I hit *67 and told the Wife.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
I hit *67 and told the Wife.
57
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:15pm

After 2.5 years in an affair where we both are in love but he is married with 2 kids. The 1st child is from her previous relationship but he raised the kid as his own. He has ben telling me he just couldn't see putting him through a 2nd broken home and has always told me he can't abandon his kids. I have watched him become a miserable very unhappy bitter man because of our love for each other but him KNOWING what we were doing was wrong.

I myself have been through hell....moving away, breaking it off, begging for him not to call--then I go and call him. We have tried to break it off and we just couldn't. I feel we are both wonderful caring people but we have been very selfish because we didn't walk away when the feelings were there and we KNEW what would happen.

After being on the merry go round forever I knew the ONLY way to ebd things was if SHE found out. So I hit *67 and when she picked up I said "He's cheating on you" and hung up. I had convinced myself this was the only way out. Well when she confronted him he told her everything. Said he loved me but loved his kids and it was impossible. He said he answered every question honestly and even told her that if the kids weren't in the picture he would've left her a long time ago. He doesn't know it was ME that called and he hasn't asked either.

That was a week ago. He said they are talking and trying to figure out what to do. He told me he told he he loved me but couldn't imagine being a part time dad either. He was puking and crying all weekend. We agreed that we shouldn't see or talk to each other until it's done one way or another.

As evil as I feel for calling there is a bigger sense of relief. No more rollercoaster or NOT knowing for sure what will happen. I just wanted it to end one way or another.

BUT what do I do if they split and he comes to me? I never stopped to think about what a terrrible secret I will have to keep from him. How can I ever tell him what I've done? How will I look him in the eye?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:37pm

Wow...I'm kinda new here...but it looks like you forced something to happen that he really should have done on his own. The secret you would have to keep with him seems kinda irrelevant compared to the wondering you'll have to do about if he ever would have chosen to be with you without your "help."

I'm totally not judging you...I feel like I've done my damage too. By pleading and crying and asking the gods "why?!"....by being involved in an affair in the first place...by repeatedly humiliating myself with him since it's been over. I'm still a wreck...I probably have no right to even give an oppinion on this.

Your MM's situation sounds very similar to mine...but I don't think I could ever make the call that you did. I want him more than anything...but I wouldn't want to be with him if I had to "make it happen" unbeknownst to him.

Good luck to you...you might want to think about telling him(if you plan on being with him.)




Edited 12/20/2004 6:43 pm ET ET by crissy707
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:37pm

LLL,
<>

I completely disagree with this tactic; it FORCES his wife to do the messy work. You wanted out, so why didn't you just walk? Too hard? We all know that feeling but we try, we screw up, we try again. That way, the innocent don't have wash our sheets.

If you wanted out that badly, you should have told her your name--better yet, wear the letter "A" on your chest for a few months. Accept your part.

You got out pretty "clean," didn't you. Not very fair.

FYI: I'm not yelling--I dumbstruck. I'm sorry you felt you had to take that drastic of a step to end it.
-LG
PS:
<>
You can always dial *67 and say, "Your OW ratted you out," and hang up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:43pm
I did tell her muy name....and NOT that it's an excuse but I was also on a little to much Xanax that I had been taking when I was tyrying to end things the 'right way'
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 6:49pm

<>

If you, in fact, told her...he knows.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 8:03pm

<<<>>>


LG,


I laughed at your retort

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2003
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 8:11pm

Id,

I hear ya...let's see how this goes.
-LG

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 8:16pm
Just to let you know *67 only blocks your number from caller ID. Now if she hit *57 she will trace the call back to you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2004
Mon, 12-20-2004 - 8:37pm

I haven't even read the other replies, so I don't know what anyone else has said. I think what you did is truly dispicable. It's bad enough that we have affairs with MM but I always believed (I may be wrong) that we had enough honor not to interfere with their families. In the three years I was with my MM, I never even drove by his house. I never even THOUGHT of calling my MM's wife or even home. What are you going to do if he comes to you? You're going to just have to live with it, because there is NO WAY you can relieve yourself of your guilt by making him share it with you. And you call what you did 'loving him?' Sounds like the only person you love is yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 2:35pm

I've read all the posts to your message and there a some very harsh words being passed along here.

I'm not condoning what you did; I agree it was wrong, but I have thought about doing similar things myself and I would bet that many others have thought along the same lines. Sometimes when the pain is so great, you just want the OM to feel it too and depending how things ended or didn't end, there are those moments when one loses all sense of good judgement. I think in my case I told myself that if I truly loved the OM I couldn't hurt him like that even though I knew he had betrayed his W many times in the past and not with me. I knew it wasn't my choice to inform her of his actions and considering that I was a willing participant myself, I didn't think I had the right to say anything.

Maybe we can all learn from your actions. I wouldn't say anything to him though. If you are to be together at some point, I think it's in your best interest to keep silent about what you did. He should have told his W about the A but since your actions forced him to confess, I think he certainly would resent you for pressuring him into the truth. You might think twice about wanting him in your life if this is the way you get him.

Good luck,
g

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Tue, 12-21-2004 - 3:24pm

My A has been over for quite a while now.. I was in the same situation tired of it all and hoping that it would end somehow. In the end she knew and found out on her own.. He was less than careful in the things he did like he wanted her to find out. We got ourselfs into the A together shouldn't a revelation like this be talked about?
He was my friend first and foremost before the A ever began to read this really saddened me. (That was a week ago. He said they are talking and trying to figure out what to do. He told me he told he he loved me but couldn't imagine being a part time dad either. He was puking and crying all weekend. We agreed that we shouldn't see or talk to each other until it's done one way or another)
I would be forever guilt ridden if something I did caused him so much pain.

I am unsure if you are married yourself since you did not mention it in your post. But what he is going through right now is not easy at all. He is not only dealing with his own pain but also what his wife is putting him through im sure..
Put yourself in her situation.. How would you feel it someone called you and told you that they were having a A with your H?

Also regarding your comment that you told her your name isnt making since to me.. You said
(He doesn't know it was ME that called and he hasn't asked either.So I hit *67 and when she picked up I said "He's cheating on you" and hung up.) To me the first thing that she would have said was that Jane Doe just called and told me this.. Why would she not say your name??

Edited 12/21/2004 3:26 pm ET ET by mjean04




Edited 12/21/2004 3:33 pm ET ET by mjean04

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