GUILT AFTERWARDS?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
GUILT AFTERWARDS?
5
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 9:49am
I cant beleive im posting on this board , my wife had an long EA (3-4yrs) ended with a sexual romp. We have been married 23yrs two kids , the OM was also married with 3 kids.
Im trying to understand how she could live with herself afterwards. If she really didnt feel the same about me , why not leave? Why inflict pain on me and the children if she beleives the marriage is over. Especially for so long. I try to see things from her side , I have had crushes on female friends , but I never thought about crossing the line for two reasons 1. The children 2. I also cherished my friend , and I knew if I crossed the line eventualy I would lose that friend...and that I didnt want to do. Sure the simple pleasures of no committment and freedom of being in a close relationship with someone other than your spouse is exciting but what about the guilt when you have to look at your sig other? How could she face me , after sneaking behind my back to meet him for lunch? If not her own guilt, the feeling of how this could hurt the children ...ok ..a couple of times ... things get close and you dont really think about things like that , but after a long time ...its got to be on your mind about the childrens welfare. I really dont get it. How can she face me even now after the truth is out (knowing how she shamed me and herself)....I wouldnt be able to look her in the face at all if I was in her shoes.
Im the one who was decieved here , Im doing everything to try to understand ...her side.
hurting in NY
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 10:04am

<<<>>


Take the time to read the posts of the married women on here who have cheated. Their remorse has a strangle hold on them. Many choose never to even tell their husbands. How did you find out? Did she come to you and confess? If she did, then she is serious in wanting to have your forgiveness and wishing to rebuild. If you found out about it, then there is a lot of work that lays ahead for both of you.


<<<

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 10:27am

I'm very sorry for what you are going through.

I can't speak for your W, but I can say that the guilt was very strong for me in the early part of the A (I had almost a 3 year A). But you the guilt lessons as the A goes on. Its like I was living 2 lives and didn't really think about my H when I was getting what was making me happy from the XOM.

The guilt was tough in terms of how I was perceiving myself. I never thought I'd end up deceiving my H like this. He totally trusts me, and THATS what made it very difficult. But still, the guilt usually doesn't override the pleasure that is gotten from the A.

Why not leave my H and THEN pursue another R? I always wondered that about cheaters myself. I was one of those people that said "I will NEVER cheat" and "why don't people just leave their spouse if they are not happy". In my case, my H is a wonderful man..dependable, trustworthy, responsible and we get along great. BUT, the one aspect I miss from my R with my H is passion. I just don't have it for him. I love and respect him, but I don't even enjoy kissing him. Horrible huh?

My XOM fullfilled that passion I needed. Just having someone else want you that bad can be intoxicating, and your judgement can be altered by that.

How did you find out? Did she tell you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-23-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 1:27pm
I found out from her emails , describing the "Act" , The emotional affair , was right in front of me and I thought nothing of it. A friend from our church , they talked , occasionaly he would even call the house ...."just friends" ...he and she would tell me. But the pain comes from , when you ask someone who repeatedally tells you they love you, just stay away from him ... and then they start continueing it behind your back...im sorry thats where I draw the line ...she swears he could never measure up to me in any way then why did it happen? Again , I have been there getting VERY close at times to taking a work-mate to being more than that. But again , I say its not worth what I would lose , yes the excitement of the possiblity of even getting caught is even more addicting. Our sex life was great , this is why she said it took so long to end into a sexual romp. Her excuse was she would do anything not to lose his friendship , and that was the only thing she thought would make him stay ....but at what cost... I try taking myself out of the equation....I consider myself a very rational person...I understand people drift apart and have feelings , that are sometimes not satified at home. But when you make a committment with someone (a marriage vow) at least to it means more that just "I do" . But things happen , now kids are involved ...and sure people say they will be ok...im sure they will , but how about the pain brought onto them ...if she wont show her shame or guilt to me ...show or tell your children your sorry to them ...my girls know whats going on ...and what happened ...the OM children were my childrens friends also ...so now they lose thier friends forever as well....I ask again ...was it worth it? ...my wife says no ...thats why we are still together ...for now.
still looking for answers
hurting in NY
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Wed, 12-15-2004 - 2:00pm

"The emotional affair , was right in front of me and I thought nothing of it"

I had to quote you on the above statement, because in my case, it was right there in front of my H too. It made him a little leary at first, but I began being more careful about anything that may be alarming to my H and he didn't give it a second thought (at least he hasn't said anything to me about it if he did).

I realize you must be going through hell and I commend you for how you are attempting to figure this all out. If my H found out, I have no doubt physical harm would come to me and my XOM. You would think knowing that, it would be enough for me to not have an A in the first place. Apparently it wasn't, because I got caught up in my emotions with my XOM and couldn't walk away from them.

I also commend you for having a temptation yourself and not giving into it. At least you can recognize that it IS possible to desire someone else, even when you are in a committed relationship. That may help you to understand your W's desire for this man, but I'm sure it still doesn't help you to understand why she would jeopardize the family to fullfill her desire.

I think by you reading some of the posting on this board, you may find some more answers, but ultimately, only your W can explain her position on it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 1:13am

Revid, while I respect that you are in a lot of emotional pain at this time, please respect that this board is for those people who are in the midst of ending their affairs, NOT for betrayed spouses to post to.


I suggest you post on the