I don't get it!!

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
I don't get it!!
15
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 8:56pm

I've had the strangest day...

For the last few months I've felt as though I've really accepted the end of my affair. After five years I realized it would never go anywhere, and that I was messing up my 'real' life by staying in it despite how deep my feelings were for OM. He made it clear that he wanted to stay in the affair, but that he didn't feel he could offer me a future - regardless of us talking about being together for most of our affair. He's a very busy lawyer and he didn't think he's ever see his kids if he divorced. Anyway, I had then suggested we be friends and he didn't think he could handle that if we weren't having sex - he felt he would be frustrated. The whole thing made me feel that he was saying - have sex with me, or its over. I chose for it to be over and as I said, I haven't turned back.

Anyway, things have been rocky with my husband, I'm trying, but its hard. Although I've accepted things are over with OM, for some reason today I really felt sad and missed him. Then out of the blue tonight he called and asked if he could quickly come by (my husband wasn't home and he knew that) I was shocked and said OK. Anyway, he came over and gave me some earrings. My little boy was home and so he whispered in my ear that he couldn't give me what I wanted and deserved, but he missed me. Then he left. The earrings are beautiful. About a year ago, he had bought me some earrings. I never saw them. but from what he described these sound very much like them. He'd hardly ever bought me anything and one time when we had a fight he threw them out of his car as he drove down the highway. I was so upset about that. They sounded so beautiful and I wanted them so bad. Now here I am with what sounds like a very similar set of earrings. I'm so happy he gave them to me, but now what??? Its still over, so why did he give them to me?

I didn't/couldn't say much while he was here, so I sent an email saying they were beautiful. He answered so are you...it was sweet, but I deleted it without replying. I really don't understand why he showed up now - why he gave me this gift after all the times I asked him to replace the earrings and he wouldn't, he's hardly ever given me any gifts and never anything as beautiful as these - why now and why tell me what he did? If its over, then why? It all has really stirred up so many feelings - why would he do that if nothing has changed? I just don't get it!!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 12-22-2004 - 9:33pm

crystal

I think that it is pretty clear he wants to work his way back into your pants, there is no mystrey here, the ownly question is are you going to let him.

By the By is there any way he could have learned that you and hubby had a bad week and he sees an opportunity to exploit, how did he know your husband is away.

NOT ONE THING SWEET HERE THIS IS JUST PLAIN OLD FASHION MANIPULATION

FREE

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 7:56am
Maybe you're right. He's definitely not one to give a gift for no reason at all. In fact in the five years I was seeing him - this is only the third thing he's ever given me. The first being a very small gift. Perhaps he thinks that presents will lure me back to it all. I'm not sure, but he is one to always have a hidden motive...
Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 9:44am

Thank you - that really helps.

We did really love each other, and it hasn't been easy to let go. I've been trying really hard, and I suppose I will continue to do so. I don't see any other options and as you say it gets to the point where you basically torture yourself if you don't walk away.

Still I'm glad he gave me the earrings. It meant so much.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2004
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 10:06am

My Dear Crystal,


Maybe you shouldn't have had him come over, but I am not one to judge. My first initial reaction to your post was, "You have now gone from the "WS" to a bonified "Mistress." Doesn't sound

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 10:56am

Crystal-

You know this person probably more than anyone, so I'm sure you can at least somewhat guess what his motives are. To be honest, it looks like you are really trying to get out of this, as such, I wouldn't do or say anything more. If you really like the earrings and they won't get in you trouble, keep them. After all, gifts should be given with no expectations, if they are, all the more reason to keep them! I gave OW several pairs of earrings - her live-in BF is too clueless to even notice.

Free -

Yeah, I shouldn't be so quick to judge. Neither of us know the other's story, so we'll leave it at that. I guess in some regards I am like one of the girls. When it comes to talking about this kinda stuff, guys just don't do it. I mean when I'm at the gym, am I supposed to tell everyone in the locker room I had an affair with the most amazing woman but it's over and I'm broken hearted? NOT! I came to this board at the recommendation of a friend whose been carrying me on her shoulders for the past few months. Since I'm pretty heavy, she needs a break now and then. It has been a help, that's for sure.

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 1:28pm

Its funny - I had a feeling I would 'hear' from him soon. Somehow I just thought it would be a Christmas email. This really took me by surprise - thats for sure!!

Interesting you menion giving the earrings back - to be honest I never even considered it. I had wanted these earrings so badly when he first told me he had bought them - almost a year ago - and then when he threw them away I was so mad. They mean a lot to me - kind of like a mending of old wounds. Can't describe it too well, but I definitely want to keep them.

Probably the most important thing for me now is to go back to focusing on the 'finish line'- in other words, focus on getting over him for good. Unfortunately this has taken me back quite a few steps - giant steps at that. Its too bad, because I was looking forward to not totally obsessing over him during the holidays and now it feels thats out the window. Oh well, I will just do my best...

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 1:38pm

I don't think I will say anything more. I have been tossing around all morning if I should send him a Merry Christmas email, but really isn't that just me justifying more contact with him? There never will be a time I'll WANT it to end. I'm ending it, because I HAVE to. I know what I need to do - its just so much harder now.

He will be at the same New Year's party as me this year. Any advice on that?? I can't miss it, all my friends will be there, and I feel I should be there too. You have to move forward at some point and be able to be in the same room together. For me, he's in my world, and that part of getting over him. But should I avoid him, or just treat him like any other husband in the room?

PS By the way I think what you and Free are saying is both right. This guy does have a really sweet side and your message is probably quite close to how that side of him is feeling. On the other hand he is a HUGE manipulator and she could be right too. Typically when I haven't seen him in a long time the sweet side is more prominant, but the other side always follows in the shadows. In fact, I have a really strong feeling about what will be coming next...I'll let you know what I'm thinking if it happens...

Crystal

Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Thu, 12-23-2004 - 2:27pm
Hmmm...why don't you just ask him why he did this. Why did he give you such a beautiful gift if it is over. Why is he doing this? Trying to woo you back? I think his motivations are not the important thing here...what is important is how YOU feel and what this is going to do. Will you break NC and continue the A because of it? Are you now sad and depressed? It was a nice gesture but crystal, you have to do what is right for you. I think Christmas makes us all feel things and do things that we normally wouldn't. It makes us soft.

Jazzdiva

Avatar for crystal_clr
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 8:22am
Well I know now. He emailed me yesterday and its clear that he wants the affair back on. I know that nothing has changed though and it'll be the same thing as always. I don't need to go through this again. Its so destructive. I must think of myself - you're right.
Avatar for shescomeundone2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 12-24-2004 - 11:41am
Yup, you got it girl, Free was right. Manipulation comes in the form of earrings alot of times. Well this is when it gets hard..the temptation to go back to him. I am dreading that day if it ever comes because quite frankly I have nothing better going on in my life and i really miss that body of his. BUT the price to pay for that is too high. Continue to be strong and keep the earrings, just don't put too much emotional meaning into them. I kept the ring that XOM gave me simply because I like it. I haven't worn it but maybe in the future I will and it wn't have any emotional significance. You know what I mean?

Jazzdiva

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