I know what you mean by not wanting the attention to end. I think that's the most intoxicating feeling both parties get from the A. Being in a long term marriage, and then having this man who thinks you're beautiful and wants to be with you. They shower you with compliments and that INCREDIBLE way they look at you. We all know that feeling. It clouds your otherwise good judgement and you are hooked. The kicker is for me, that my H DOES give me that kind of attention and always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. But somehow, it means something else when it's coming from a man other than your H.
It shouldn't, but it does. Anyway, be patient with yourself and know what you're feeling is normal. Closing the door to something that consumed you for so long is bound to leave you feeling empty for awhile. BUT, because YOU are the one calling the shots on this, you will feel more at peace with that choice, then if you left the decision up to your OM.
I understand your feelings about the attention. My husband does compliment me at times, but I am emotionally starved by him. To walk in a door and see a look of someone who truly is so happy you are there, gosh how I understand. I agree with the last post. When you are ready to send that note you will. Once it is sent, you can't unsend it. Try to hang in there. Believe me, I know how hard it is. ((HUGS))
ilost, I think you have to be prepared for the outcome of your letter to OM. He definitely isn't going to be happy about it, and will either react by being mean or trying to hold on to you the best he can. But you have the strength and it sounds like you know it is what has to be done. As far as the attention from your husband, think back to when you first started dating. Do you remember the attention he gave you then? All relationships start out in the lovey-dovey phase. You probably gave him alot more attention back then too. We tend to get so swept up in how great it feels to be adored, wanted and doted on that we forget about the people that once adored us the same way. People just tend to show their love/attention in different ways as they get older and are together longer. I think about all of the attention that my OM gave me and it was all just a facade. He maintained me the best way he knew how to keep on screw*ing me. Low self-esteem shows and is easy for others to use to there advantage. Good luck to you in all that you decide. Take one day at a time and stay strong! ~Meg
I cannot tell you how many times I sent the "back off" email (after having it sit in "Draft" for many revisions). The result was always he contacted more and did not want to let go. I sent the final email to him (on the 19th), asking him to back off now and I have received many hangup phone calls since. I do not have caller ID on my home phone, but one was to my cell and it was his number. Our pattern was that he would call repeatedly and hang up, then I would email him asking him to stop and that would start everything up again. I have not emailed him and the hangups have not stopped yet, but maybe soon they will. I may have to resort to changing my numbers to unlisted numbers.
I am not married and I felt so smothered by his calling at any given time of the day or night, when he just felt like talking or it was convenient for him.
I am sure your OM will not like the email and may try everything to keep you hanging on, but these relationships are so destructive to our souls. Mine has picked away at my soul until I almost could not feel anything anymore. I refuse to let someone have that much power over me.
These relationships are addictive as so many have pointed out and the "high" we get keeps us hanging on. I look back at everthing that has happened in the past three years that I allowed this man to be part of my life and I truly cannot believe what I had turned into. A liar, a sneak... I let my family down and my own health because I was so embroiled in this relationship. My attempts at ending this started when I learned this man was married, but I just kept getting sucked back in and allowed myself to fall in love with this person. I have beat myself up repeatedly over why I allowed this to happen. I fell for the "promises" over and over again and guess what? He is still married. Says he is divorcing, but I don't know that I even believe that. Going backward does no good. What we need to do is learn from our mistake and grow from it.
Please don't feel as though you are an "idiot" and you are not "stupid". You are doing the most emotionally healthy thing that you can do by ending this.
Sending that final email was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and sticking to NC on my end has been even more challenging. I am just keeping myself busy and know that time will take care of this. I doubt that I will ever stop loving this man, but I have to integrate those feelings into the rest of my life and move on.
You will send it when you're ready.
I know what you mean by not wanting the attention to end. I think that's the most intoxicating feeling both parties get from the A. Being in a long term marriage, and then having this man who thinks you're beautiful and wants to be with you. They shower you with compliments and that INCREDIBLE way they look at you. We all know that feeling. It clouds your otherwise good judgement and you are hooked. The kicker is for me, that my H DOES give me that kind of attention and always tells me how beautiful and sexy I am. But somehow, it means something else when it's coming from a man other than your H.
It shouldn't, but it does. Anyway, be patient with yourself and know what you're feeling is normal. Closing the door to something that consumed you for so long is bound to leave you feeling empty for awhile. BUT, because YOU are the one calling the shots on this, you will feel more at peace with that choice, then if you left the decision up to your OM.
I understand your feelings about the attention. My husband does compliment me at times, but I am emotionally starved by him. To walk in a door and see a look of someone who truly is so happy you are there, gosh how I understand. I agree with the last post. When you are ready to send that note you will. Once it is sent, you can't unsend it. Try to hang in there. Believe me, I know how hard it is. ((HUGS))
C
I think you have to be prepared for the outcome of your letter to OM. He definitely isn't going to be happy about it, and will either react by being mean or trying to hold on to you the best he can. But you have the strength and it sounds like you know it is what has to be done.
As far as the attention from your husband, think back to when you first started dating. Do you remember the attention he gave you then? All relationships start out in the lovey-dovey phase. You probably gave him alot more attention back then too. We tend to get so swept up in how great it feels to be adored, wanted and doted on that we forget about the people that once adored us the same way. People just tend to show their love/attention in different ways as they get older and are together longer. I think about all of the attention that my OM gave me and it was all just a facade. He maintained me the best way he knew how to keep on screw*ing me. Low self-esteem shows and is easy for others to use to there advantage.
Good luck to you in all that you decide.
Take one day at a time and stay strong!
~Meg
Dear ilost,
I cannot tell you how many times I sent the "back off" email (after having it sit in "Draft" for many revisions). The result was always he contacted more and did not want to let go. I sent the final email to him (on the 19th), asking him to back off now and I have received many hangup phone calls since. I do not have caller ID on my home phone, but one was to my cell and it was his number. Our pattern was that he would call repeatedly and hang up, then I would email him asking him to stop and that would start everything up again. I have not emailed him and the hangups have not stopped yet, but maybe soon they will. I may have to resort to changing my numbers to unlisted numbers.
I am not married and I felt so smothered by his calling at any given time of the day or night, when he just felt like talking or it was convenient for him.
I am sure your OM will not like the email and may try everything to keep you hanging on, but these relationships are so destructive to our souls. Mine has picked away at my soul until I almost could not feel anything anymore. I refuse to let someone have that much power over me.
These relationships are addictive as so many have pointed out and the "high" we get keeps us hanging on. I look back at everthing that has happened in the past three years that I allowed this man to be part of my life and I truly cannot believe what I had turned into. A liar, a sneak... I let my family down and my own health because I was so embroiled in this relationship. My attempts at ending this started when I learned this man was married, but I just kept getting sucked back in and allowed myself to fall in love with this person. I have beat myself up repeatedly over why I allowed this to happen. I fell for the "promises" over and over again and guess what? He is still married. Says he is divorcing, but I don't know that I even believe that. Going backward does no good. What we need to do is learn from our mistake and grow from it.
Please don't feel as though you are an "idiot" and you are not "stupid". You are doing the most emotionally healthy thing that you can do by ending this.
Sending that final email was one of the most difficult things I have ever done and sticking to NC on my end has been even more challenging. I am just keeping myself busy and know that time will take care of this. I doubt that I will ever stop loving this man, but I have to integrate those feelings into the rest of my life and move on.
Good luck to you.