Is it over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Is it over?
7
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 6:50am

Hi
This is the first time I'm posting to this board. I had an A for about 4 months, we're both married. He has a small child, I have no children. Sex and intimacy was missing from both our marriages and we found that with each other. We were friends as well as lovers.

Yesterday we were supposed to meet and he called me in the morning to say that he's not going too meet tonight... he just feels so crappy afterwards (guilt). Everytime he looks at his 4 yr old daughter, he feels horrible. He went on to explain it's not me or anything I did or didn't do. He enjoys being with me, he just can't get a handle on the guilt thing and it's really bothering him... I guess this time of year doesn't help either. Throw into the mix that his wife keeps saying to him that she knows he has a girlfriend...

He said he doesn't want me to be mad,hurt or upset, that it's something HE has to deal with and then he told me to keep in touch... If he can't deal with the guilt after seeing me why the hell would he want to keep in touch with me? I don't know if he was just saying that to ease the blow - I don't know if he really meant it. The thing is,I would like to keep in touch, even if we only talk on the phone (He's very supportive and I really enjoy just BS-ing about what's going on in our lives with him)... Is he thinking after the holidays he may change his mine and want to see me again? I don't know what to do? I truly like him as a person/friend and am definitely going to miss talking to him...

What do you make of what he said? Any suggestions on what I should do?

In the mean time I have decided that I am going to focus my energies on my husband and improving my marriage... I am going to try and communicate what I need from him in order to be happy... I am going to make an effort to get US back on track. I know he loves me and I do love him, I think thats a good start.

Thanks everyone.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: katsmeow67
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 8:38am

Hi Kats,

Welcome aboard. Sorry for your situation right now, I know how awful it feels and I know how deeply it hurts. Unfortunately, it can get a whole lot worse before it gets better.

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Yes, he could be saying that to help you save face, but since it's not for certain, you have to deal with what was said.

Guilt is a very big deal & real deal, and yet so is love and attraction. You have to understand how these break ups (and divorces) introduce us to the word, "ambivalence." I was involved with a MW for 10+ years; our first break up was right around 4 months into it also. She expressed her feelings of guilt and we parted. That's the bad news, or is that the good news? I don't know. I'm still figuring that out.

I guess I don't have anything too profound to offer you as I am in the process, again, of ending my A. It's a funny thing: I don't have any regrets for being involved with this MW for 10 years, but then I don't have anything to show for it, either. Don't let my calm demeanor speak for anything; there are several here on the board that will tell you it just hasn't hit me yet after only 5 weeks of NC.

You are on a ride that has enormous personal implications and consequences. I think you have landed in the right place and are beginning to ask some questions, so I defer to the more experienced voices here. Keep posting & talking and the folks here will offer you a variety of views. Use what makes sense to you, but be open to everything.

You sound like a very nice person. I wish you well.
-LG

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: katsmeow67
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 8:42am

Welcome...I haven't been here long, either, but I've found this to be a supportive place...and honestly, I think it has helped save my sanity, what little of it I have left, anyway...

What is hurtful now is actually a gift, Kat. He is walking away from the A. Now, don't walk away...RUN! The longer you are involved this way, the more damage it will do to you and your marriage. You have the right idea: focus on your marriage. I have had to learn to do the same thing. Every moment you spend thinking and worrying about the other married man (OMM) you are robbing your marriage of the chance to have the intimacy you crave. I have done exactly the same thing.

Because I work with my xOM until March, when I am moving, I don't have the ability to have no contact with him. I truly felt for a time that he was my closest friend and grieved as much for the loss of friendship as anything else. We have tried being friends, but it hasn't worked, and I think you will find the consensus here is that the only way to heal is to have absolutely no contact. No calls, no emails, no visits. I have had moments that I believed I got a sense of closure from talking to him, but it doesn't last. The feelings get dredged up again, he turns on the ice machine, and I feel hurt and angry. This wound has started to heal and then been reopened so many times, and that is a horrible way to live.

Be thankful he isn't still stringing you along...and don't let him. Shut the door. Realize that friendship has to be sacrificed in order to save yourself. To me, it felt like the mountain climber who had to cut off his arm so he could survive getting trapped by a boulder last year. I have only begun to realize this myself in the last couple of days.

Have a good cry then let it go. Be strong, CHOOSE to be happy.
Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: katsmeow67
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 9:07am

Kat

Will he be back, more then likely yes, the better question I think is should you allow him to come back, the answer is NO.

The fact that his wife is suggesting that he his cheating is a very big RED FLAG thay you could be exposed at any time with out warning, if you love your husband and want to stay married to him you need to cut this off totally do not stay in touch and get rid of any evidence.

Close the door to XMM and focus on dealing with your husband and marriage you may be surprised what can be accomplished if you refuse to accept less in your marriage.

GOOD LUCK

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2004
In reply to: katsmeow67
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 3:58pm

kats -

I found your post very interesting because my situation was similar but reversed. My H was the one who kept saying that I had a boyfriend. Talked about how I was a prime candidate for having an A, etc. The betrayal to him is what made me get out of it.
I could say the same thing to my XMM that your XMM said to you, ‘it's not you or anything you did or didn't do. I enjoy being with him, it just isn’t right.’

He most likely said to keep in touch because at the initial stage it is to difficult to imagine your life without this person. But to really get away, to break the addiction, you both have to stay away from each other and have no contact for the spell to be broken.

I said the same thing to my XMM – told him I wanted to be friends. But then it hurt too much to be friends at first – I had to tell him to stop contacting me (email for us). I don’t think he understood why, but it didn’t matter to me at that point. It took me a very long time (about 5 months) to be able to have a simple chat with him. Although I was very nervous, it went well. I do not want to go back to the deception and lies. The thing is, I don’t think these feelings of wanting the other person ever really die. We just have to be strong enough to know right from wrong and not act on our feelings.

I would suggest that you don’t contact him – it’s going to be difficult. Of course you are going to miss the talking – it was a habit and they are hard to break. But you can do it.

My XMM did not really understand why I needed him to quit contacting me. (Because I would not talk/email him to explain it other than to say to break an addiction you have to get away from the source.) Anyway, when we talked I explained to him that I couldn��t take ‘seeing his name’ in my email – and getting away from him was what I needed and it made things better. He told me he would not contact me if that’s what I wanted. And I told him yes, I need you to lay very low.

I hope this helps you to understand what he may be thinking.

And what worked for me was to talk to my H. We hadn’t really ‘talked’ in a long time. We had a very long conversation one night and I told him I really want to be close to you. And we both had a lot to say. He’s been great ever since. So I’m going to make it a point to try to ‘connect’ with him everyday.

Good luck to you, I wish you the best.

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: katsmeow67
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 5:05pm

You say that you are going to focus on your marriage and on your husband, yet you want to keep talking to this other man. Think about it, do you think that is reallyl focusing? Do you think it is appropriate for you to do that? If your husband were continuing to talk to a woman that he had slept with would you be okay with that?

If you want to give your marriage your all, then you need to get serious and do just that. You also need to respect XMM when he tells you that he feels guilty and cannot see you/speak to you anymore.

I'm not telling you these things to be mean, but after four years of listening to people tell their stories on here i can tell you that the "staying friends" bit is completely overrated, if not impossible. You can't cut an intimate relationship off at the knees and say "Yay, we're buddies now". It isn't fair for you to do that if you really want to work things out with H.

Jazzdiva

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
In reply to: katsmeow67
Fri, 12-17-2004 - 5:17pm

Kats,

My suggestion? Just accept what he said and don't try and think about it too much. It may not seem so now, but "keeping in touch" is a lot harder than you think. Once you've experienced that intimacy with someone, it's very difficult to just go back and be "friends". Some manage to do it, most don't. Believe me, I understand your reasons for why you got involved in this. Similar (especially the sex part) to mine. Trust me on this....your husband doesn't know, you still love him, the OM still loves his wife, and your marriages are still intact. If you truly want it to stay that way for you, just let this thing go. Don't call him. Don't email him. Don't try to "run into" him. Don't do anything where he is concerned. Just let it die it's natural death and your life will be all the better for it. I promise.

Silly

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: katsmeow67
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 8:28am

Thank you everyone for your insightful posts. I truly appreciate it. wrkngmom - thanks for giving me 'his perspective' on everything. I actually thought about everything a lot and kept coming back to the fact that if I am going to truly concentrate on my husband and getting US 'fixed', it wouldn't help to keep talking to OM. I know this in my heart but I just know I am going to miss talking to him (about anything... not necessarily about sex and what we shared with each other). I'm speaking in terms of being 'friends only'...

And I've already decided if he ever came back and said he wants to see me... I can't do it. I think that would kill me to be with him one more time and have him tell me the next day, I made a mistake and can't do this again... That would crush me in so many ways.

Thing is, I do have questions about how much his wife knows. Does she know my name? Where I live? And not knowing the answers to these questions is really, really bothering me. I am scared that she'll contact me or my husband... I'm fighting myself - I really need to know from him how much she knows... And the only way for me to find out is to call him... I've been holding off. It's been 2 days since we said "good bye". I'm debating if I should call him next week (before Xmas) to get the answers I need to ease my fears... What should I do?