I hope I can get through without calling

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
I hope I can get through without calling
8
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 11:01am
ca


Edited 2/9/2005 9:16 am ET ET by littlesoul1
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-16-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 12:08pm

Hiya LS,

If you don't want to contact him, you have options. Examples of these options might be getting out of the house & ensuring you leave your cell at home. You can take a walk. Or go visit a friend. You can always sign up for an underwater basket weaving course at the local college. You have options.

Changing your habits is the quickest way of moving on, if that's what you want.

Hoping not to call him doesn't work, poppet. You have to actually choose not to do so and no one else can do that for you. Making someone your babysitter puts the responsibility on someone elses' shoulders and no one can babysit you 24/7 or stop you from doing something you want to do.

You are the one who has to pick up the phone, dial, await a dial tone, listen to it begin ringing, etc. You can stop at any of these stages. Or you can simply choose not to pick up the phone. It's your choice.

No one here can tell you what to do or how to do it. You decide. To quote Yoda, "Try? Do or do not. There is no try."

So whatcha gonna do?

Wishing you strength & peace,
Posie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 2:17pm

Little

Don't you dare call him, forcus on the pain do you want lots more to go with it.
I wonder if your HUSBAND does not already suspect something is going on and thats way he has started to pull his head out of the sand, you may be withdrawing or getting distant from him and he has noticed.

When you go to C speak your mind do not hold back anything.

DO NOT CALL THAT MAN NOT CONTACT NOT CONTACT NOT CONTACT

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 2:44pm
.


Edited 2/10/2005 11:23 am ET ET by littlesoul1
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sat, 12-18-2004 - 9:59pm

I haven't been on the board in a couple of years. I was here the first year of my affair (I'm single/he's long married), and I sounded sadder than you do, because I simply could not give him up. I went on with the affair for two more years. So whoever of us said that if you pick up the phone you're going to be in a lot more pain for a long time was very right. Don't do it. For one thing, no decent man (single or married) is going to have an affair with a married woman. (You don't want to hear that right now but it's true.) They literally 'prey' on women like us (despite their protects that they've never had an affair before -- believe me, they have).

Secondly -- and I'm surprised your therapist hasn't told you this -- when a woman sleeps with a man chemicals/hormones are activated in us which 'bind' us to the man (very animal -- but we all are). So what you're experiencing first of all is literally 'withdrawals' from these 'drugs.'

Thirdly, affairs for women are (usually) primarily about the emotional 'stuff' we get that we're not getting in our marriages or not getting if we're single. And it's wonderful -- because there are no disagreements over money or in-laws or kids or who is going to take out the trash. If you had the chance to have a normal relationship (you were both single), he would look MUCH differently to you. You might marry him -- but he wouldn't look nearly as great as he does now. We live a childhood dream when we have an affair.

And, last but not least, my XH dragged me into therapy because I was the cause of all of the problems in our marriage (he chose the therapist -- thought she was great). So when after the therapist listened to each of us talk about what we thought the problems were, she turned to my husband and said, "Since you are at least 50% of the problems, what do you think your contribution is to these problems in your marriage?" If there are communication problems in your marriage, you both have problems communicating with each other -- not just him with you. And if you drag him into the therapist's office, as though he were a bad boy, counseling is not going to be very productive.

Now, with all that said -- I and my XMM just broke up a few weeks ago -- just before Thanksgiving. It's the holidays, and I have no family. Last night I went to a casino to gamble (I never do that) just because I couldn't face going home to an empty house. (YES -- I do volunteer work -- thank God -- it is what keeps me sane and makes me realize that no matter what is going on in my life, MOST people have it a lot worse.) I KNOW -- we all know -- what you're going through -- and you have our empathy and our prayers. Keep your self respect (which I didn't), regardless of how your marriage turns out. For simply your own sake and sanity, DON'T PICK UP THAT PHONE.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 10:34am

Bellaterra,

Parts of your story sound so much like mine <>

I was curious about the casino trip, which you had never done. This struck a chord because I have been thinking that perhaps I might try "re-inventing" myself as a way to find a distraction. Perhaps if I were *doing* things I've never tried, I might *develop* a part of myself that I haven't so far. My thinking is that maybe *that* person will quit needing/wanting/missing xMW.

Your thoughts? Thx.
-LG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 12:12pm
Sure, LG. The casino trip left me empty inside; it's not my thing. However, I went back to school -- again! I am working towards my Microsoft Office Certification. (I am retiring next year and will have almost every certification by the time I retire.) I started volunteering at a hospital. My whole job revolves around listening to patients speak about how they are feeling, what they are worried about, etc. I LOVE it. And I started volunteering at a shelter for homeless veterans (in fact, we are giving a Christmas party today for homeless Vets). AND, when I retire next year, I go onto to our university (I already have an AA degree), and *I* am going to be a hospital chaplain -- a BA, a Masters, 1600 supervised on-the-job hours, a 2-year internship AND a national test! LOLOLOLOL I'll be 62 - 65 by the time I'm employable! LOL But I'm going to be going to school AND volunteering. LOL NOW -- as you can see, I have reinvented my spoke in the cosmic wheel, and I'm going to be busy for a long time to come! LOLOLOLOLOL I miss him terribly, but when I realized that I was living a dream and that he wasn't going to take my loneliness away (no one can do that for us) and that my pain was exacerbated by chemicals/hormones -- I decided to end it. Now, conversely, I learned a lot from him, and I wouldn't be doing any of this if I had not been in relationship with him. And that's what's hard to understand sometimes. The men we love touch our lives, our minds, our hearts and our souls, and we do grow in the affair and because of the affair -- nothing we do is completely all bad. I will always be grateful that he was in my life. There will never come a time when I look back in disgust and wish I had not done it. And as my therapist is fond of reminding me -- I touched his life and changed his life also for the better. He just may not realize it yet. My e-mail is BellaTerra66@aol.com. Write if you want. I wish you well!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 5:55pm

I'm considering reinventing myself too. I don't feel like I have anything to give right now as far as volunteer work or anything so noble. I was thinking about learning to tap dance. Suddenly it just doesn't seem as far-fetched as it used to.

Good luck finding your distraction
Crissy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 6:56pm

Crissy,

Yeah, I don't quite know what. I did stop at a no-kill animal shelter last week, but my heart started breaking at the site of all those critters in their pens waiting for a home. I'm sure I could become distracted there, but I right now I don't have the emotional wherewithal to face all those big brown eyes. I *have* begun working on a donation drive at work for this shelter. The idea is to collect food, towels, and blankets not just around the holidays, but throughout the year. I'm pretty excited about this.

Let's see...what else, what else?

Good luck with tap, if you decide to pick it up. Remember why they said Ginger Rogers was a better dancer than her partner Fred Astair--she did everything he did, only backwards and in high heels.

Happy holidays,
-LG