question?????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
question?????????
10
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:15pm
Does it count ending the A if you don't tell the mm, just stop calling or text mess.. We have not spoken since Thursday am. I usually call but I have'nt. Do I really need to say the words? I'm mumb right now and I am alone. Don't know if I can say the words.
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:41pm
Hi Kat,
Yes it does still count if you break contact. That is exactly what i am doing. I have not contacted my other man since the day before Thanksgving and i am just taking it day by day. It is hard to not want that contact and closeness but you can get thru it. I am basically just "hiding out" trying to evade him any way i can. I don't even want to have real closure. It's just words anyways. And whatever I would say or he would say doesn't really matter. You have to come to the point that you want to get on with your life w/out the affair. I felt really alone and sad at first too, but i am working to regain my place in my family w/ my husband and son and just move past the whole thing. Trust me it does get easier every day, but you have to be strong and just be done with the whole thing to start to heal. This is a great place to come to realize that you really are not alone b/cause there are so many other people out there w/ same situations and feelings as you.
Good luck with whatever you choose! Be strong!
hugs to you!
~nuttmeg
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:50pm

Hey Kat
I agree: It absolutely counts. At least it better, cause that's what I'm doing. I know I'll have contact with him over the holidays (no choice in the matter) but I don't plan on saying a word about "us". If he does, then I'll tell him it was over for me a long time ago. Simple.

Glad things are going okay for you. Hang in there; this is a really tough time of year to be going through this, I know.
Cheers (from one single woman to another!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 1:57pm

Hi Kat:

I'm not sure if it 'counts' or not (but I guess what really counts is what you've finally decided you want), but I don't think it is right to simply stop contacting someone.

If you've been regularly contacting him (and he you), and then you suddenly stop, he will no doubt eventually wonder why. Read some of the past posts on the Affair Board where people are totally freaking out - feeling absolutely aweful about themselves - because they suddenly never hear from someone again. It think that can be really damaging to a person's sense of self.

Does your AP deserve that? Unless he's been hurting you, I doubt it. If you cared about him at all, he deserves the courtesy of some closure.

My two cents are that he at least deserves a goodbye. It doesn't have to involve any feelings - just the common decency to let him know that in your mind, this is over.

Lurking

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:18pm

<>>

I always wondered what was the big deal about not talking to the AP for several days without thinking, "Is it over?" Many affairs move along just fine without contact for days or weeks. It's the nature of the beast...

With that said, only you know how much contact the two of you had, whethere it was daily, weekly, monthly. He may not even thnink there's a darn thing wrong. My opinion is this. If you want it over, you owe him NOTHING. But, you have to delete all ways for him to reach you also. This will give him the message loud and clear. Otherwise....

Get ready to be wishy-washy and frustrated with the ending process. There is really no such thing as closure in an affair. One person wants out, and their normal life back and that's it. OVER. DONE. KAPUTZ!

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-13-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:20pm
yes, it counts...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:42pm
Have you read any of the posts here by people who are devestated that their OP had just dissapeared?
Its cruel.
You made a decision to have an A
You had a relationship with this person
you owe them at least a goodbye -
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 2:55pm
Thanks for your words of encouragement. I am divorced and my daughter is 22 and lives in another state as does the rest of my family. I know my mm will be in contact with me eventually, sometimes we go a week without talking due to c'circumstances so I know he does'nt know what I'm thinking. but what you said about not wanting real closeure is dead on. It is eaiser not to have to say the words.
thanks and hugs,
kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:06pm
I know what your saying and he and I have said, well I said if he wanted it over he needed to tell me and he said he would and he would'nt want some one to do him that way. I have tried before and gave him an out because I thought he wanted it but he told me no and I gave in. I don't WANT to end it but I want to want to so I figured this is the best way for me. I know he will be in contact after a while and then I will tell him how I feel and why.
Thanks and good luck to you, this is so hard.
Kathy
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:28pm

I have to say this...by not offically ending it, you are leaving yourself open to the idea of keeping the A going. You may say otherwise, but the fact you stated "I don't WANT to end it but I want to want to" speaks volumes as to where your head is in this. You are trying to convince YOURSELF, not him, that it is over. If you are serious about needing this to end, you MUST say so to him. Once the words are said, then there's the follow-thru. If you say its over, and go back for whatever reason, he will always think there's a way back in. Say it, then do it.

Just my 2 cents.
Hurtpup

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2004
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 3:45pm
Your 2 cents are right I guess i am trying to convince myself, I had not looked at it that way but i know I'm leaving the door open. He has no idea what I'm thinking or trying to do. We go for days sometimes with nc. I guess I have to conveince my self before I can tell him.
kathy