Is it ever really over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Is it ever really over?
11
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 12:18pm

Long time member, poster and lurker here. A with MM lasted just shy of three years (I am single). Have been repeatedly asking him to not contact me any longer and he continues to bait me and I fall for it every time. I understand the "addiction" aspect of this. Ours was physical until he moved out of the area months ago. Has been emotional ever since. He is still M, yet says he is going through a divorce. That is neither here nor there at this point. I thought a few weeks ago it was finally over, but again was baited and again, fell for it. Ending this has been the most difficult thing I have ever had to do. Going through my divorce was easier emotionally than this. When will I learn not to be checking email and voicemail constantly? When will I stop looking over my shoulder, even though he is hundreds of miles away now? I thought I could start breathing again, but find myself short of breath all the time.

The advice here is wonderful. I have been in email contact with another from this board and her support has been unconditional, even though I have managed to screw this up so many times. I have become so dependent on this MM. I truly hope I can say xMM very soon and really mean it. Yesterday, again, I told him to leave me alone. Our cycle is that the hangup phone calls begin after I ask him to stop all contact. That did begin again today, but this time, instead of taking the bait, I emailed my friend and posted here. I have managed to box up all the little gifts received and have put them in the back of the closet, where they are not easy to get to. Perhaps I will donate the stuffed animals to the local women's shelter (and there are a lot of stuffed animals). I have some articles of clothing from him that I need to destroy, or just throw away. The cards will one day be shredded, when I can muster the strength to do so. When I see all that has been given to me and see that I have been able to do nothing of the sort in return, I realize how one-sided this whole sick relationship is/was. When he relocated back to the other state (with his W), he returned the cards and pictures I had given him, for "safekeeping". Yeah, right. He says that one day he will want all of that back. Of course, he cannot have it now and with good reason. I will also destroy all of those as well when I find the strength to do so.

I have started this ending so many times and have seen so many other posters who have done the same. I feel like a failure in that I know this relationship will never go any further than it is now. I could never live with this man, nor would I want him back in this area after everything we have been through. I have let my family down because of my relationship with this person. I have neglected myself, my home, my friends because there are days when all I can do is go to work and then come home and hide. I have kept a wonderful single man at arm's length and I really want to become more involved with him, yet the spectre of the MM is so heavy on my mind that I cannot move forward. I have become an expert liar with my emotions and putting on the show that all is well with the world.

I know this ending MUST stick this time. I have to start concentrating on me and putting myself back together. If I can get through a few days with no contact, then perhaps it might get easier. I know that time heals, but it is so hard to look forward sometimes.

Not sure if I am looking for advice or venting. Thank you for reading and thank you all for being here. Even though I have failed miserably (so far) at ending this once and for all, I have never been turned away from this board and the wonderful people here. God grant me the strength to stick to this now so I can really begin to breathe again.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 12:34pm

Well, I certainly understand. Although I had no clothing, I put everything else -- except one picture of him -- all of our love letters and cards and e-mails into a book box and dumped it into the bottom of a dumpster at a nearby church, on a day when it poured with rain. I cried for two days -- but it was the best thing I ever did, towards ending the affair.

Now -- and you're not going to like this -- I'm not sure it's ever over. Our MM are part of us. We slept with them. They are in our hearts. We are not the same women we were before we started the affair -- and what you may not believe yet is that we are better than we were before we started the affair.

There is nothing wrong with loving. Ever. Loving another changes everything, including us. What is wrong is when we cross the boundaries and start sleeping with them. And I think -- and I may be wrong -- that the emotional pain that we have during the affair and when it is over is our 'punishment' -- our biological punishment because I don't believe God ever punishes -- we do fine with that all by ourselves -- anyway, to go back, our pain is our physical punishment (after all, we live in bodies with chemicals and hormones and memory) for crossing the boundaries.

One of these days you will get very tired of this. (I went through the exact same thing with my second husband -- who I adored but had to leave due to emotional abuse.) And you will have the strength to walk away for good. In the meantime, be compassionate and gentle with yourself, and remember that there is never anything wrong in loving someone else. Don't beat yourself up. Caring for another is not a 'weakness.' But we have to remember to also care for ourselves.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 12:49pm

Thank you, Bella, for your support. I also left my long-term marriage (22 years) because of emotional/verbal abuse and I had the strength to do that. Self-preservation, I told the ex. Self-preservation seems to have gone out the window with this relationship though. I know how damaging it is. His W did find out about us and the guilt I feel over deeply hurting someone I don't even know is sometimes unbearable. Yet, I allowed the contact to continue. I agree that I am forever changed by this relationship. Hopefully, for the good one day in that I will never allow myself to get involved in something like this again.

So far, so good today. Just the two hangups and I have not sent any kind of note to him to stop. I look in the mirror and do not even recognize the sniveling, childish person I have become in all of this. Before, I would send him an email asking him to stop the hangups. Not going to this time though and again, God grant me the strength to stick to it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 1:41pm

Hey,

You note moved me--it is very touching. I know how badly you hurt & I understand how deeply the sorrow of parting is--I related to so much of your story. If you don't mind, I would like to share some of it; this might help me thru the rest of the weekend.

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I agree. I don't know why this is harder. I have tried to understand this, but I can't. Could it be the pain of the D has long been forgotten and the love affair overshadowed that? Again, I don't know, but the NC with xMW is so difficult. Maybe it's the feeling of not being needed. ???

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Ditto. :--(

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I did this once before during our first break up that lasted 2.9 years. Now I'm looking at 2 years worth of a new batch that I have to deal with.

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Boy, I know this feeling. xMW gave me back everything for "safekeeping" even tho they were innocuous items that meant nothing to anyone but us.

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Did I write this?

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I used to "date" about twice a year for appearances sake--some pretty interesting women, too--but I couldn't become interested in them becuase of, well, you understand.

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I don't know how this happens. The three if us were friends (yes, I know how that sounds) so if I wasn't hanging out at their house on weekends, I was home by myself thinking up excuses to get over there, or I was out buying little forget-me-nots for MW.

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Yeah, I gave & gave & ran errands for & house sat when they vacationed & helped around the house/yard & gave support/back up at work, and I got very little in return. Birthday gifts, sure; outstanding sex, you betcha; but, I know I wanted THE connection on another level that *used* to be there--I could feel it fading, but denied it.

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If she phones me, I'll really tell her off. PS: Brooklyn Bridge for sale, contact Leviguy.

Jeeze, I swear I thought I wrote this. Thanks for letting me commiserate with your post.
-LG

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:17pm

My greatest fear -- from the beginning -- was that his wife would find out. When we started our A, he and his wife had been married 35 years. Supposedly -- as far as I know -- she didn't find out (although my therapist says that most of the time, somehow they 'know' even if they can't put their finger on what is wrong or they just don't want to confront their spouse -- she says sometimes the spouse really doesn't care because then she the spouse is not bothered by his wanting sex from her). Regardless, you're lonely, and that's why most of us get into an A. You're probably working outside your home (or by telecommute). But go back to school. Do some volunteer work. Do something so that you are not spending great amounts of time at home and alone. You'll be surprised at how improving your mind (and possibly your future) and/or helping others who are WAY less fortunate that we are. Don't be home, if you can help it, and distract yourself from your pain. It speeds up the healing process greatly. I gave up my apartment, moved to a different (although nearby) city, and I rent a room from a family with three children (one who is severely disabled). I get very lonely -- still -- but I don't have a lot of time to wallow in it. BTW, all of us are lonely -- we just expect that our spouses or family or lovers or friends will end the loneliness. All they do is distract us from our loneliness. When you're stronger and more healed, you can sit with your loneliness and 'listen' to what it is saying to you, without being overwhelmed by it. Please be gentle with yourself right now. You are NOT a failure, no matter what you do or don't do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:21pm

dear Iamtired,
I didnt even finish reading your post yet because i had to respond to the line "I feel like a failure in that I know this relationship will never go any further than it is now. "

THAT my dear....doesnt make you a FAILURE...it makes you finally...A WINNER..A SMART PERSON...THE PERSON THAT YOU WERE before it got messed up! Its finally evidence that you are not stupid, not a failure, and not blind and most importantly in DENIAL of what and how things SHOULD be.

get it???

Those thoughts...make it easier for me as well. This physically and emotionally SUCKS right now...but it can only get better once we can spring up from the bottom.

ok..i am going to go back and read the rest of your very very well written post.
::hugs::

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:48pm

You are welcome. I hope that some of my pain, when shared, can help others heal in addition to myself. Our "physical" parting actually happened in July 2003 when he lost his apartment here due to a job loss and was "forced" to move back in with his w in another state. I did not know he was married, at the beginning of our relationship, but did not run when I found out a few weeks later.

As for the marriage/affair ending comparison.... My marriage never had the emotions that this A had. I did all the right things in all the right order. Got married, had my children, raised them. Now the marriage is over, the children are grown and I met this person who totally turned my world upside down. The emotions were far different than those of my marriage. I was relieved to leave an unhappy marriage that left scars that will never be visible. I was divorced over a year when I met MM. Why didn't I run the moment I learned he was married? I will be kicking myself for that one for months, if not years, to come.

Thank you for sharing.... It does help me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 2:52pm

Thank you as well. The feeling of failure comes, not as a result of this relationship not working, but as a result of realizing there is something in my makeup that allowed me to continue to be involved with this man, even after I learned he was married.

I am very grateful for the responses to my post. It has turned my day around and given me some hope that life can be better.

This board and the posters here are a godsend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 3:03pm

It was also a fear of mine. They have been married 26 years. When he told me that she suspected there was someone, part of me died inside. I have never been a BS and cannot imagine the pain that discovery has caused. I was lonely when I met him. A year out of my divorce and no real prospects. We met and he told me he was divorced. I had no reason to question it because he had an apartment here and we went out in public. It was only after I started questioning the frequent trips back to his home state that he told me he was married, but it was only a "marriage of convenience". All the same stories so many of us have heard. They were more friends that spouses, etc., etc., etc.

I do keep myself busy. There are times when I do just sit and hide from the world but I am trying to get my focus on the man that I have been seeing for a while now. We have kept the relationship very light and I want to go further, but until I can rid myself of the MM, I cannot let myself become more involved. Best thing is, I know he is single.

I am putting my youngest son through college right now and when he is finished, it will be time for mom to go back. It may be an excuse, but the money just is not there for both of us to go. His father is not much help either... seems he is unable to hold down a job for very long since our divorce. Volunteering is a good idea and something I have thought about and maybe it is time to act on it.

I do appreciate your insight and your taking the time to read and respond to me. All of this helps. It has helped in the past, but now that I am finally ready for this to be over, I will be here more often and probably post more often as I struggle through this.

Thank you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 3:27pm
Please don't kick yourself. There is no 'flaw' in our makeup. We're just caring women and very human. I admire you for putting your son through college. That's not easy to do, I know first-hand. I didn't go back to school until my two sons were through with college. In fact, that's how the affair started: I was out of my marriage two years, alone and lonely, concerned about money, and spending too much time by myself. I wish I had started volunteering then. Well, hindisight is always best. I have to run to help set up for the homeless Vets party! Thank God. I get a lot more than I give, as the old saying goes. You take care. This is going to get easier and easier, day by day, with some setbacks. All very normal.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 12-19-2004 - 4:23pm
Been there, done that and I know that for some of us this is a very LONG process. I must have initiated NC so many times over the past four years. This is finally it though, and my heart just feels different at this point. I am truly ready to move on. I am truly and totally disgusted with the whole situation. Stop beating yourself up for failing at NC...some people have to try more than once. Just keep doing what you are doing.

Jazzdiva

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