Tell me I'm doing the right thing
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| Tue, 12-21-2004 - 2:57pm |
I am so so sick of hurting over this A! The gods were trying to send me a message today. I need to listen to it, but I keep holding on hoping things will get back to the way they were two months ago. I know it will never be like that again. Why do I keep letting myself get hurt like this?
It's been a week since I've seen MM. I've been telling him I wanted to see him today (his day off) for a couple of days, but he wouldn't commit to anything. Last night I told him I'd be over in the morning, and he said to call him. So I said 10:30? He said too early.
This morning I called at 10:45 and there was no answer. Thought he was still sleeping so I went to the store. Called at 11:15 and he was in his car going xmas shopping! I looked at my phone and saw he called at 10:20 this morning, but I was blow-drying my hair and missed the call. I thought, wow, he called ME. Nope. He only called because he saw my number on his phone from another time I called and he was calling me back.
Okay, so I didn't call early because he said he wanted to sleep in, but he didn't. He called me, but only because he thought I'd called. If I would've gotten his call, we would've had time to meet, but I missed the call for the 5 minutes I was blow-drying my hair. HELLOOO! Not meant to be. This whole A is not meant to be.
I talked to him for a little bit, but he was kind of a jerk about it. Said to "be strong". Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't bother him a bit when we don't see each other. We have no chance to get together now for 2 more weeks. I don't think I want to keep an A going where I only see the person once a month or so. What's the point? Lot of pining and hurting for the few hours a month we're together? I don't need this pain.
I've been crying for 2 hours. I just feel like this pathetic puppy dog that's following him around, and I keep coming back every time I get kicked away. I'm a person. I have some dignity. I don't need this man. He's supposed to buzz my phone later today, but if he does, I'm not going to call back. This is it for me. I have to end this. Most things we work hard for and cry over have some kind of reward in it at the end. This is all pain for nothing.
I've had enough.
Breathe

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Quit putting your hand on the hot stove! You can't take the cookies out of the oven without a mitt! The purpose of pain is to keep us from mutilating ourselves. When it hurts, stop, go the other direction. The endorphins are supposed to help us for the short-term, not make it okay to lean on the burner or reach into the oven over and over again.
(I've been learning this lesson, too.)
(((Hugs))) You're going to survive this. Be glad that you can feel the pain. Otherwise, you wouldn't know how badly you're hurting yourself.
Thanks, newsgal. It's a nice explanation for the pain, but I wish I was one of those people that just listened to my mother when she said, "The stove is hot. Stay away from it."
BTW, the whole afternoon went by and I did not get a buzz from MM on the phone. Of course I was disappointed in one respect, but I'm glad in another because it just made it clearer to me how unimportant I am to him.
Now I just have to start thinking in terms of NC. Sigh.
Breathe
Before things ended with xOM/MM (he was divorcing, now divorced) he was tapering off contact, the last two or three weeks especially. He would always call, but the calls came later, and were shorter, and I was getting tired of the whole thing. Ironically, twice he asked me not to break up with him, told me I was the only thing that was giving him the strength to get through his divorce. Then, as soon as it was done, he sat down with me and told me he couldn't be the reason for my marriage ending, etc., etc. I have to say, at the beginning, I felt just relief. Relief the ongoing pain and deception were over. That there was no more agonizing decision to make. However, he told me he loved me twice after that and that he was suffering, so I thought perhaps he really was "the one" and that I had a chance at setting my life right if I grabbed life by the horns, left my husband, and ran straight to him. So the door was opened again, and the agony began again. I was still thinking about him. Missing him. Longing for him. Replaying moments with him over and over in my mind. Not paying attention to my husband and my child as I should have been doing all along. Then xOM went from sad and longing to cold and indifferent, sometimes even mean. Then, after the hostility, friendship (so it seemed). Then, when I was feeling comfortable with that, he went back to being cold, and I went back to feeling weepy. Until I finally said "to heck with him!" My new mantra. Life is simply just too short to be wasted this way.
Take control. Don't respond to him. Trust me, I would rather have held on to that shred of dignity that I now can't take back. If you do talk to him, tell him it's over. IT'S NOT WORTH THE PRICE YOU'RE PAYING. This is not how life was meant to be lived! Keep telling yourself over and over. Freedom is when you aren't running to check your phone to see if you missed a call or got a TM. Freedom is not sneaking to check your email. Freedom is looking others in the eye and not having to lie about what you've been doing all day or where you've been when you go out. It's going somewhere and enjoying what you're doing and not thinking about what he's doing at the moment. Don't just exist, LIVE!
(I'm preaching to myself here, too, you know.)
Oh my gosh Newsgal, that was such a powerful post! You described the way I was many times....checking that phone for the text message, waiting for the phone call. This past year XOM was totally devoted to me and very loving and attentive but as soon as things took a nosedive and I was sitting around waiting for the call I said ENOUGH! This is so freaking demeaning! I'm a grown woman and I'm sitting getting sick to my stomach because this S.O.B. changed the "rules" again. Screw that! So then I made some decisions for myself and decided that over means OVER. Not the once a month drive down and throw me a bone bullcrap. If I'm breaking up my family it is for ME, not for some person that can't make up his mind what he wants and puts himself first time and time again. So I changed my number and didn't even bother giving the goodbye letter or phone call. He didn't like that, but too freaking bad. I feel the relief that you talk about. Not checking the phone because he can't call me even if he wanted to. I had to call him and ask him not to call my landline because his number was showing up on the caller ID. He sounded all sad and concerned but I wouldn't talk to him. I have too much to say and I would be too emotional. I'm not ready to give him that....to give him a reaction of me crying. I told him a long time ago that if he let me down again I was leaving for good and I wasn't going to even say goodbye. I guess that he forgot that.
OH I sound strong but believe me girls, I have my moments. I called before thinking his voice mail would pick up but wouldn't you know it he answered the phone. gee that's funny, before I implemented NC he would have the phone off or not bother picking it up. Who is sitting by the phone now , huh?
Okay, now I'm going off on a tangent. Breathe you are doing the right thing. You really are doing the right thing. It doesn't feel like it sometimes. Believe me, there have been plenty of times during NC that I call my girlfriend up (the only one that knows) and I say "please tell me why i'm doing this again? " It is sad how we are so sad that we start to doubt ourselves.
What makes it harder for me is that I don't have this wonderful H to go back to. My H is the same moron that caused me to be unhappy enough to have an A in the first time....only now he's even WORSE because he suspects that I had an A. But you know what? He never abused me or played with my emotions as much as XOM. He makes 200K a year and never denies me money. He is an excellent father. My children adore him. I was going to walk away from all that to marry this schmuck. Man was I stupid...or should I be kind to myself and say Naive.
I know that I am doing the right thing and so are you...HOWEVER doing the right thing doesn't always feel good. It isn't always easy. Keep fighting the good fight...
Jazzdiva
Last summer I walked by a young high school couple. She was tall and heavy and ugly as sin. He was short and looked like a gang-banger. She said, "Do you love me?" He said, "Of course, baby, you know I do." I said to her, "No, he doesn't." She asked, "WHAT??" I said, "If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer." She answered, "Oh my god, you're right!" (The guy started to cuss me out -- I got in my car and locked my doors.) At that moment I started to wake up myself. It took four more months -- but I left MM. I have my moments also -- but they get fewer and farther between. Get some counseling -- 'cause you're going to need to have someone to talk to about this and not just here. When we have affairs there's always something more going on beneath the surface that we aren't aware of. Find out what it is. And thank God for your blessings. You marriage and family are still together. You WILL survive this and be a much, much better person. And congratulations! :-)
JB,
It’s funny – the writing appears on the wall but at first, we say it’s too small to read, can’t make it out. But really we can, we just don’t want to. Next it may look like it is written in Greek, and we say, can’t read Greek, but really we can. Then it appears in cyphers and we say, don’t have a decoding book, but yet we do. Finally one day after so much pain and suffering have been endured we open our eyes and see the message and realize that things are just not going to work out. When that happens, the most painful thing of all occurs. It means that all the promises, the shared moments, the exchanged gazes, the wishes, everything you had with that person must get tossed in the trash. That to me was the hardest part. But you know what? I don’t fret when the phone doesn’t ring or the email icon doesn’t flag or when 2:00 comes and I’m supposed to meet OW and my boss holds me in his office for an extra 10 minutes. No, I do not miss that at all. Do I still miss her? Oh yes, wayyyy toooo much!
I’m sorry to say this but if this person wanted to be with you, they would. I have said this about 1.25E+07 times: you can’t make someone want to be with you. Accepting the fact that they don’t for whatever the reason, is really hard to do. I’m not going to sit here and say that A’s are bad and you owe to your H and family to get out this or whatever. Only you know that situation and what is right there. What I do know is what you are doing is wrong for yourself, because I put myself through it too. It is so hard letting go of your dreams, the feelings and the good times you had with that person, but when the house is burning and you are starting to burn along with it, it’s time to get out. You are doing the right thing - Be strong
Edited 12/21/2004 10:55 pm ET ET by lostvoyage
Breathe -
It's amazing how we all have such similar stories...
When my A first started, xOM would go to EXTREME lengths to spend just 5 minutes with me - meeting me after a meeting when I was on my way home, driving half an hour out of his way to meet me after a hair appt., etc. etc....
Towards the end though, he started making excuses why he couldn't meet me...then the meetings got few and far between, and when we were together, they were short and strained. Emails and phone calls too. Whne I tried to break things off, he said he couldn't imagine his life without me...so I stuck around until HE was ready to end it. And now, I'm here.
You deserve better - we all do. You have to know that you deserve someone who wants you - all of you. I hate to hear things like this because I have been there, and degrated myself to allowing xOM to treat me that same way. PLEASE don't allow him to treat you like dirt!! Stand up for yourself - I promise you, you will feel alot better!!
Luv,
Diva
Mine used to go out of his way to see me too. And I used to get phone calls throughout the day...even when I knew he was way busy at work...just calling to say that he loves me.
Now I have an ex who wants to be best friends again...only. I thought I wanted it...just to keep him in my life somehow.
Tonight there was a text message..."are we still friends?"
I just unloaded on him...via text message (how lame is that?) I told him that I wanted to be friends but it was killing me to do it. Then I just went on...told him that I was emotionally destroyed and still crying(can you believe that I said this??)
I am a strong woman...damnit!! I should never have let him see me this way. I mean...I've accepted that it's over.
Every day I feel like I am back to square one.
Similar stories indeed. If I could get that first year we had together back, I'd rewind the clock right now. The second year was ok, but that's when I began noticing changes, and as we entered into the third year of the A, I knew it was over for me. I wanted the intensity of that first year..no, correction, I NEEDED that.
Breathe, you sound so much like me in terms of his days off from work and the expectations you had for the two of you on those days. In the beginning, we moved hell and high water to cut out some time for us. Then I began having trouble reaching him on those days, he knew I was online all morning yet I'd never see him sign on. Oh, eventually he'd call, but not until after hours of anxiety trying to track where the hell is a$$ was. It was as if he knew I'd be there when HE was ready to see me, and I'd come running like the faithful puppy I was. Same thing with his lunch hours (which was the only other time we'd be able to see each other)..it was always HIS call if he had the "time" to get away. The euphoria I had in the beginning of this was being replace with gut wrenching pain.
Now things are on MY terms. The A is over and it's killing him that I have the control now. I've taken away his toy he kept in his back pocket, that was always available to him when he had nothing else to do (at least that's how he made me feel).
I can't tell you the strength you feel when you take back that power you had over him in the beginning of your A. It's what's getting me through the rough spots.
Dejavu for me too! My xMM was my devotee for the first few months. He would sit outside my house for just a glimpse of me walking past my dining room window.
His wife found out about us, and he was much less devoted because he had to be super secret. Then she got pregnant, and I became his plague, his mistake. For another year, I let this go on. He would go away, and come back strong just like old times, and then make me feel stupid because I was always willing to take him back. Over and over and over again I did this. Why? I asked myself that same question all the time, and I always thought that he wouldn't come back if he didn't really want me and love me. How ignorant is that logic?
Breathe, you've been given a gift. You've seen the writing on the wall BEFORE you were caught, and before you lost one more ounce of your pride. You are right, you shouldn't have all the pain and none of the reward.
It's an understatement to say you (we) deserve better. In truth, you deserve it all--all the attention, the affection and the love.
Good luck in your recovery, and congratulations on your new-found freedom.
Shel
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