I need help please

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
I need help please
6
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 6:39pm

I began an affair with a married man 4 years ago. I was in an 8 year relationship that had gone sour. Once I met this guy, we clicked immediately. I met him because he was doing the mortgage for my parents. He literally swept me off my feet. I never dreamed I would ever do such a thing as have an affair. Now I know never to judge anybody, because I was the last person who I thought would ever do this.
Throughout these four years, I tried to end it many times. However, he was the one that pursued and said he never wanted to stop seeing me. At the same time, I knew he had no intentions of leaving his wife. I knew he was a father of two boys. I knew all of this yet I was never strong enough or smart enough to stop accepting his phone calls. Strangely and slowly, I began feeling more and more for him. He would tell me the same thing, and it was a trap we were in that neither of us could let go of.
For the past year he and his wife were having problems. He would complain all the time, however I knew he would not act on it. (He is a pastor's son and is supposed to be an example) Three weeks ago, his family went to California and he was all excited and eager to see me and for us to spend time together. We saw each other twice and the last time, after we had spent some time, we sat down and began talking. We talked about many things and finally, he told me his wife was pregnant with his thrid child. He said "sometimes God works in mysterious ways to give a second chance". He told me he wsa afraid to tell me before because he thought I would be the one to end it and he didn't want that. I left that night crying. Mostly because of the humiliation and the lies, the lies to my family and friends. To the fact that I had allowed myself to reach the bottom and not had enough self-esteem to end it all.
Part of me said, "That is it! What am I doing?" "What have I done?". Yet a week passed and no call from him. I called him that Friday and he said "Hi!!! I missed you but you left so suddenly last week, I didn't know to call you or not. Listen I have to call you back." He never did call back.

It's been three weeks. I called his cell phone today, and an operator says "the number you dialed is incomplete." He changed his number! Just like that, with no goodbye, nothing. No "This has to end" or "I never want to talk to you again". I would have preferred he said that than just changing his number and not looking back.

I feel so betrayed I cannot stand it. I can't talk to anyone, not my parents, sister, brother, friends, noone. I pretend I am happy but I have fallen apart inside. I feel like the lowest of the low. I know I shouldn't reach him at work or even try to reach him at home. I feel helpless. He has no idea but he has broken me somehow. PLEASE SOMEONE give me advice and help me get rid of these feelings of making him feel the same way! Please.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 7:54pm
Adri -Btdt, I feel for you b/c this happend to me. I was in an A for only about 9 months. My W found out. My M had been shot for years and finally I said "enough" and I moved out. OW soon disappeared without a trace. I knew where to find her, but she would not return my calls or my e-mails. This is someone who I shared sooooo much with and then, poof, gone. I really struggled but I managed. This went on for about two months. I was hurt very bad, but one day she popped back up. I told her how upset I was. She said she was freaked out, didn't know what to do, bla bla bla. I bought it. We were in casual contact the past few months, but I could see the writing on the wall so I am trying to end it. You can't make someone want to be with you. It's the plain truth and I can't just be friends. I love this person with all my heart but I cannot wait for her to get her act together. I must caution you b/c I would be willing to bet this person will show back up again. It will be after you have recovered and you will find yourself back right where you are now. DO NOT LET THAT HAPPEN! You will recover - I did and this was with someone I loved (and still do) very much. Be strong.


Edited 12/16/2004 7:57 pm ET ET by lostvoyage
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 8:53pm
Hi Adri,
Reading your post, I can see how very distraught you are.
<<>>
This feeling is very very familiar, I have gone through it, I still do through my healing process, the feeling keeps coming up and there are tears and regrets. however, it will get better if you allow it to, and if you are strong. You can do it.
This man has made it clear that he wants his life with his family back, he has treated you badly, he has ended your relationship just like that, with hardly an explanation or a care in the world. You do not need him, you need to move on and maybe someday soon you will find someone who loves you for who you are, and is committed only to you.
From what I read, you have written that you have tried to break off this relationship many a time throughout the 4 years. So let this be the start of your new life, as hard as it may be.
I am at the moment getting over an affair of 2.5 years. Read some of the postings here on this board, you will see how so many of us are recovering, though it is very hard and sometimes very long.
Take care
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
Thu, 12-16-2004 - 9:21pm

Adri,

Welcome. Many of us here know your pain. If you read any of my (embarassing) posts, you can see I am still seeking strength and peace. Some days, I think I'm there; other days, I am so sad and so lost, "broken," just as you said. For a while, I thought I was getting over it, that I was in control, that I had my dignity restored, but lately, I've just been doing well to get up and go about my day. Sounds terrible, doesn't it? That's the truth of it.

The other is, and it helps me to say this to you, there is freedom in doing what is right. My affair snuck up on me, too; or rather, in a weak moment, I allowed myself to let this man know I was having feelings for him, too, and then acted on it by having a mostly emotional affair.

Just as in your situation, he was the one who spoke up and ended it. I have been married almost 7 years, not happily much of the time. His marriage was falling apart, and he was considering a divorce. Ironically, the day he filed for divorce, he told me that he could not be the reason that I left my husband, that he had not done what is right in the past, but that he had to move out of the way and allow me to see my marriage without my view being clouded by a relationship with him. He was right; I had been considering ending it for a couple of weeks before he did. He sensed it a couple of times and in fact pleaded with me not to break up with him. Then he pulled the plug, though I agreed with him it was the right thing to do, and we parted friends. So I thought. I thought that would be the end. But as you're feeling, it's just the beginning of the affair being over. I'm still struggling with feelings for him. My relationship with him was mostly emotional as well, since although there was lots of kissing (the most amazing kisses, honestly) we never "went all the way," as they say. It's the only thing I can look back on and say I did right during the whole mess.

The "no contact," as he is doing with you, is painful, but in the long run, he is doing you a favor. I know it doesn't feel like that at all right now...it feels heartless and makes you feel used and stupid and wasted. Since I work with my X, I have to still talk to him and see him, and I know that is the major factor in my inability to completely move on so far. When he is friendly with me, those feelings are stirred. When he is cold, I feel hurt and angry...at him but mostly at myself for wasting time thinking about him at all rather than focusing on my own life. It is so difficult that I am taking another job and moving a couple of hours away, and since my husband travels a lot with his job, he is fine with it.

I know you want "closure," you want him to at least validate that you were worth something to him, that you were special to him and that if he could, he would choose to be with you. The cold, hard truth is that you may never get it. And really, you don't have to have it. An affair makes you feel bad; now, look at the possibilities ahead of you. You are single. You can focus on YOU and what you can give of yourself to the world. And maybe you'll meet that special guy along the way. Someone who is free to be with you. Who chooses you. First, YOU have to choose yourself. (That's what I'm still learning.)

Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 5:32pm

Adri,

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I know it really hurts. I, too, had an A with someone whose W got pregnant during it. And he didn't even know whether it was his or not! Though he didn't do some of the obvious that your OM is doing, he still started rather blowing me off in a way. The difference between my situation and yours is I am married myself. I, too, wondered how in the hell I ended up where I was, doing what I was doing. I genuinely love my H, there were just a lot of problems that had been there for some time, including lack of sex. We all are weak. Every one of us. Don't beat up on yourself. You fell for someone. It happens. Nobody means it to.

My best advice for you is to let it go. I COMPLETELY understand your desire for some sort of closure, and even for some sort of revenge. But you really don't need these things to get past it. Pick yourself up. Dust yourself off, and get out there and have some fun in your life. Date other people. Relationships end all the time, especially affairs. How have you gotten over a broken relationship in the past? Give yourself permission to grieve, but then move on. Try to remember that he never really was yours in the first place, and there's nothing you can do about that. You WILL survive this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 7:37pm

lostvoyage

Thank you for sharing your experience and your advice. What hurts so much is that after you share so much and compromise yourself, you're not even worth a "goodbye" to that person, they just don't look back. I wish you the best too:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 11:50am
It does hurt a lot, I know. I really don't think you were shut off so to speak. It may appear that way, but I'll bet he's thinking of you right now. I don't care who you are, you don't flush people out of your system like that. IF his situation has not changed, he will be back again. If the timing in your life is as bad as it is in mine, he will show up at the worst possible moment. That is when you need to be on your A game.