Anniversary...fights...and regressing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Anniversary...fights...and regressing.
9
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 12:02am

It has been a stressful weekend. First, after trying so hard and making strides, H decides to be a jerk yesterday...just out of the blue, in front of some of my friends. We were at their house, and they were moving some furniture, and I asked him to help us (I have a very bad back) and he said he didn't come over to move furniture, and started yelling at me! He later apologized, but it was our anniversary, and needless to say things were very strained over dinner. He resorted back to his non-communicative behavior, then when we came home, tried to tell me he loves me (when it was time for bed, of course.) I was so mad. This is the kind of behavior that made me open to xOM. I kept trying to forgive him today and not harbor those destructive thoughts. I'm wondering, those of you still with your husbands, how hard is it to mend things? We had been doing so well, then we regressed almost back to square one. In a way, I felt that I deserved his terrible behavior. But that's the mindset that tolerated it in the first place, and I can't go there again. I've come too far.

Then I ran into xOM today (very bad timing) at the grocery store. (To update: This week, after the anger and the fury at his antics, we talked, and we've been civil to each other, even friendly but never inappropriate, acting the last couple of days the way I think we would have been if we had never acted on our feelings in the first place.) The strangest thing happened...when we saw each other, he shook my hand and told me my hands are cold and held my hand for a second between both of his. Then it was like we realized what we were doing and both pulled our hands away, very awkward. We talked for a minute, then he reached out and put an arm around me (he calls it a "one-arm hug,") and without thinking, I hugged him back, a little too tightly. At the time, I just honestly felt glad to see him and that we weren't tearing each other's eyes out. Afterward, I was so mad at myself. Then it gets worse.

Later tonight, on my way home after church, I looked over and in the lane next to me, there he was. He was on the phone and I don't think he saw me. Next thing I know, I'm picking up the phone to call. I dialed. He answered on the first ring. We had a pleasant, friendly, chat about work related things, then I told him I am moving away. He was quiet for a minute, then he told me to enjoy the opportunities ahead and commented that "God sometimes just drops these things in our laps." I fought the urge to tell him H and I are fighting again. At least I kept my stupid mouth shut on that subject.

Then I did something really stupid. When I got home, I sent him a vague email that basically said I would have stayed if things had worked out differently (without saying specifically what, I'm sure he knows but that I wish him well and that maybe things will be different someday.

I honestly felt as though we have moved to a place where we can be...I don't know if the word is "friends," but something to that effect. I probably screwed everything up by my email. I do think perhaps he is seeing someone...even though I was told that the girl I saw him with and the perfume I heard him calling about were a smokescreen...not sure if I believe that...but that doesn't matter, anyway, because an A is out of the question.

I guess after feeling so upset at my H I am wondering if I made the right choice. I guess I selfishly hope that if my marriage does fall apart that xOM will wait around for me and be waiting with open arms. But that is a selfish, unloving thing on my part. I think I'm just having a bad weekend.

Don't know if I need a kick in the head, a hug or a massage. A massage sounds good. A pedicure, too. :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 9:17am

Gal

All you need is a reality check.

Couples fight and that means happy ones, husbands get stupid and rude so do woman, you have to decide that your not going to accept unhealthy ways of dealing with the resulting stress and emotions, don't let your reflexes and emotions do your thinking for you.

You created a bad habit of turning to XMM when you and hubby have a hard day your going to have to create a better habit of dealing with your problems head on with your husband rather then running away and being angry at him that does not work for you.

Mending things takes time, you have to make decisions to forgive it is not something you try to do you do it or you don't it is a DECISION and not a one time decision.

Gal start addressing the problems head on, look your husband in the eye and tell him what he did wrong and how it makes you feel, no shouting or mimicing him just the blunt truth.

Keep your focus were it belongs STOP RUNNING AWAY.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 10:44am

I agree with MeFree.....

Many people fall into affairs because they are conflict avoiders. It's easier to run to the person that says, "there there now," or desparately needing that momentary "fix" instead of directly facing the source of anger or frustration,(their spouse). SO MANY affairs (for women) begin this way, running a close 2nd to the first big reason, which is lack of attention. "I get no attention at home. Boo Hoo. Poor me." So, go have an affair and this is what you ALSO get:

STD's
Pregnant
Discovered and disowned, and/or
Divorced

How fun :(

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 11:48am

I appreciate the advice...however, I did try to talk to my husband about it. He does not want to talk about problems...he blows up and then tells me everything is fine when it isn't. He made a big scene at my friend's house then stormed out without speaking to me. That evening, over dinner, I tried to make him look at me, and I did tell him exactly how I felt. He dismissed it and belittled me by shrugging his shoulders and saying that he "knows his role." He said, "All I have to do is agree with everything you say no matter what I think." This from a man who has tried to control me our entire marriage, choosing my clothes for me, alienating my friends, spending our savings without my knowledge, run up debt behind my back, etc. Everything is fine if he gets his way, but since I have started opening my mouth and demanding respect, he doesn't know how to deal with me. He tells me I am selfish and don't care about him if I do anything for anyone but him (hence the argument over helping my friend move furniture). I cannot go out with friends even to go shopping without a guilt trip. I thought we were making progress these last few weeks since I decided to focus on salvaging our marriage, but apparently he was just going along with me to placate me and any progress was just superficial. He also refuses marriage counseling.

My reaching out to xOM may well be a reflex of that, but I did not tell him about our fight or seek any sympathy from him. I'm smarter that that. And this man has never been the kind to say, "There, there." In fact, his attitude is that if you're not happy, then fix it or get out. My A--which was wrong--was never about not getting attention. I have plenty of that in my job and with my toddler daughter, believe me. It was about finding an emotional, spiritual and physical connection (though we never completely acted on the physical). Ideally, one would have those connections with one's spouse, which is why I am trying to work out my marriage, which I should have done before getting involved with xOM. I know this. I would never enter back into the A, and I would never do this again. I well know the pitfalls of an extramarital relationship. Not only is it morally wrong, it creates a hellish situation. It's like I heard a minister say once: It takes you further than you wanted to go, keeps you longer than you wanted to stay, and costs you more than you ever wanted to pay.

I'm just feeling emotionally raw and wrung out and needing some moral support right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 11:59am

Newsgal,

<<>>

WOW! That hits hard. Pretty acurate though!

I wish I had some great advice to give you, but I don't. My H is a pretty great guy - I'm still not sure how I got involved in the A or why. <<>> I think, for me, I found this accidentally, wasn't expecting it, but followed it anyway.

I have been w/NC for almost a month now. Somedays are harder than others. I know you have to work w/ xOM, so NC is a bit harder for you. But I would say try to avoid those conversations that make you nostalgic. I think it's those times when we become most vunerable to the A again. I understand the need/want to end things on a friendly note - afetr everything you shared w/ that person, you don't want to walk away w/ them hating you, or you hating them. But maybe, sometimes, the non-friendly ending is best (for me at least).

<<>>

You've got it, here anyway :-)

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 12:18pm
Hey Gal
Just read your post, and would like to just make few points, you know, husbands and wives always have some arguments, fights, due to silly things as well as serious matters. But then I gues, when they do marry they have to be ready for it.
I am not trying to make a big sermon here, far from it :-) i am not a speech kind of person i just type the way i talk in real life ok?
I myself have done exactly what you did. Everytime i had even the teensiest fight, i would run to my OM and tell him and hope to get some kind of sympathy from him , it was kind of like trying to make it feel right that i was having the affair. The big bad husband is giving me grief... that syndrome u know?
It is not so hard to mend things if we give the husbands a chance and not complain about them the first chance we get. After all, we are not perfect either and frankly i could have done more harm to my marriage with my A than my husband ever did with all his drawbacks put together.
So give it a chance gal and u will be fine with your husband.
Well.. just wanted to say that we all go through it but eventually we all end up either with the husband or alone... the OM, well they just seem to move on dont they? Your husband is who you will probably grow old with, you need him now more than ever :-)
Good luck to u Gal, and my prayers are with you
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:07pm


Hi Newsgal,

I have been lurking the board, I have stayed away for a while because I feel I am doing much better. My affair ended in late Aug. I thought I would die, But here it is December and I can now honestly say the hurt is slipping and the healing is beginning. I never thought I would say this but It feels great. I was miserable and hurting to the point where I fell into a bit of depression. This board was a big help to me some of the people on this board where truly amazing and supportive, I see they still are.

Anyway I wanted to comment on something you said about your hubby. My hubby did the same, right down to the underwear I would wear. Our finances, friends, my hairstyle, even I had to be home by the time he got off work on the weekends. I let him do this to me for years. When I turned 30 I woke up and smelled the coffee and made a huge turn around for myself. His behavior led me to make choices (affair) I am not proud of because my husband had been the only person I had ever been with on a intimate level. My affair lasted 3.5 years and I dont regret it but I wish I could turn back the hands of time. When my husband started to feel my changes he was very unhappy to the point where he gave me an ultimatum My way or the highway. I played his bluff I told him we needed time apart. I dont think he ever imagined I would tell him that. It woke him up to see that I was not willing to put up with his ways of being anymore. It took awhile for him to come around, but in the mean time I strayed with OM and that did not help my situatin at home much. Hubby never found out about the affair. Of course things with my marriage have gotten much much better. My marriage now is strong and I want to keep it that way we compromise on alot of things and he is no longer that control freak anymore. He is this wonderful person I can honestly say I am ready to spend the rest of my life with. I love my husband very much and it does pain me to know I did what I did. But that part of my life is over and burried.

A marriage is not easy to keep up with specially when there is conflict, You cant cntinue to sugar coat your problems with hubby, it will only make things worse. You need to find that happy medium with him and make him understand that you are an equal. I hope you can find the happinnes you are looking for whether it be with him or someone else, you deserve to be treated with respect and integrity.

Good Luck.....

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:55pm

Thanks for the support. I know I'm acting weak and stupid. I thought I was almost over this! I am off today, so at least I didn't have to see him at work.

Gotta hold my head up and keep going.

It's encouraging to read about you working things out with your husband. I was in a similar situation; my husband was the second person I had been intimate with. He is a few years older than I am, had a successful career, and was kind to me and looked to me for support and encouragement, which I gave. Gradually, he became more and more controlling...it just sneaks up on you, doesn't it? I turned 30 last year, and it was an awakening for me, too. Actually, it was xOM who made me realize that my relationship with my husband was not normal. (I know he had ulterior motives) But he treated me as an equal, and I started to demand equal treatment from my husband. No more hiding finances from me. No more deciding what I would wear, what I would eat, what our daugther would wear, what time I would get up and go to bed, etc. After a couple of months of all-out fighting, I thought he was starting to respect me, but his old habits have reared their ugly head. I know I'm far from perfect and feel tremendous guilt about the affair. At least he has never cheated on me, I am almost completely sure. (I would say absolutely sure, but I never thought I would do such a thing, so I can't completely discount the idea he would). My friend gave me the name of her family therapist. I'm thinking of making an appointment on my own, even if he won't go. This madness has got to end.

Wish we could invent a magic vaccine to make it all better.

Unfortunately, this is the price we pay, isn't it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 7:22pm

Hi Again,

Unfortunately yes it is the price we pay. But we are in control of our destinys and it is up to us to live it the good way or bad. We have no one to blame but ourselves, not even OM. I have a strong beleif that everything in life happens for a reason. I now understand the reasons that pushed me to my affair and the consequenses it had upon me. I have learned alot about my self and the person I no longer want to be. (The other women.) OM is married too. I just want my life to come back to normal and little by little it is.

I am sorry you are going thru your sorrows and I first hand know how difficult the grieving process is. My advice to you is take one day at a time and believe me IT WILL GET BETTER, I onced believed it wouldn't because I was hurting so much for not having Om in my life anymore. Now I feel a sense of relief and a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. I am constantly asking the good lord to forgive me and I honestly believe he has by giving me back the man I first ever layed eyes on and making my marriage a normal one at last.

Hang in there and good luck. Baby steps is what it takes.

I lurk alot if you need me I am here for you......

Hugs

Ladybug

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 7:23pm

Gal

I would like to suggest that you keep standing your ground with your husband, in many ways I went through something similer, my spouse was very abusive for years (learned from parents), thing did not start to change until I took a stand set boundries and refused to be backed off them regardless of what was said to me.

The truth is even after changes were made from time to time even to this day he tests those boundries to see if I maintain the resolve to not let them be moved or crossed over, in a lot of ways it is like dealing with a child they will keep testing you untill they know in there heart of hearts they have gone as far as your going to let them.

BUT things are a lot better I have demanded and earned respect and I now get it.

You have to stand your ground for as long as it takes and don't accept any of his dodges, it's not easy but I know that it can work.

Free