After We've Said Goodbye

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
After We've Said Goodbye
4
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 8:39am

We said Goodbye a few days ago... He told me his wife keeps saying she knows he has a girlfriend and he has tremendous feelings of guilt after we're together and he sees his 4 yr old daughter. I've accepted that it's over and I understand him not wanting to end his marriage and risk losing his daughter. I have guilt too but don't have any children so I'm dealing with my feelings better. I'm sad it's over because I do like him as a friend and I will miss him... I promised myself I wouldn't get too emotionally attached and I've managed to stick to it... I think if I was, I would be a wreck.

I do have questions about how much his wife knows. Does she know my name? Does she know where I live/work? And not knowing the answers to these questions is really, really bothering me. I am scared that she'll contact me or my husband (to the point I'm having nightmares about this). I need to know so I can be prepared.

The only way for me to find out what I need to know, is to call him... I've been holding off doing anything but not knowing is really making me upset. It's been 2 days since we said "good bye". I'm debating if I should call him next week (before Xmas) to get the answers I need to ease my fears... That's the ONLY reason I would even consider calling him, I just need to know. I think I deserve at least that.

What should I do? Any suggestions on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 10:01am

Hi Kat

I think that maybe you should just let sleeping dogs lie.. because if the wife knew all about you and wanted to make trouble she may have done so by now..
Basically its better not to contact him now.

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I have these same feelings because my xOM was a good friend as well, but if we weigh the pros and cons, we can safely see that eventually things will be better and we do have a lot of other friends and relations around who love us as well. Infact, today I did miss xOM a tiny bit, just the friendly conversations we used to have and the laughs.. but I thought of other good stuff.. and just used all my strength to let the feeling pass..

IF however you are really anxious, maybe you can send him a short email stating the worry and ask only for the response to it, for your peace of mind. Thats the only way I can think of.. But be prepared for different reactions from him.. he may not reply, he may suddenly miss you and send you something that will make you want to run back to him.. you never know how it may go and what it may lead to...

So all the best in whatever decision you make but try and be strong and do not let the worry get to you. Be positive

Trish

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 2:52pm

Kat

"""I think that maybe you should just let sleeping dogs lie.. because if the wife knew all about you and wanted to make trouble she may have done so by now..
Basically its better not to contact him now."""

DITTO

If you can't stop yourself is there a third party that knows who could inquire for you while you keep TOTAL NO CONTACT, that one call or e-mail could be the one that brings the roof down on your head, IT'S HAPPENED BEFORE.

JMHO

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-08-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 4:07pm

Hi Original poster (forgot how to go back):

Yes, let it be for now. I lurk here mostly, and am a survivor of having had contact with the wife. In my case, she found out about me/all info. Her biggest desire was to let me have it, and she did. I'm sure it made her feel better, but it did not uplift me in any way. Realistically, I knew she would be extremely tough on me, but what still stuns me, is she assigned no blame, none, to her H. We were together for over two years, and she absolutely would only allow that I had chased him. Clearly, he must have convinced her of this..So, it was over, and I'm left with the knowledge that he sold me out. Please don't contact him or her.

OCT

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 4:42pm

Thanks everyone for the advice. I truly appreciate it.

I'm just trying to recall our conversations, maybe I can answer my own questions and insecurities about what the wife knows and not have to contact him (which I really don't want to do but I am having nightmares and haven't slept all that well since Thursday).

If I remember correctly I think he said 'she just knows'. That made it sound like she had a feeling that he was 'cheating' but nothing concrete... He's a cop and he's been very careful and so have I. I only talk to him on his cell (work phone) or a secure line at his pct... Never calls to his house.

The other thing he said to me was "keep in touch"... And quite truthfully I really don't think I can or want to... It won't allow me to get over this if I do. I'll miss the friendship we had and the conversations we had but I know in my heart I can't continue talking to him without still wanting to be with him.

Thanks again everyone.