I broke NC

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
I broke NC
5
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 4:56pm

Anyone:

I gave in. I woke up so sure I would be able to let this go. See earlier post, "I will let it go." He didn't say anything to me or email me all morning. Then after lunch, there is an email...saying I should speak to him and he doesn't have to speak first and blah, blah. Damn it, why did I respond? I let him get under my skin, and he thrives on it. This is fun to him. I can't wait for next week...I won't have to see him for 3.5 weeks and maybe that's when I can make the emotional break. I have a Dr. appt tomorrow to get a check-up b/c of his other activities. I feel like cussing. I caved like a dumby.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2004
In reply to: sunshine_tx76
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 5:40pm

It's OK. I have repeatedly broken NC, reacted to calls, etc. In fact, it's not clear that my "alliance" is over, but I read this Board as I walk toward that goal. My story is long (to me) and challenging in it's own way too.

You are still you, and I'd advocate taking care of you, no self-bashing today -- it's Monday! Take a deep breath and move on to Monday evening, or, even Tuesday morning when it's a new day!

Good luck and keep thinking of that great long break coming up. I'm sure you'll wake up again tomorrow sure that you will be able to let this go. I wake up most days like that, even though I went to sleep thinking "how will I ever do this?"

TRBL

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
In reply to: sunshine_tx76
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 6:19pm

TRBL:

I know I shouldn't be so hard on myself, but what happened to that strong, independent person I was 5-6 months ago? Sometimes....I say outloud....YOU ARE MARRIED! HAPPILY MARRIED at that. But not happy with myself....I have always had low self-esteem. Thanks dad! Even in the beginning of my marriage, I pushed my DH away for fear of being rejected first. Now this A, self-destruction...pure and simple. If I know this, why do I allow the pattern to continue? I have known emotional turmoil from early childhood so it's almost like although this really hurts, I continuously feed it. My mother says...I like drama just like my dad. So yes, I say I want it to be over; but, when I am alone and it's just me, I don't think I am completely fed up. My DF says....you like the fact that when you hang up on him, he calls you non-stop...you like when you don't answer the phone, he calls non-stop...you like it whenever he reacts to you, however he reacts to you. Much like the narcissistic man. WOW! It's not like other A on this board, although very similar with the roller coaster. He is free to call me and I him whenever b/c our spouses are not present. The only people we hide it from are our co-workers...and of course...my family b/c all of them are here in the same city. I think more than anything...this is a addiction...just like smoking. I know I should let it go b/c it's bad on my health! And, I love to smoke! LOL. Another thing is he is so territorial (like most people are) so when he sees the other men in the office surrounding my desk...laughing and joking...he gets jealous. I think it makes him scared b/c I am also his drug. My GF says....how can you be so angry w/ him for lying to you...when you lie to him. You both lie to each other.

SS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: sunshine_tx76
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 6:40pm

So you start fresh tomorrow, and welcome to the "broke NC" club. We're all members.

Start looking for your aha moment, that moment when you truly realize what a nightmare waste the whole situation has become.

For example, my aha moment came when xMM sent me an e-mail detailing how much he loved his wife. He said, and I quote, "We will never talk again, we will never be together again. Stop calling me, stop e-mailing me, I'm gone."

Aha, this will never turn out the way I want, and I feel very, very stupid AGAIN! I won't call or e-mail again because I never want to be spoken to that way again by someone who claims to love me.

Once you have that moment, you'll start to find NC a little easier--not a breeze mind you, just easier.

Based on your comment about his "other activities" chances are you've already had it! Until then, start fresh tomorrow!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2004
In reply to: sunshine_tx76
Mon, 12-13-2004 - 7:40pm

shel0815:

So has he tried to contact you since? See....I told him today. I am letting this go....but I left the door cracked by saying...that's what you want so you got it. Of course, his response was stop putting words in my mouth...I told you what I want so you tell me what you want. No he didn't! No he hasn't! I should have said....I want you to leave me alone. Somehow, I don't think he will even if I say it b/c he knows my emotions change like the wind (b/c I said it over and over). So he knows...he just has to wait it out and then call when I least expect it to get back in.

But I do want to note some progress I have made. Today, I deleted 8 pages of emails from him. I did it without a second thought. I deleted his name out of my cell. That was hard...b/c I have done that before then added it back in there. I haven't cried today or wanted to. So these tiny steps do make me proud. There itsy, bitsy steps but they are steps nonetheless.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
In reply to: sunshine_tx76
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 12:54am

Good for you about deleting the emails and the cell phone numbers!

sc