How to deal when NC not an option?
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| Thu, 12-16-2004 - 9:46am |
I am feeling so sad and so low today. Just when I was feeling good, last week really set me back. Actually, was feeling better Monday. Then I had to talk to him because we work together, and he was short with me again. I know there were issues with his xW, so I think that's what had him on edge, but I was amazed at how much my pride was hurt by that, especially since we had moved toward a kind of friendship last week.
So I thought it would be better to just communicate via email rather than have to talk to him. He didn't respond, so I was forced to talk to him yesterday. He looked very troubled and strained.
My husband (who has been nicer the last three days) came by the station to watch (he hasn't done that in a long time, mostly because his work schedule doesn't allow.) I caught xOM looking at us with a very unhappy expression, but he looked away very quickly.
I started having these guilt feelings, that I was hurting xOM because he did leave his wife but I stayed with my husband. Makes me feel as though I was a liar by telling him I would leave, that the marriage was bad and that it was only a matter of time. I believed those things at the time I said them.
After our A ended, when he told me to do what I needed to do but not because of him, my marriage did almost end, but husband started making an effort to come clean about things he had done (financially) and to treat me better. The setback last week had me wondering if I had made the right choice in staying with my husband. I still don't know for sure. I'm just HOPING that staying in my marriage is the right thing. It is so painful. And I do feel guilty about it.
How insane is that, that I would feel GUILTY for doing the right thing! Just shows how an A completely undermines reality. But I guess the reality of it is that people do get hurt on both sides. So deeply. If I had known this is how it would feel, I would have run the other direction and this time wouldn't have waited for him to catch me.
It is so hard to have to see him at work when he is like this. Makes me feel so bad for so many reasons. I envy those of you who can have complete NC.

Gal
I don't believe you were wrong in anyway in staying and working on your marriage, whether it makes it or not you will be able to look your child in the eyes and say truthfully that you did your best to save her family, and my POV her well being comes in miles ahead of XMM, he willing got involved with a married woman and when you get involved with a married person you take your chances and you have ZERO rights, all rights belong to her family and only her family.
Affairs do mess with the head thats for sure as you get a good deal more distence from it your going to look at what you were thinking and feeling and just shake your head at yourself, I know it's hard to believe from were you are today but it will happen down the road.
I the short term the most you can be with XMM is professionally polite and keep contact to the minimum required to do your job well, your not really helping him by trying to keep any other sort of relationship with him including friendship, that just turns into torture for all concerned.
Look up for your salvation draws near.
Free
Free,
I have tears in my eyes after reading your message--especially that last sentence. You don't know how meaningful that is to me in this situation. Again, you are right. I already shake my head at myself.
We had a brief conversation on the phone today. I kept it short and to the point till the end and just asked politely if he was feeling okay and commented that he looked like he felt badly yesterday evening. He acted a bit surprised and said he thought he felt fine. He then said again that it was good to see "all of you" there (meaning my whole family) and said he hoped things continue to go well for me. All the sudden, I could barely speak, and all I could squeak out was "same to you."
After I hung up, I had this feeling that it's over. Done. I think you're right and I don't think we can be friends, because those "friendly" feelings are what led to this in the first place.
Feel like I weigh a little less tonight. Not a great deal less, but a few ounces, anyway. I think I have so strictly restrained myself from crying over this, I need to let it out and move on.
Thank you for your advice and for helping so many of us by sharing what you've learned from your experience. We're still learning. And learning. And stumbling. Eventually, we'll stand strong. I hope and pray.
Gal
As a woman God gave you many gifts one of which is the ability to cry and pour out your heart to him, use the gift, IT HELPS.
Free