Mood swings

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Mood swings
13
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 1:48am

So, I haven't posted in a few days - been dealing with some weird mood swings. If you've kept up w/me, you'd know today SHOULD have been 4 weeks w/NC. But last week, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself & missing xOM. Wednesday, I had a business issue come up and decided to call him. He didn't answer his phone & I left him a brief but professional message to have a friend of his call me (I needed his friend's help but didn't have the #). His friend called me about an hour later. I appreciated xOM's quick response and so I called him back - ready to leave a nice "thank you" message, when he answered his phone. (I know it was stupid, but I guess I was a little irritated that he didn't answer his phone the first time I called - I figured he saw my # and didn't want to speak to me.) Hearing his voice caught me off guard, but I caught myself and we actually ended up having a very nice friendly conversation. It was awkward at first - we were both over compensating and trying to figure out what to say. But after a few minutes we settled into it and conversation flowed easily. I'll admit it was nice. I missed talking to him. We chatted for just over an hour (which surprised me when I realized how long we had been on the phone). Nothing important, just catching up - work, family, friends, politics. He didn't ask about H & I didn't ask if he was dating anyone. We avoided talking about "us".

Anyway, I have to say when we got off the phone, I felt good...almost like me again. Like I knew even if I never spoke to him again, I would be ok. I felt like I could finally let go. I wasn't sad and I didn't feel the need to cry or call him back. I just felt...normal.

That feeling stayed with me...until tonight. I think it's just because H has been working long hours lately and now has to go out of town for a few days next week. The last time he went out of town was the first time I spent the night w/xOM.

I guess I'm just feeling angry w/myself. I really thought I was finally letting go. I thought I was making progress & moving on. Now I feel crappy again. I wish the mood swings would stop!! Don't get me wrong - I'm not a weepy mess like I have been in the past, but that nostalgic "I miss him" feeling is still lingering. I hate that.

Just needed to vent...

Diva

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 2:22am

Diva

I sounds like you got your FIX and now your ready for another FIX, ala junkie, resist the urge or your going to find yourself going backward before you know it.

Stay dry.

JMHO

FREE




Edited 12/18/2004 2:32 am ET ET by mefreenow
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 10:32am
HI Diva,
Even I have my husband out of town at the moment, and xOM used to come over on those days..
It is very very hard .. and thoughts do stray to what may have been. But hang in there and be strong ok?
Dont regress, you already called him once and from what I have read here on the boards from those who have been here long enough, NC is the best way to go ahead with the break up and succeed.
<>
Yes today I was not as strong as I felt i was yesterday, the mood swings will go on I guess but eventualy we will be fine just fine
Take care
Hugs for u
Trish
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 10:45am

Diva,
I could have written this! I have been feeling exactly the same way. The week before last, we had a nice conversation, and I hung up feeling the same as you described, that if I never talked to him again, I would be okay. I thought I had closure.

Then because of working with him and seeing him and everything, the mood swings came back, full force, and I found myself slipping up in an email (see my post) and feeling like a *@#$ idiot.

Hang in there, girl. You're not alone!

I think Free was right; I never thought of it that way, but it was like a "fix," I think. Scary thought.
Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 10:58am

Hiya AD,

Mood swings are completely normal.

Free's got it in one - You got your lovely biochemical buzz and felt almost like "you" again. The crack is out there, poppet, it's down to YOU to `Just say, "No..."'

Withdrawal from that biochem cocktail usually gives us mood swings. Identify them as they come up by all means but as a reasoning adult human being you are not obligated to act upon the moods as they crop up.

Another aspect is leaping out at me, too. It's a control issue. You are irked when exOM doesn't do as you wish and answer his phone whenever it is *you* want to hear from him. You can only ever control yourself and your decisions and your choices to act on those decisions.

Remember, too, that YOU are the married one here, AD. How kind are you being to exOM by using him to stroke your ego when you know you do not want him and there is nothing in it for him? If he's a booty-callin' jerk, then let him be to get on with the business of being a booty-callin' jerk with someone else.

Read some of the single exOW's posts here and see what the effect their MM's jerking their chains has had on them. Try reading "ActressDiva" where it says "MM" in some of these posts and see just how often it might actually apply...

Bear in mind that you are playing with a loaded gun aimed right at your marriage. What is stopping exOM from asking your husband to keep you in check, from telling him you won't leave him alone, and from revealing all the little details of your liaisons? If you push exOM far enough, you'll discover that exAffair Partners will only be pushed so far.

You are fully aware this man spells death to your marriage. If you don't completely kill off your marriage, then certainly there will be a death to your marriage as you know it. Continue to jerk his chain at your peril.

You are playing with exOM's emotions and playing with your husband's trust and belief in you at the same time. You need to work out what it is you want and why, AD.

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie




Edited 12/18/2004 11:53 am ET ET by posiepops
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 12:35pm

To Newsgal and ActressDiva,


If you still harbor any feelings for these men, you need to STOP pulling their chains. As Posie and MeFree both wrote, you are succombing to your addiction which means you have not yet realized the potential danger of continuing

Sunny
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 1:24pm

Thanks for all your support everyone!

Free - you're right. It is an addiction. It makes sense now why I would feel ok at first and as time goes by I feel worse. It use to be that would feel worse right away, but I assume that is because we didn't have more than a week or so w/NC. This time it was a month, which made it easier for me to feel better longer.

Newsgal - I'm here for you and thankful for your honesty. It's nice to know I'm not the only one dealing w/these crazy emotions!

Posie - your honesty is always appreciated. And you're right. I do still have feelings for xOM and it's NOT fair for me to continue to *play* with him. I hadn't really thought of it that way. I'm sure talking to me brought up old feelings for him to - he wouldn't have talked to me for an hour if it hadn't. Nor is it fair to H. We've really been trying to work on things and he has been very supportive and great. He trusts me and I should value that and be worthy of his trust.

Sundrian - I don't have kids, but I am going to rent that movie!! Good way to spend my time while H is gone.

Trish - stay strong. We can do this together!!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 10:35pm

Had a call from one of my best friends today (interestingly, a very handsome guy, a singer, that I interviewed once and coworkers used to tease me about it...but it never, ever crossed into anything. We just became very good friends. He's like one of the girls to me--ironically, it was that friendship that made me think it was harmless to get so close to xOM. But while my friend used to say, "I'm sure your husband counts his blessings to have such a beautiful wife," xOM would say, "You look awesome. You are so beautiful. I can't believe your eyes are so blue." No mention of husband). Anyway, today my friend made me laugh so hard...he was supposed to make a public appearance at a state tree-lighting ceremony and had forgotten about it till he saw a story on the news about him being a no-show...(I give the details because it still makes me laugh, thought you guys would get a chuckle out of it, too). Anyway, when I hung up, I felt twice as good as I ever did talking to xOM. Because there was nothing I couldn't tell my husband about! I spent most of the day Christmas shopping, and buying for other people, and I have to tell you, today was the first day in a long time that I didn't hate myself.

Grace and peace to you tonight.
Newsgal

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
In reply to: actressdiva
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 11:33am

In the For What It's Worth Column:

I think this is an amazing thread. It includes sadness, caution, reasoning, and hope.
(Tipping hat) Very smart.
-LG




Edited 12/19/2004 11:35 am ET ET by leviguy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 10:46am

Thanks again everyone!

Leviguy - you're right...this has been an amazing thread. It's been a great help to me!

Newsgal - If I didn't know better, I'd think we were involved with the same guy! Funny how alot of xOM's show the same behavior. Glad you had one of those "epiphany" moments...too bad we didn't have them sooner!

I was at H's company xmas party Saturday night. I was feeling pretty good - bought a new outfit, H looked great. We were driving along and then I realized that the place we were going was just a few miles away from xOM's place! I took a deep breathe and let it go, but stupid stuff like that kept coming up all night. Then, towards the end of the night, H were dancing to slow song. We came off the dance floor and one of the women who works at his office (and is going through a D) came over and gave me a hug and said, "You guys are just the most perfect couple. I hope to have that magic w/ someone someday." I wanted to cry...there I was laughing, dancing, smiling on the outside, and crying, feeling depressed and wondering what xOM was doing on the inside. How long does it take before that stops??? It's not fair to my H - he deserves my full attention. xOM deserves nothing. I try to ignore it when I start to think about him, but it's frustrating that the thoughts are still there!

Diva

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: actressdiva
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 11:29am

Diva,

We are so similar in thoughts and emotions. The turmoil is driving me crazy. I have such good days, I don't think about him, I don't wonder what he's doing. And then it all comes crashing back down.

I had a huge, horrible fight with my H. this weekend about our Christmas plans. I get so bent out of shape during the holidays anyway, but to have that additional baggage of ending an A., it's just too much. We had one of those screaming, crying fights that we NEVER have. We're not big fighters. We tend to get along pretty well.

Anyway, I was an emotional mess. He couldn't say anything right. Finally it dawned on me, that I wasn't fighting with him, I was fighting with my xMM. I know it sounds stupid, but I never had the chance to yell and scream at him. I always kept the tears in so he wouldn't think I was some kind of weak, spineless girl. I wailed and gnashed my teeth until I was drained.

My poor H. Nobody deserves that. I'll be buying him something extra special for Christmas this year.

For myself, I'm getting some therapy. This just cannot continue, or I'm going to really come unglued. I don't even know who I am anymore!

To add insult to injury, it's really cold here this week.

Wow, what else can I complain about! Time to pull out the positive thoughts and get back on track.

Thanks for letting me vent. Shel

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