into my life and my head.. so strong am i huh ... :-(

Read through the string of posts from the link you sent and wow i loved the mail you composed, i will use some of it in my final mail, lot of editing to happen in the letter to him now.. hope you dont mind me quoting from your draft a bit.

Thanks Posie, looks like I am goign through the same process you did some time ago and since you have made it I am sure I will too.. now back to the draft board. To make it short and to the point..

Hugs
Trish

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 10:18am

Hiya Trish,

<<>>

The thing is, you are actually incredibly strong. If you're anything like me, you simply choose not to exercise that strength until you are damn good & ready...

<<<...hope you dont mind me quoting from your draft a bit.>>>

Not in the least, it's why it's there as well as an example of wiggle-room free ending letter writing.

<<>>

Think of it this way, Trish, you are far smarter/wiser than I was since you're going through this stage at 2yrs where it took me almost double that!

<<>>

Remember that the easier portion of this exercise is writing the letter, the hard part is enforcing the boundaries which you set in that letter.

Remember, too, that YOU have the power to end this if that is what you truly want to happen. Until you do, you won't.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 10:42am

<>

Posie, these words are so true and I think that is why I falter. I can honestly say that I DO NOT want this to be the end. That's why it's so hard for me to stick to my boundaries and always allow for that "wiggle room." I know that probably makes me a horrible person, but ya can't dispute emottion. That's how I feel. I'm on this board because I had no choice but to end it. He ended it. Now, I do realize that I ABSOLUTELY DO want the "affair" part to be over!!! But not the life we were supposed to have together. I still long for it. I know it will never happen, and I'm trying to accept that. But want it? I'm trying not to, but I still do. I hope that doesn't mean I'm gonna cave. It's been 5 days with NC. I'm feeling good that I haven't tried to contact him. I feel like it's giving me back some power that I lost. Now just convince me that it's best not to give in when he contacts me. I guess I'm so afraid of giving up something that "just might eventually be". I know I sound pathetic. I'm having such a hard time letting go of hope. I think I need some drugs!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 11:33am

Posie hi..
I sent the letter, and the minute i clicked on SEND.. i felt this sense of relief coursing through me. It was like I have never felt before. Then, amazingly, 10 mins later, i went into my room and cried for about 5 minutes, pretty bitterly. A clash of emotions but the relief factor even now holds more than the feeling of loss.

Now, the letter was real short and to the point, 4 sentences not more.

He will respond , or maybe out of a sense of pride and to nurse his ego which is unimaginabely HUGE he will not reply. But I will not reply to his reactions. This is final for me, I know it is this time. And the minute i feel I am going backwards or regressing I am going to post before doing anything foolish like I did last time. That will get me out of it!! :-)

Its going to be hard I know, but this time I have made up my mind. He is not going to rule me anymore..
A big thank you for getting me through this one.. and it feels good to know that I am strong :-) thanks for that vote of confidence
Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 12:32pm
trish - I am in process of ending my R with OW. I have never felt this way about anyone b/f but it was going nowhere and I was losing my mind. I sent the "that's it" e-mail last Tues. I asked her not to contact me but she did anyway b/c we both have some possessions of each other we needed to return. Like an idiot I met with her, but in a way I'm glad I did b/c now she knows exactly how I feel as I got to express myself in person. As long as you have conveyed this to xOM, there is little else you can do. You can't make someone want to be with you. This is so hard, I know. If your going through anything like I am, you know your life cannot continue in limbo land with someone else in the driver's seat. Stay strong - there is much to life we tend to ignore in these situations including other fantastic people who are out there waiting for us or spouses that really do care. Don't lose sight of that or your self worth. Fight the good fight - if the Orks keep on coming, keep cutting off their heads. Sooner or later, you will prevail, just don't put down your sword. (If you didn't understand that - it's from Lord of the Rings. If you haven't seen these movies, I highly recommend it b/c the underlying theme is never give up hope and in the end, you WILL win.)
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 12:51pm

Hiya Pal,

<<>>

How do you supposed I learned these truths? ;)

<<>>

Then sending an ending letter, no matter how perfect, is pretty pointless, isn't it? Why set more boundaries if they have no meaning? Think long & hard about this question, there *is* a reason.

<<>>

Not a horrible person, no. But think long & hard about about another question:- What is it about this man that helps me to feel good about myself? There is an answer, sometimes several, and you desperately need to work this one out, Pal. Until you identify your own particular void, whatever it was that you sought to fill by using MM as some kind of giant bandaid, you have no hope of beginning to fill it. Or move on.

<<>>

Accepting the end of a relationship is an act of respect and shows love even when it means enduring our own losses. Many of us say we love our affair partners - How many of us love them enough to think of their (and their familys' and our own family's) needs rather making it all about our own pain?

<<>>

Good, what do YOU intend to achieve that goal?

<<>>

This is about what you want, rather than what he needs or wants. He was a symptom of your trying to fill that emptiness. It's YOUR void, Pal, not his. And there's only one person on the face of the planet who can identify & fill it and that person is YOU.

<<>>

Only you can guarantee that you won't cave, Pal. Only you will be able to enforce those boundaries. Only you know whether those boundaries so carefully set are worth the paper or bandwidth on which they were sent.

<<>>

Good stuff. You're still alive & kicking, ain't ya?! Any power you felt you lost or was taken from you, in reality you only ever gave away. It was always there, you simply hadn't chosen to use it in awhile. Get used to feeling it, it's yours and it doesn't go away. Use it wisely since it can and has hurt others in the past.

<<>>

Nope, no one can convince anyone of anything they don't want to do. My days of manipulation and control are over, and gladly gone. If you want to do this you will, and if ya don't ya won't. No one can do this for you. Expecting anyone else to pick up my slack has invariably resulted in my screwing up royally. I won't do that to you or anyone else.

<<>>

Hope is the last thing to die, poppet. It will only die when you let it. What exactly might "eventually be," Pal? You might win the consolation prize rejected by the woman he consistently chose over you? A lying, cheating, manipulator who is obviously ready willing & able to put his selfish needs before the safety, love, trust, belief & security of those he professes to love? Not such a prize, really, is it? Dodged a bullet there.

<<>>

Ahhh, but didn't we choose to self-medicate when we stuck MM's against our wounds like giant bandaids? Perhaps, just perhaps, we need to figure out what our wound is so we can begin treating it in order that it may heal rather than simply covering it over and allowing it to continue festering... Just a thought...

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 1:04pm

Hiya LV,

Oh, I'm a loooong-time LOTR fiend. Junior High saw me reading it for the first time. I've re-read it over & over at various different points in my life and there is always something relative specifically to whatever issues I am experiencing, wherever I am on my own journey through Middle Earth.

If you dare, go back and read what I consider the "real" love story of the book - The relationship between Eowyn & Faramir. Until Eowyn understands herself, gains self-awareness and lets go of the hopes for the unobtainable and already-committed (!) Aragorn, Eowyn isn't able to love someone who is available to her and who loves her for who she is.

Is there not a great deal of Tirith Dernhelm in all of us, regardless of gender?

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 2:38pm

Hey Posie,

Yes, the journey through Middle Earth has many turns and many surprises. This board has been a huge help. Really, there many things that are gender independent. I have really loved someone for the first time in my life (this includes STBXW) and I lost her. I feel the loss like everyone else. I beat myself up b/c she chose someone else over me and when you look at the comparison, there is no comparison. There is no logical reason for it, but I must accept it. I have played the part of yo-yo in limbo land and the fool who keeps coming back for more.

I look at myself and Eowyn and see many similarities, except maybe one, and that is my AP chose to be with me for some reason at one point, but now she doesn’t and I must let go of that hope she will return (the hope and visions that Arowen always had). Have been through all this, one can oh so relate. I guess I will get my chance to slay the Nasguil and regain my composure. It’s hard to believe any one person can take you over and run your life like that. Why do we let them do it?

I guess the only thing I would want to tell Eowyn is to make sure she is not “settling” for Faramir and that he is not just a re-bound guy lol! She’s pretty smart though and I think she did her homework on this one. Thanks for your reply and peace to you as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sun, 12-12-2004 - 8:39pm

Hi Voyage
Yours is the first post I read on waking up this mornign, feeling a bit lost, a bit blue, a bit happy for having ended it finally, mostly mixed emotions as to how I was going to go through the day.

Your post made me start thinking positive and feel strong again to face the day..

~~~If your going through anything like I am, you know your life cannot continue in limbo land with someone else in the driver's seat.~~~

this is exactly what I went through, totally in a limbo with him doing all the controlling on his side, telling me that that was his way and that he never changes.. i feel such a fool sometimes u know :-(

~~~Stay strong - there is much to life we tend to ignore in these situations including other fantastic people who are out there waiting for us or spouses that really do care.~~

My spouse would do anythign for me, I have realised that now, with him i feel truly cherished. He would take the stars out of the sky for me.. and stop the rain from falling if i asked him to... ( if you have heard that song "You to me are everything" )

Thank u voyage, and best of luck to you and happiness in ur life too
Trish

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