new here ... need help/support
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new here ... need help/support
| Sat, 12-18-2004 - 3:50am |
I'm not sure where to begin ... I've never posted here or anywhere, for that matter ... so bear with me - I don't know the shorthand yet. I've been married for twenty years and have 3 kids. Married not happily but not unhappily. "Something" was always missing but I didn't know what. I've changed and grown over the past years, husband has not. We have very little in common except our kids - yet we disagree on many issues concerning them. To make a long story short(er), I started an affair with a single man about 2 years ago. I had no intention of it becoming as serious as it did. It's all so confusing. The man I'm seeing had a lot of personal issues that in our time together I helped him deal with. He was very controlling towards me and, at first, I accepted that. He has tried to change that aspect of his character but I don't think it is totally gone. He demanded that I divorce a year ago. I can't/won't. I could support myself BUT my kids would suffer. I work almost fulltime now, have a very active volunteer life and don't want to give that up. Selfish? Maybe. Anyway, my problem is that I really think I need to end this affair. I have very deep feelings for him and can't imagine life without him. On the other hand, I can't imagine continuing with him either. He has said he wants children - I'm past that (mentally and physically!). My marriage is probably over (he doesn't know about the affair but we've been unhappy and fighting for the past 18 months). But I think that if I could concentrate fulltime on my family that I could manage to "stick it out". Does any of this make sense? I've been seeing a therapist and she tells me that I need to find a way to live within the crazy framework of my life!! WHAT that is supposed to mean, I don't know. I'm sorry for rambling on but maybe someone can help me? I think, to be honest, I know I need to break it off but I have no idea how ...
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Hi,
You really seem to be in a predicament, just like I was.. so welcome to the club.. and we are all here to help and support you.
I just ended my affair with a single man, I have been married 18 years with 2 kids.. had ups and downs, more downs which made me reach out to this person, and I fell in love with him.
I too would never marry again let alone have more children, I have been through that phase in my life :-) very happy phase it was as well, and now I cannot see myself go through it again. But ofcourse that was not the reason I left the OM, he never did ask me to marry him..
I think you need to really think about what would be good for you and your family. If you want to leave your husband, do you think you can have a life with this man? From what you say, it does not seem so.
I think what your therapist meant was that you are juggling so much, your husband and his moods, your career, your kids, your house, your affair, your affair partners moods and demands.... ( i was doing the same really during my A- and sometimes i would ask myself, "how do i manage this - to keep everyone happy")
So your therapist may be trying to tell you to figure out what you really want. And make the choice.
Yes I think that if you really want to concentrate full time on your family, you can do it and though it will be really very hard to break up with your OM and stick to the decision, eventually you may be happier for it. And maybe he can go on to find a woman who can give him the family he wants to have.. kids included..
You take care and I wish you the best.. keep posting and reading, you will find that it works .. these boards have helped me so much, and all my friends here
Trish
CF
Welcome, sorry you find yourself needing to be here.
A couple of brief thoughts for you to consider.
1) The affair is the reason your marriage has gone down hill in the last 18 months, your husband is aware that you have withdraw from him at some level and is reacting to it. Ending the affair and actively working on the marriage in a PRESISTENT LONG TERM WAY could totally turn things around and give you the marriage you want, at the very least you and your children will both know you did your best to save there family.
2)Ending the affair is a decision, we all get there in our own ways for our own reasons, you sound like you have got there or are close to being there, you clearly have your reasons.
The truth is if you were to get together in an open relationship with OM = OTHER MAN, I would have a very high likely hood of failing very quickly and just leave you more hurt and messed up then you may be now.
3)It is easy for me to tell you to cut your loses with XOM and save your family and life but your the one that gets to live through it and it is not easy but you can do it, DECIDE and then do what ever it will take to put XOM out of your life and keep him out, ONLY YOU CAN CHOOSE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM, controling or not he can't force you.
Peace
JMHO
Free
Edited 12/20/2004 12:38 am ET ET by confuzed60
Hi again Confuzed
Yes you cannot imagine how helpful and caring everyone is here on the boards. I have not been long here either, but here are my thoughts on what you wrote.
I read your last post and there were two lines that got my attention
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you were constantly trying to keep up with things, and not able to focus on anything to the fullest, giving the OM priority to everything else and fitting in the other stuff as well as you could in between your schedule with him. Atleast that is what I can make of it, pardon me if I am wrong. And you write that you regret the time you lost.
I also was in love with my OM but there WAS NO future in it and the amount of distress I went through because of him was not worth anything. My family is so much more important and when we are on OM mode, we kind of do things as if we are in a daze, we are there but not there, we smile but are thinking of someone else out there.
I was weak as well, I had broken it off with my OM about 6 times over 2 years each time getting back together with him. This time though I am much stronger and am thinking about myself, my family and what is the best for myself, and eventually what is best for the OM because I can give him no future anyway.
I wish you all the best in your decision.
Take care
Trish